I Have Died

I have died.

I have died so many times.

Not in the physical sense though.

Much more in the metaphorically kind.

The first place I died was in middle school when my mother blamed me for her husband leaving, but she was too drunk & high to retain that this happened.

The second time was when I had to quite soccer in high school.

Thirteen years of passion gone down the drain because I didn't fit into their little box.
I was put on JV for the third year in a row when I was good enough for varsity.

It came down to choosing between my self esteem being repeatedly punched at & kicked down for shits & giggles, or money.

The third time I died was when I lost my first love.

Most have been through it, and most have been devastated by it. 
What killed me though was that I was so beaten and broken that I didn't fight to win it back.

You know what they say though, if it was yours it will come back and if it doesn't come back it was never really yours.

The forth time was when my best friend of a few years walked out on me because of something over Facebook that wasn't about her at all.

You know what they say about assuming.

The worst part about this though, I let them back in with almost no conscience and all I have gotten in return was how I make them feel like shit all the time.
One more fuck up in my book when all I did was do my best to satisfy.

The 5th time I died was when I put down my camera after letting some hard realities hit me.

20-15 years to get any where close to known and then maybe still not be known, and I wanted a more stable life then what my mother had given me.

And that meant having money.
Which meant not living a life of chance.

The 6th time however...I lived.

I made decisions on my own.
 I did what was best for me, for once, and I rose so far from the ashes people mistook me for the sun.

I thrived for the first time in the 20 years of my life and Here I Am.

21 and still thriving now.

I've proven to myself that I am worth something.
I'm so glad I found that duck tape so I could put the broken pieces back together again.

I have learned, even though people may be saying negative things behind my back, that they are making me famous and the people that matter out of those are the one's that learn the truth for themselves.

I have learned that my time is mine alone and I shouldn't be handing it out like a door prize.

With my camera back in my hand, & my first love back in my arms.

I strive on.
I won't let anyone stop me this time.

Mostly not me.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Them & Them Again

1A: Hi! What's your real name and nickname?

1) Alexander Dalton, most call me Xander though.

2) Savannah

3) Sable Cullen Walgrave

4) Eleanor, my boyfriend calls me El. 

5) Chloe Cullen

6) Keth. It's pronounced Keith for you information.

1B: What's your gender?

Alexander: Male.

Savannah: I have boobs.

Sable: I have a penis is that is what you mean.

Eleanor: Oh this question, by the name I am a female, I the play I am whatever I need to be & by convention I do what the hell I want. 

Chloe: I is a female.

Keth: It really depends on what form I am in at that very moment. I'm mostly a guy though.

2. Interesting... what's your current age?

Alexander: 20

Savannah: Old enough to know better, but still too young to care. 

Sable: I would have to agree with the the women above. In fact I think she stole that from me. 

Eleanor: 22 going on 50 I swear. 

Chloe: Age doesn't matter. It's what's inside that counts. That's what Dad always says, the optimist.

Keth: Though could take a while to calculate, & I'm bad at math. 

3. Uh huh. What's your favorite food?

Alexander: I think I like my Mom's cooking the most. Dad's not bad on a grill though, but Mom is so much better in the kitchen. 

Savannah: The kind that you eat & doesn't give you problems later.

Sable: Oh...this is quite the hard one as I have tried many a flavors...I suppose if I just HAD to chose one it would be...Indian or Italian. I can't stay away from spicy & Italian food just has so much flavor.

Eleanor: I really haven't gotten to try much in my life. I like food though. It's an important part of your diet.

Chloe: Whatever grosses people out the most when I eat it. NOMNOMNOM

Keth: Food is my favorite food. I like wild game alot though.

4. And your favorite drink?

Alexander: My dad owns a bar & I help up keep it once in a while but I still like water the most. I'm kind of a health freak.

Savannah: Something that keeps me hydrated.

Sable: White wines are rather nice, so is a good bottle of scotch. I am a bit of a pansy, as my lady likes to call me, when it comes to these things & would prefer bitch drinks if I could. 

Eleanor: Water & orange juice. I have to set a good example for my little brother & sister.

Chloe: I like coffee a bit more then I should, Mom says I get that from Grandpa. 

Keth: Anything I'm not allergic to. 

5. Confession time! Who's your crush/lover?

Alexander: My boyfriend Jeremy.

Savannah: I have sex, & you are lucky if I keep coming back to you. 

Sable: The one & only Lilly Dalton, though she is a hard headed women of sorts I love her, & I'm still alive. Haha.

Eleanor: My Corbin. <3 He's great compared to the other dickbags I have been with. 

