Tough Love

It's unsual for me to post twice in one day but this needs to be gotten out. Not for a pity party but because I'm not sure what else to do with it. I need to write about it but as I have mentioned before written journals just don't work for me. It feels like I go no where with them & that I'm not really writing for a perpous. 

Today, 10/27/2011. I spent my evening trying to figure out how to keep my mother alive. She called me close to tears & left me a message about what had happened & that as soon as she got the pills the doctors prescribed her she would be leaving. She couldn't stay here anymore. 

Instant panic attack. 

I lost it after the message, went to get my girlfriend from school so I had a clear headed person with me as I obviously wasn't at that point. We called her back, got directions to her place, the address & what not so that I could arrange to get family photos (since it's all I have left of my childhood) & whatever else that I could, or needed to. Also, to call the cops.

We did what we needed & called the cops. In this whole time I could only think about everyone but me. I know I am strong & can get through anything I set me mind to with help from all the people around me that love me. I have the support of my world & I have no idea where I would be without them. 

The cops came, went, & my mother text me pretty much telling me how she told the cops that I would do nothing for her because I told them that she was drunk (Which I didn't) & that she was going to kill herself (which she did tell me.) 

At that point I had gotten over the shock & just wanted her to be okay. I want to help her the best I can seeing how she is my mother & has taken care of me all my life. She is certainly not the best mother in the world but she is not the worst either. She did the best that she knew how & that might not of been what most have done but it's what she thought was good. I have made my mistakes too & have not been the best daughter to er in the world but I did the best that I knew how with raising myself. No, I did not pay bills under her roof, nor did she make me. She did a hell of alot of things for me that other parents wouldn't & I could have been much better to her. I was young & stupid though. I feel partly responsible for the state of mind she is in now & tonight was some what of a wake up call as to what I need to do to try & help. 

I have been desparetly praying to whomever may listen, as my deity is not hers, to guide her. To show her the way so that I would not have to because I feel like I shouldn't have to. I am the child of her after all, shouldn't I be learning from her? But it is obvious I have just been avoiding the inevitable. She is no longer in tune with her spirituality unlike so many in the world. She needs something real, something she can see, something she can feel. I have been strong for her & I for so long it's natural now. It's tiring but natural. 

Should I have to be the one doing this? No, probably not. But I am the closest thing to real she has in her mind I feel. I am the thing that has been there the longest. I still call her for advice when I need to. I still call & talk to her when I can about my life so she feels like she is welcomed & needed somewhere but I need to step it up. I am the only family she really has now. Her mother & father are gone. The rest of the family has cast her out, done away with her. Not just her, but me as well. Where I have found something better though she has been left to rot by people she loved & knew her whole life. I can't imagen my family doing that to me. How that must feel, how that must hurt. 

To know you are utterly alone & have no way of knowing how to fix it. The black that she must feel, see is unbearable in her eyes. I can be the t light though. I have felt that I was meant to save people since I was young. Not like a doctor does, or a therapist but with one touch at a time. I was handed to her last time she felt this way & now I will be handed to her again. In a very different sense though. I will talk to her, not as a child desparetly wanting a mother in there life still for selfish reasons (which is somewhat how it feels right now.) but as an adult to another adult. I will be the light for her once more. 

I will not think of it as a burden, but an opportunity to do everything I can to help another human soul. As all humans should. To give her something to smile about, to give her something to be proud of. To get her back on her feet. 

No. It is not my job. But she held me through so many nightmares as a kid that I can't count. She held my hand when crossing so many streets. When I was down in my heart I always knew I had a place to come home to. To have the comfort of a loving mother. Cause no matter what she has always loved me. I was her pride & joy no matter what I did. 

It is my turn to help her & be the better person. 

This is the next step in my way of life & I will learn something from it if I let myself. I must be strong. I must be positive. I must be the light once more. 

I have been called to duty. 

I just ask for the support of my friends, my family, & hope none turn their back on me for this. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Samhain/Halloween

This is  large holiday for me. My favorite one actually. The muggles may know it as Halloween. It has changed alot from what it used to be & it's different every where, all over the world, but I won't get into those nitty gritty details. (Go here if you would like them. Samhain)

I will tell you my plans for it though. I do not normally follow the Celtic year seeing how I am in a kindred, which is Heathen in origin. My personal Deity is Ra the Egyptian God Of the Sun & my personal Goddess is Nut (N-oo-T) Egyptian Goddess of the Sky but for some reason this is one of the Celtic holidays I adore but this one is very special to me.

Last year, the person I was dating & I did an open ritual for people to come see how it went & I believe we did a bang up job. It was the first time I had done a true ritual for my religion to celebrate it with my friends was a grand experience. This year I am taking it to a more personal level. 

