Fuzzy Wazzy Was A Bear.

Or is a bear depending. For me, was, is the correct word usage.

I have been in my apt for a week now & it is the first time I have lived somewhere without a fuzzy (an animal for those of you who have not spent much time around me) & I dislike it more then I can tell you. I never realized how much they helped me or how much I loved them I suppose. Perhaps I depended on them too much? But I don't think so. 

I love coming home to something waiting for me there without having to worry about where I stand with it. They love me & want me there no matter what. It bothers me that I feel I have to walk on egg shells around everything in my life right now. I need a stable loving relationship & that's what my fuzzies were for me. They would miss me if I was gone, they would love me when I came home, & they would always wait for me. (That makes it sound like I have a god complex or a controlling complex or something.) 

I just miss always having something stable there. Everything else is always fluxuating & I never know where I stand in relationship but I always knew I could come home to something stable. I had something somewhere loving me no matter what. If they ran off it wasn't because I treated them wrongly but because I did not keep them safe enough to not run away. Somehow they would find their way back though. It's a blind pure love that you can only seem to get from pets. 

I just want something to come home to that I don't have to fight with, that will always keep me company, that will love me no matter what I do, & still have a personality of it's own. I like my animals. They help me more then I can tell anyone. 

Maybe I am just desparet for something & I'm feeling it with that. But I don't like coming home to something empty, where I feel alone. I like company. I like being near living things.

I just want my fuzzies back. 

~Cyran J. Harrington.~

Sad Realities

• You are born with a death centence. 
• The only one who will/can constantly make you number one is yourself. 
• Living in the moment is great but today will effect tomorrow so you must think of the future as well.
• Money may not be everything but in this day & age it sure is a hell of alot unless you just enjoy living on the streets. 
• You will always be judged by the cover.
• People would rather talk about the newest T.V. show then anything that could actually help the world. 
• Someone will always be manipulating you.
• Pain comes with trust.
• Love & sex are gotten confused more often then not. 
• Guns don't kill people, people with gods & guns kill people.
• Being told to "Get over yourself" is the best advice you will ever get from anyone.
• The little things in life are more important then the big but because they are little we can't see them very well thus you will most likely be sad rather then happy.
• It's not about where you are going it's about how you get there.
• Everyone you have around you will most likely have a problem with you without telling you about it at sometime or another.
• People would rather fight wars then talk things out like adults

Those are just the one's I can think of off the top of my head. I'm pretty sure i came up with more but can't remember them right off the bat. Anyways, where they are. My somewhat sad realities of life.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Another One Bites The Dust

So at of 8/18/2011 I have my own place with two roommates (which I guess wouldn't be my "own place" but still!). I pay my own way here no one to tell me what to do or use living situations against me for the first time in my life & all though this is stressful at least I know I have a fighting chance here! I can fight for what I want without having to worry about people using rent or something like that against me, or them controling me with it which is more wonderful then anyone can imagen. If the price for freedom is 400 dollars a month I will pay that in a heart beat then go back to what I had.

Now just to get unpacked & settled in before we have a house party to welcome ourselves & our friends! It's quite exciting. 

So my mother will be homeless in 3 weeks to 7 weeks depending on a few things but I've seen this coming for sometime now. I've known since I moved out that something like this is going to happen. I did it anyways though cause she has to learn.

I've pretty much decided to play tough love with her. I will be there for her as much as much as I can but not much more then that. I've seen this coming for a while once I moves out & she had choices to make to do better now which she didn't make. Now it's time for her to live with them. 

I can not take care of her & myself right now. There is no way I can have her move in with me & no way am I giving her money. She can find her own way finally. I hate that I can not pick her up as she is falling or catch her seeing how she has done it for me so many times now but that was her job. When she adopted me she agreed to take care of me when every she can. She hasn't done this for a while now & it's not my job to take care of her. I was serious when I said I would put her in a home when she got old. I won't do to myself what she did to herself even if it is the only way to live "easy." I will do everything in my power to make life the hard way because the easy way just never gets you places with as much knowledge. Plus, it's not where you end up. It's HOW you get there.

She is starting to realize what she did wrong & break down that wall of her's. But she's going back into her alcohol & weed to solve her problems which bothers me more then most know. I will not watch it though. These are her choices. She has to learn from them because I already have. I am better for it now. If she wants my help she will ask & I will tell her why I can't help her. After that it is her choice to either "fix" herself so that I can help her some or she will go on her destructive way again. We will see.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

All Bad Things Come In Threes

I suppose it started after A-kon this year.

Not too long after A-kon 22 I had to put my cat of 15 years to sleep. It was hard but he was old & there was nothing more we could do for him here. I said my good byes & cried for him, I still miss his obnoxious meow 24-7 but...these things get easier with time. I don't think of it as much as I did when it first happened.

You just move on I suppose. There's not much else you can do. 

Then last week...Sage, my ferret who had just turned a year old, abruptly passed away. He was alive when I left for work...then when I came back he just wasn't anymore. There are a few different reasons for this according to the vet but the one that is helping me cope is a birth defect that caught up to him. I decided not to get an autopsy done because it would not help anything. It would just give me something to blame & that would help no one as the people around me did nothing wrong either. They loved him to & hurt just like I am. It seemed pointless to make them hurt more for my selfish reason of needing to know.