Chloe: Tori tor tor. :)

Keth: It's complected. 

6. Aww! Have you two kissed yet?

Alexander: Kissing is the least of our worries at this point.

Savannah: Are we still in grade school? 

Sable: If we were not past kissing in the first week (maybe couple of days) I wonder if she would be with me now. Good thing I can keep up, haha. 

Eleanor: Yes, oh yes we have.

Chloe: I still remember the first one. Who know lips could be so soft.

Keth: I've kissed alot of people. You don't live this long without that at least.

7. Classic question! What's your favorite color?

Alexander: Umm... burgundy or a deep moron. 

Savannah: My county's colors.

Sable: I could always go with the classic, redmommygay. Haha, oh the stories of memories. 

Eleanor: I actually rather like different shades of blue. It goes well with my skin color. 

Chloe: Purple of pink.

Keth: Color are just pretty things to look at. 

8. Who's your favorite author?

Alexander: Jeremy. 

Savannah: I don't read for fun very often. Most of the time it's books that I have to read for my country. Quite annoying really.

Sable: Oh dear...this is an even harder question then the food one...I like anything hysterical really. I am a historian in training of sorts. 

Eleanor: I really like anyone who rights a good fiction book, reality is for squares after all. 

Chloe: I don't read that often. When I do it's about learning how to pull a good prank on someone. 

Keth: I don't read. It's just not healthy for your eyes. 

9. Now what's your biggest fear?

Alexander: I don't really feel like that's a good thing for me to be publicly talking about.

Savannah: Fear is only a thing to be used against someone, so why the hell would I tell strangers about mine if I had any?

Sable: Probably not having any history left to study or being unable to assist my loved one's in some way.

Eleanor: Feeling like a the dirt under peoples shoes because I have freckles, or because I'm not as "pretty" ad the other actresses. 

Chloe: Huuummm if I HAVE to have one, it would be losing my Mom & Dad even though I give them hell alot they know I love them. But that will never happen because Mom's a BAMF.

Keth: I wouldn't call it this the BIGGEST fear but being in a fight it defiantly up there.

10A: Have an embarrassing experience in your past?

Alexander: Oh man, I'm not sure where to begin there. I tend to be rather clumsy at times. It makes for a few good laughs later though.

Savannah: Probably the time I bit the person I was sleeping with that night...in my & their sleep. Needless to say I haven't heard much since they said it scared. 

Sable: I laugh in the face of embarrassment as I do not get embarrassed by much. My mother says I get that from my father. 

Eleanor: I think it was the first time I ever really got on stage after a friend of my convinced me to do it, I stuttered so much & kept forgetting lines to the monolog I was doing. I eventually just ended it for my own sake. I can't remember if anyone clapped or not.

Chloe: Probably the time I didn't knock before going into my twin's room. Lets just say he was very lonely back then. 

Keth: Anytime I have to ask for permission because of an asshole. What can you do huh?

10B: Any Siblings?

Alexander: Yes, there is one I have never met (& most likely won't), Issac, Lilly (my twin), & the Zane is a half one. Though he doesn't really hang around much. 

Savannah: Just one. Aries. 

Sable: Oh dear lord do NOT get me started. Let me count...Emma, Aidan, Shade, Jace, Xavier, Carolina, Aknta, half Siblings from my father's side. From my mothers I believer I have 10+ half & one sister that is fully related to me. She is the youngest & the cutest darn thing.

Eleanor: I have a younger brother, & a little sister. 

Chloe: Here we go, Arron, Kathleen, Zac (my twin), & then our youngest Audrey. 

Keth: Nope. Just me. I'm a rare bread. 

11. Almost, it's only twenty questions. Who's your hero?

Alexander: Hero huh? As lame as this is I would have to say my mom. She's gone through alot it seems & is on top.

Savannah: I make myself into what I want to be everyday, I don't need someone to look up to if I want to be me. 

Sable: Huuummm, anyone who has made a major change in history. 

Eleanor: Wonder women, Catgirl, Poision Ivy, pardon me is my nerd showing again?

Chloe: I really like Robbin William's!

Keth: Don't have one. Hero's don't last I have learned. 

12. Okay, who is your worst enemy?

Alexander: Anyone who tries to hurt my family. 

Savannah: Darth, it's more of a family thing then a personal thing.

Sable: I don't have one thankfully. Lilly's mother might consider me an enemy if she ever knew a...few things when it come's to our relationship, but I am fairly good at keeping peace with people.

