It's unsual for me to post twice in one day but this needs to be gotten out. Not for a pity party but because I'm not sure what else to do with it. I need to write about it but as I have mentioned before written journals just don't work for me. It feels like I go no where with them & that I'm not really writing for a perpous.
Today, 10/27/2011. I spent my evening trying to figure out how to keep my mother alive. She called me close to tears & left me a message about what had happened & that as soon as she got the pills the doctors prescribed her she would be leaving. She couldn't stay here anymore.
Instant panic attack.
I lost it after the message, went to get my girlfriend from school so I had a clear headed person with me as I obviously wasn't at that point. We called her back, got directions to her place, the address & what not so that I could arrange to get family photos (since it's all I have left of my childhood) & whatever else that I could, or needed to. Also, to call the cops.
We did what we needed & called the cops. In this whole time I could only think about everyone but me. I know I am strong & can get through anything I set me mind to with help from all the people around me that love me. I have the support of my world & I have no idea where I would be without them.
The cops came, went, & my mother text me pretty much telling me how she told the cops that I would do nothing for her because I told them that she was drunk (Which I didn't) & that she was going to kill herself (which she did tell me.)
At that point I had gotten over the shock & just wanted her to be okay. I want to help her the best I can seeing how she is my mother & has taken care of me all my life. She is certainly not the best mother in the world but she is not the worst either. She did the best that she knew how & that might not of been what most have done but it's what she thought was good. I have made my mistakes too & have not been the best daughter to er in the world but I did the best that I knew how with raising myself. No, I did not pay bills under her roof, nor did she make me. She did a hell of alot of things for me that other parents wouldn't & I could have been much better to her. I was young & stupid though. I feel partly responsible for the state of mind she is in now & tonight was some what of a wake up call as to what I need to do to try & help.
I have been desparetly praying to whomever may listen, as my deity is not hers, to guide her. To show her the way so that I would not have to because I feel like I shouldn't have to. I am the child of her after all, shouldn't I be learning from her? But it is obvious I have just been avoiding the inevitable. She is no longer in tune with her spirituality unlike so many in the world. She needs something real, something she can see, something she can feel. I have been strong for her & I for so long it's natural now. It's tiring but natural.
Should I have to be the one doing this? No, probably not. But I am the closest thing to real she has in her mind I feel. I am the thing that has been there the longest. I still call her for advice when I need to. I still call & talk to her when I can about my life so she feels like she is welcomed & needed somewhere but I need to step it up. I am the only family she really has now. Her mother & father are gone. The rest of the family has cast her out, done away with her. Not just her, but me as well. Where I have found something better though she has been left to rot by people she loved & knew her whole life. I can't imagen my family doing that to me. How that must feel, how that must hurt.
To know you are utterly alone & have no way of knowing how to fix it. The black that she must feel, see is unbearable in her eyes. I can be the t light though. I have felt that I was meant to save people since I was young. Not like a doctor does, or a therapist but with one touch at a time. I was handed to her last time she felt this way & now I will be handed to her again. In a very different sense though. I will talk to her, not as a child desparetly wanting a mother in there life still for selfish reasons (which is somewhat how it feels right now.) but as an adult to another adult. I will be the light for her once more.
I will not think of it as a burden, but an opportunity to do everything I can to help another human soul. As all humans should. To give her something to smile about, to give her something to be proud of. To get her back on her feet.
No. It is not my job. But she held me through so many nightmares as a kid that I can't count. She held my hand when crossing so many streets. When I was down in my heart I always knew I had a place to come home to. To have the comfort of a loving mother. Cause no matter what she has always loved me. I was her pride & joy no matter what I did.
It is my turn to help her & be the better person.
This is the next step in my way of life & I will learn something from it if I let myself. I must be strong. I must be positive. I must be the light once more.
I have been called to duty.
I just ask for the support of my friends, my family, & hope none turn their back on me for this.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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