My friends & girlfriend helped me through it this though I am still getting used to the idea that he is gone. I miss him & he wasn't supposed to be gone for another 6 years at least....I just don't understand it. I don't understand how something so amazing can just be gone in a blink of an eye...

I will never understand why & how it can hurt so much.

There has been one more death that actually happened just today...

My Grandmother of 94 passed on after me waiting for it to happen for so long. I woke up scared everyday hoping I wouldn't find her dead & it wasn't because i was worried for her...but I didn't want to end up on the streets...

I feel horrible for this reality but she has supported my mother & I for many years now & I never got the chance to really know her before the old people's desiges set in so all I had to go off of was how my mother treated her which was no where close to well. She yelled & screamed at her the majority of the time for no reason other then to make her a personal punching bag because it was the only thing she could control. Looking back on it makes me wish that I had actually done more for my Grandma not because I was her Granddaughter but because she deserved what every human did & god knows the last part of her life she didn't get it.

She should have been taken to a doctor weather she wanted to go or not.

She should of been put in a nursing home even earlier then that. 

She should have been somewhere safe.

But my mother has a god complex & can't seem to understand that at part way to 60 she should be fending for her fucking self. I am sorry I did not fight more for my Grandmother as a human but I fought with my Mother for everything else that I suppose I just didn't know how to fight for my Grandmother. I should have called APS for her & maybe she would be here now but I just couldn't do that to my mother even though it needed to happen for my Grandmother's well being. Now I can't tell if I was wrong or right for this. I have my reasons but was my selfish fear really more important then a human's well being?

I honestly couldn't tell you.

Now my Mother has to desperately find somewhere else to live & hope to hell she can get money after that. I've given her some options as to what to do. In her own living room I looked at her & told her that I was trying to get her to look ahead for years now & all I got was yelled at for it. That I knew this was going to happen not too long after I moved out. She just bowed her head in shame & as mean as this sounds...it felt fucking fantastic to know that she knows I'm fucking right & can do nothing about it. She has truely lost everything now. All she has is her animals & it is her own damn fault.

She has done so well at letting her self pitty push everything else away that she is left with nothing but animals that are forced to love her because they do not know any better. 

I feel bad for the animals.

Now I have a new moral delima...

Do I help my mother or leave her to dry?

The spittful part of me wants to force her on a tight rope only to watch her fall back to the pits of disrepair where she seems to be so comfortable in.

Then the other side of me wants to help her because falling down is never fun & she helped me out in any situation I was in as much as she could at the time. It always came with an emotional damaging price but she helped somehow none the less. I also hate that she will tell all of her "friends" or any body who will talk to her what a horrible daughter I am for not leaping through any hop I could for her & they will believe her before they ever consider talking to me to get my side of the story.

It makes me sick that people will look at me & talk negatively about me before even knowing me. They will also look at how I am dressed, my life choices (being trans/gay, pagan, & anime lover) & assume the worst about me. Since when the fuck was that okay? 

People anger the shit out of me you have no idea.

In all of the madness I also am getting my apt together with my two roommates which is slightly driving me up the wall but at least in about a week or two I will have a place to call mine again. I will be paying all my own bills & there is not a damn thing anyone can control me with anymore. It's going to be fan fucking tastic, but on the other side this also means working mad hours at my job until I start with the fair, the it's the hunter house, then it's seasonal time again. After mid January I will be looking for something a bit more stable then that for an official second part time job.

I may not be going to school this semester/year but I am going to be hella busy. It will be nice though as I will have little time to worry too much about other oddity things. My girl & I will also be trying to do two vending events this fall/winter if we can ever actually sit down & talk it all out. Somehow we see each other every day & have yet to do this. 

We will see. 

All in all, I'm stressed as hell. I feel like a chicken with my head cut off most of the time though I am mostly sitting on my ass. It's mainly my mind going round & round with things. Worrying mostly, about this that & the other. The three deaths have gotten me pretty troubled as well. Literally my biggest fear happened around me 3 times in the last 3 months.I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I can't just stop for a bit to deal with it all. I have to numbly keep going & hope to Ra that I don't break at an inconvenient time. Because even though something major has just happened in your life you have to smile & keep going because the world keeps turning. Nothings going to stop just because something tragic happened to you. No one cares. 

For instance when I explained to my boss today that I was worried about my grandmother dying she looked at me & said "There will always be something to worry about." Honestly, I felt like screaming at her because if it was her she wouldn't of had to come in. But I thought it wasn't fair to leave them hanging like other's have in the past & because I am there I get the "well whatever" treatment. I could have lost it. I think a death in the family is a damn good reason to be a little out of it thank you very fucking much. 

I'm so angry about this too. 

Also, did I mention that this was the worst time ever to try & quite smoking? Well it was.

I'm angry.

I'm stressed.

I'm upset.

& all I feel I can do is blog about it.

~Cyran J. Harrington~