As most know I am dating someone & we have been at it for 4-5 months now. We are taking another step forward by doing a peraonl ritual for ourselves to tie us a bit closer together. It's no engagement, & most likely no promise of it but it's something for us. It's more for her then it is for me though. She will be taking a huge step forward in her life (at least this is how I feel about) something I wish she would have done a long time ago, but late is better then never.I am very proud of her for this & I will support her in every step of the way while she does it. 

There was another big step she took this week, she stood up to her mom for me. 

She got her mother to give me a chance & put her foot down. It meant the world to me. Going from being a figment of her mother's imagination to an important person in her life is a wonderful feeling. I can't tell you how many times I have dreamed of this & it's finally coming to life, but that's not the only thing I have dreamed of for us. I used to dream of going to the fair with her. We did that right before the Fair shut down til next year. I've taken her to do cute couple pictures at Super H mart. Shared my fave things with her, worked the Thrillvania with her. It's like we just picked up where we left off. There was some pain, hurt, tension we had to work through but we did. We are a couple so we still fight once in a while just like any couple. Not everything is rainbows & butterflies. I know inside thought, while we are fighting, we are doing out of kindness from our hearts. I can feel the warmth behind it. If that warmth ever goes away I will know we are done, but if it doesn't I won't complain either. 

My friends approve of her more now then they did when we first started just because of past reasons but I still don't think they understand why I did it. I don't think anyone could, hell I have trouble understanding it from time to time. But I think I have some good examples. 

Have you ever had someone cross your mind & make you smile even when they hurt you so bad you couldn't help but cry after the thought? Have you ever been in a moment that no matter what you look back on it & a spark lights somewhere inside of you that you had no idea was there? Have you ever had someone make you so happy before you cried because you had no other way to express what you were feeling? I can't say all of this is true at the moment, but these were the things I thought of. I don't know what it is about her that keeps a smile in me somewhere even after everything. I should still hate her & call her a lair, cheater, worthless, manipulative, fool...but instead I find her to be wonderful, loving, giving, beautiful, caring, smart & other such things. I'm not going to say it's love (because god knows I don't believe in that) but it all has to count for something right? Maybe a sort of new passion she is showing me I never had in me but for her? What ever it is I can't complain, Ra knows I know it won't last forever & if it does then we are doing something right I suppose. 

I do know that for know she makes me happy & that's all I can really ask for, when it is time for us to fall apart we will, but I hope the friendship we have besides the relationship part of it will stay alive. She is my best friend after all. I know I can go & tell her anything & she will give it to me like it is or do whatever it is she feels she needs to do to help, if she can. I can only hope she feels the same for me. 

I do not believe in soul mates, nor do I believe in forever...but I believe in her, for the time being. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

State Of Mind, State Of Matter

I posted something up on facebook last night that I probably should of kept to myself but I posted it anyways. I was tired, upset a bit & annoyed at the game I was playing. It was never the less true though. Depression is an every day struggle for me. As many of you know already that have depression someday are better then others. It's hard to describe it to people who don't have it. To tell them what is going on with you. I could be in the best mood I have ever been in & then I'm suddenly staring at a wall with no expression, lost in the nothingness of my mind. It happens just like that for me with no warning signs. 

One minute I'm there.

The next minute & extremely tired or just...not mentally there anymore.

There are no real triggers for it. It just happens. I can take a moments notice or be a gradual thing. It really depends. As soon as I start noticing signs for it though I do whatever I can to counter it. I will smile to myself & tell it to fuck off. Or give myself tiny motivational speeches, even going outside helps sometimes. I do whatever I can. Lately though it has been harder to counter then normal. I'm not really sure why. 

Once I got to thinking about it though I figured it out. 

1) I have not properly dealt with things that happened this summer. (Sage, Tigger, moving, my mother, grandma.)

2) It's coming up to my least favored holidays of the year. The "family" holidays.

I remember when I was small how much I loved these holidays cause it meant gifts were coming, cause in the mind of a child that's all you can really see. As I got older though I realized how much more it was & everything I wasn't getting from it due to my lack of family.

My mother adopted me as a single parent & then got married to a man so I would have a father when I was three or five can't remember. He left her when I was 8 a week before Christmas. The years that followed I only had a Christmas because my friends involved me in theirs & their families took me in for that one time period. Which I'm more then greatfull for to them. They went out of their way to do it & It meant the world to me, but as more time went on with me spending time with them I could tell I was still the "outcast" in the group. I didn't know how the family worked & I was not part of the "inner" workings of the family even though I did my best to fit in. 

There is something about family that you have grown up in that has a close nit relationship that one can not obtain through one holiday with them. Try as you might you will still not be where you need to be to feel "like one of them." At least that is the case for me. In my world "blood is thicker then water" is not true cause there are people that I have accepted in my life that I consider family but have no blood relations to. I do think growing up around each other every holiday though creates a bound that can not be obtained in one holiday visit. 

