I posted something up on facebook last night that I probably should of kept to myself but I posted it anyways. I was tired, upset a bit & annoyed at the game I was playing. It was never the less true though. Depression is an every day struggle for me. As many of you know already that have depression someday are better then others. It's hard to describe it to people who don't have it. To tell them what is going on with you. I could be in the best mood I have ever been in & then I'm suddenly staring at a wall with no expression, lost in the nothingness of my mind. It happens just like that for me with no warning signs.
One minute I'm there.
The next minute & extremely tired or just...not mentally there anymore.
There are no real triggers for it. It just happens. I can take a moments notice or be a gradual thing. It really depends. As soon as I start noticing signs for it though I do whatever I can to counter it. I will smile to myself & tell it to fuck off. Or give myself tiny motivational speeches, even going outside helps sometimes. I do whatever I can. Lately though it has been harder to counter then normal. I'm not really sure why.
Once I got to thinking about it though I figured it out.
1) I have not properly dealt with things that happened this summer. (Sage, Tigger, moving, my mother, grandma.)
2) It's coming up to my least favored holidays of the year. The "family" holidays.
I remember when I was small how much I loved these holidays cause it meant gifts were coming, cause in the mind of a child that's all you can really see. As I got older though I realized how much more it was & everything I wasn't getting from it due to my lack of family.
My mother adopted me as a single parent & then got married to a man so I would have a father when I was three or five can't remember. He left her when I was 8 a week before Christmas. The years that followed I only had a Christmas because my friends involved me in theirs & their families took me in for that one time period. Which I'm more then greatfull for to them. They went out of their way to do it & It meant the world to me, but as more time went on with me spending time with them I could tell I was still the "outcast" in the group. I didn't know how the family worked & I was not part of the "inner" workings of the family even though I did my best to fit in.
There is something about family that you have grown up in that has a close nit relationship that one can not obtain through one holiday with them. Try as you might you will still not be where you need to be to feel "like one of them." At least that is the case for me. In my world "blood is thicker then water" is not true cause there are people that I have accepted in my life that I consider family but have no blood relations to. I do think growing up around each other every holiday though creates a bound that can not be obtained in one holiday visit.
Anyways, as I got older & watch as the somewhat "outcast" of these groups of family durring this really special holiday time it has bother me more & more. I have wanted nothing more then to look for my own blood roots & have this special time with them. Find my two half brothers, my birth mother, my birth aunt & whom ever else I could what is related to me by blood & get them in a room to try & form these bounds because I would like what others have. I want to come back to work with happy stories about how my brothers & I did this. Or how my aunt is crazy. Or how my mother can make the best Turkey or whatever food. At this rate though that will never happen. I will never have the experience that others have had their whole life & there is no one to blame for it. It's no one's fault really, it's just how my life has worked out for me.
This year will be different though.
I have a family that I actually feel like family in. It's my kindred Bitfrost. My best friends are a part of it & the person who host it every week for us has been called my mother on more then one occasion. Her little girl calls me sissy which makes my heart melt. I'm part of a family there. We all have are stupid fights & we beat up each other like family would. Or like I see family do.
There is also another thing that I am going to look at this year. I no longer celebrate the holiday "Christmas." I am pagan & Yule is the holiday I take part in. This isn't the best score but it's the best one I could find to explain it all. This year will be the beginning of a new tradition for me.
I will be surrounded by loved ones. (My family of CHOICE which is much better then the family you are stuck with)
I will be celebrating something different & new. (Yule which is the Christmas of our ancestors)
After that is a new year. (New wishes, new time, new things to do/see, & I have someone to shear it all with.)
Knowing all of this I will not let me depression get the better of me.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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