Eleanor: Anyone who tries to hurt my little bro & sis, or are just plan jerks for no reason.

Chloe: The video surveillance at school.

Keth: Time corp.

13. What would you do if your hero and your worst enemy got together?

Alexander: Why would anyone in my family get together with someone trying to hurt them? That is rather silly.

Savannah: Darth & I? I would rather kill myself.

Sable: A zombie & thin air? That is a sound thing to think about would you not say so my good person there? -Eye roll-

Eleanor: They would just try to beat each other up. I have the pop corn.

Chloe: That's a pretty funny image actually. Thanks!

Keth: Oo

14. Interesting... what would you do if you met your creator?

Alexander: Mom & Dad? Love them. God? Ask him a serious of questions that I have written in my bible. 

Savannah: My mother & father? Love them to the fullest & praise them for making such a good looking lady for the world to have.

Sable: I do not have time for religious dealings.

Eleanor: I don't really deal with religion, it's better for my health along with the people around me. If you mean my mom/dad...that's even more complected.

Chloe: I have! He's funny looking. 

Keth: Doesn't matter if you can't die. 

15.Now, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Alexander: I am actually starting medical school this next term.

Savannah: I am grown up & I am hair to the Nauqty thrown.

Sable: A historian. 

Eleanor: The actress that was the ugly duckling. 

Chloe: Maybe a comedian. I like making people laugh. 

Keth: A lazy ass.

16. What's your worst nightmare?

All: See the fear question.

17. What's your lifelong dream?

Alexander: To help people that can't help themselves & make my parents proud of me which I do everyday.

Savannah: I have all my long life to dream, I only have the moment to take do what I want with it.

Sable: To figure out a way to explain this ungodly, never ending cycle in history.

Eleanor: To be remembered for what I can be not as the girl next door.

Chloe: I like to paint...so maybe get paid for painting? I don't really know...?

Keth: It's nothing but a memory now.

18. What would you do if your lifelong dream came true?

Alexander: Be happy.

Savannah: -Chuckles-

Sable: Be proud of myself & rather egotistical about it most likely. With just a side of humble.

Eleanor: Rub it in all those poopheads faces who have told me I was going to go no where.

Chloe: Paint my life away?

Keth: Remember?

19A. Okay, where's your favorite place to relax?

Alexander: In my bed next to Jeremy, or in the club dancing life away to stay in shape.

Savannah: If I told you, you would come there to relax to. Then it would do nothing for me.

Sable: In the library with a map or twenty.

Eleanor: In a bed or a hot bath. There is always a Corbin with nice strong hands to get these knots out of my back. 

Chloe: In my room with music. 

Keth: I'm pretty relaxed anywhere.

19B: Favorite music?

Alexander: Anything I can sing to & that makes me want to move. 

Savannah: My country's music.

Sable: I like a bit of everything. When I am reading I listen to classical.

Eleanor: Music is feelings the soul creates, so all of it. Besides scremo.

Chloe: Crappy hip hop. Haha.

Keth: N'sync.

19C: Do you have any friends?

Alexander: Tons. I'm pretty good at making them. Sable is mostly likely my closest one.

Savannah: I have plenty of "friends."

Sable: Again, I tend to get along with everyone.

Eleanor: My best friend's are Jace & Sam. I have others though.

Chloe: My best friend is my twin though I have others. Like Tori!

Keth: Elaina is my friend & so are other's here oddly enough. I'm a pretty likable person.

20. Last question! What do you spend most of your time doing?

Alexander: Cooking, dancing, singing, spending time with anyone who would like some of it, & studying for school.

Savannah: Being me. 

Sable: Anything I want to honestly. I tend to keep an even balance of things in my life. 

Eleanor: My job. Ugh. 

Chloe: Playing pranks & bothering the hell out of my brother. 

Keth: Being lazy. I've gotten pretty good at it over the years. 

You've Never Been So Used

Man oh man has so much happened & it's been so long since i posted anything. I've just been busier & busier it seems, along with just not having the energy to put up blogs regularly. Doesn't mean it won't happen just might not be as often. It honestly depends on how I am feeling in the moment & every time I want to blog I'm in the middle of work. That's rather annoying for sure, but I will try & cover as much as I can before I get distracted by something more shinny. 