Anyways, as I got older & watch as the somewhat "outcast" of these groups of family durring this really special holiday time it has bother me more & more. I have wanted nothing more then to look for my own blood roots & have this special time with them. Find my two half brothers, my birth mother, my birth aunt & whom ever else I could what is related to me by blood & get them in a room to try & form these bounds because I would like what others have. I want to come back to work with happy stories about how my brothers & I did this. Or how my aunt is crazy. Or how my mother can make the best Turkey or whatever food. At this rate though that will never happen. I will never have the experience that others have had their whole life & there is no one to blame for it. It's no one's fault really, it's just how my life has worked out for me. 

This year will be different though.

I have a family that I actually feel like family in. It's my kindred Bitfrost. My best friends are a part of it & the person who host it every week for us has been called my mother on more then one occasion. Her little girl calls me sissy which makes my heart melt. I'm part of a family there. We all have are stupid fights & we beat up each other like family would. Or like I see family do.

There is also another thing that I am going to look at this year. I no longer celebrate the holiday "Christmas." I am pagan & Yule is the holiday I take part in. This isn't the best score but it's the best one I could find to explain it all. This year will be the beginning of a new tradition for me. 

I will be surrounded by loved ones. (My family of CHOICE which is much better then the family you are stuck with)

I will be celebrating something different & new. (Yule which is the Christmas of our ancestors) 

After that is a new year. (New wishes, new time, new things to do/see, & I have someone to shear it all with.)

Knowing all of this I will not let me depression get the better of me.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

3 Years Of Unsaid Nothings

I'm not sure what to say anymore to you. 

I used to have a long list of angry things to say that would make you crumble where you stand & give me shut satisfaction with the thought of doing it to, & watching you fall was one of the things I looked forward to most. How I relished in that day to come. 

But that was three years ago. 

Something about you still ticks me off to no point & end but as time goes on wounds heal. What you did to her bothers me more then what you did to me but that's always been the kind of person I have been.  If you hurt me I will blame myself for doing something stupid & rescued into a little ball but hurt my friends & I will make sure you are miserable. Out of respect for her I left you alone. There was no need for me to step in to cause more problems when you were doing a grand job of it yourself. On top of that it wasn't my place, that was her battle to do what she wished with so I stood aside & clinched my teeth the whole time. Trusting, in my heart, that she would do the thing that made it okay for her. She is a big girl after all & can take care of herself...to some extent anyways. Haha. 

Anyhow, that long list. I still have it. It's just not as held close to me anymore. It's not worth it's value as it used to be.

In three years I have changed alot. 

I'm not as angry anymore.

I have gone through the real world & know what is & is not important.

I no longer aspire to be the hero.

I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be.

I fear committed relationships because I never want to feel trapped again.

I don't find that the world is ending with every step I take. 

& I love like I never have before.

But instead of you trying to learn this, or try & find out why she has come back to me you hurt her. You abandon three years of life with her with no grace, may I add. The part I don't understand is why. Why would you hurt someone that badly because they are happy with someone else? Why would you be so upset about their happiness? This does not make sense to me. On top of that I don't understand what I did that was so wrong to you to make you say what you do about me. To make you hurt her.

In the time that her & I were apart I never wished ill will on her, because I loved her. I never wanted her to fail, because I loved her. I literally wished on something for her to be happy, because I loved her.

I just don't understand this thought of revenge for the person you supposedly loved so much. This thought of pain should upset you, not make you feel good. When did two wrongs ever make a right?

That list, I go through it & debate while I write this weather or not to express it here, to leave it to the masses to see & then leave it for the gods/goddess for you to see, but that would make me as low as you & the one thing I promised myself after that day last year is that I would never stoop to my rivals level. 

So I won't.

I have sympathy for your pain & will give you a sorry for that, but I will not forgive you for the past however I will move to the future. You are not worth my time as you have been before, you are not worth my anger, my rage. These simple things are mine, not yours, & I will not give you the pleasure of having them anymore. Life is to little to be troubled by one silly you. There are a million other things to be done that do not involve you. So after this you could consider yourself dead in my life if you want. 

So here it is. A goodbye, something I never had honestly done before because I couldn't see past the muddle that had been created before me. You gave me mine three years ago but my loyalties take a lot longer to break then that, so here I am three year later, finally saying what I should have said so long ago. 

Goodbye to you.

Goodbye to any loyalties I had left to you. (Like that one A-kon you two were fighting & you texted me, though I hated you, I still was willing to help best I could even though it hurt to consider it. I also had someone check on you the next day.)

Goodbye to your any drama you created in my life. (Tag teaming me just the two of you when I was weak & having the last thing I need be the two most important people in my life tell me I was doing everything wrong.)

Goodbye to your inconsideration. (Like how you preach about how people should consider how you feel when you don't do the same, or if you do then you do it anyways because you know it will cause them harm.)

Goodbye to anything else that I have missed, you are no longer welcome here. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~