Hum, where to begin...I AM 21 FINALLY & I AM ENJOYING EVER MOMENT OF IT! 8D It's so nice not to be restricted & limited because of a fucking number any more.I can do (mostly) what I want when I want. :) For my 21st birthday I went out with three of the best people evea to have my drink at midnight. I WILL NEVER GET TO SO THAT AGAIN! 8D Yay for me! That evening Girlfriend took me out to a NAtional Geographic live Event & then we went bar hopping in Deep Eulm. (Did I mention my birthday landed on Fat Tuesday this year? CAUSE IT TOTALLY DID) Needless to say I was NOT okay in the morning. Haha! But that was because I didn't have enough water before hand. There was also a Dubstep concert going on at the Tree's venue. I understand that genre of music so much more now. I met some pretty epic people there too. :) 

Around my b-day I went to my first Drag Queen show at S4 in the Rose Room & I will most defiantly be going back! Totally worth it! For my party the Girlfriend gave me a surprise of a LIMO! We went to my fave Kareokie place then a Hookah lounge. then back home for some Jurassic Park watching. (Did I mention that it was Dinosaur themed? It's was totally Dinosaur themed. 8D) I had a friend from out of town TRICK ME. She texted me the morning of telling me her car broke down & that she wasn't going to be able to make it but she ended up being there anyhow because she is a POOPFACE & I FUCKING LOVE HER. It was so wonderfully exciting & eventful.

Since we are on my birthday just before I turned 21 I was really focused on getting my photography going. I have come up with a name for my business, Relic Photography. I have had some people ask me "why that name?" Because part of the reason we have so much knowledge about the past as we do today is because of the photographs we have found. As time goes by, your brain gets older, but a photograph is forever. I actually think I just found my tag line.

Relic Photography

"A Photograph is forever."

I. Love. It. 

Besides that, I also have a 15 - 20 year project that I am getting started up. I have a bunch of notes toward it & more gets added as time goes along. Right now I am just getting my name out there & doing what I can. I have done alot of Bluebonnet Photos as of lately that I will post up with my next post once I get to editing them & what not. I am also starting to do Cosplay photography just to get me used to photographing people more. Getting used to directing them & what not. You would be surprised at how hard telling people what to do it if they have no idea. This weekend I have two more shoots tomorrow & then one Sunday. Only a few are paying but something is better then nothing! 

The sad news about all this Photography business is that the camera I have just won't do any more. My D40 is just too out of date. The ISO ranges from 200 - 1600 & starts pixlating around 400. On top of that it is only a 6 Pixal camera. Do you realize that a point & shoot has more fucking pixals then that? I found that out & my heart sank. I just don't have the type of money for what I need for this industry. But I'm going to do what I can with what I have. I knew it was going to be expensive when I decided it was my path to take. I just need to get the money together & look around on craigslist/ebay to find something in my price range.

That brings me to my next topic. 

The Open Stage

This has made me look forward to Mondays for a good month or so now. A couple months before I talked about a group called the Circus Freaks when I was telling about ArtLoveMagic's tag show. Well, this is the same group & they have something like that ever Monday night for only 10 dollars. It's worth the ten dollars too, TRUST ME. Every week I found something new there I didn't know about before. It has given me a whole new look on things in the world. It gives me a new friend set that I am oh so grateful for at this point. It has even gotten me in touch with an old friend that needs a photographer for her company! (One step & chugging on!) I will let you see what they have to offer on the site I linked. I do want to show you what I do there every Monday besides being around amazingly talented people.

I have found that my skills have gotten so much better since I started this & I am in love with doing it all again. I will continue posting up my work here as it comes along. If you want to see all of my works from the week then friend me on Facebook.

I suppose the next order of business is...BURLESQUE.

I love it. 

I went to a show just around my birthday on a double date & IT WAS FANTASTIC. I am super upset that I haven't been more involved with these things after seeing one for the first time when I was 18 or so. (I never knew balloons could be so damn sexy.) I have been to 2 other one's (so 3 all together) & I must say the more I see of them the more I am fascinated by them. I know alot of people probable think "Why not just go to a strip club if you want to see women take off their cloths?" Because I have class & something called RESPECT for women. These girls don't just take off their cloths for money, they do it in a way that makes it an art form. If strip clubs is your thing, then go for it. I prefer art work. I have gotten in touch with a girl or two I have seen at these shows & I'm hoping to get in close enough that I can start doing privet shoots, or even shoot the shows they all put on. I'm so glad I have found this & is gives me something to go & socialize into without being around the same old crowd. It's refreshing.

Around May - June of this year I will have a friend moving to DFW area from Huntsville. I have known her for a good long time now & needless to say I'M SUPER EXCITED FOR THIS. We get along so well & it will be easier for Alara & Tim to see/talk to each other. She's been there for me through so much & over all is wonderful. I am looking forward to her being so close to me so we can hang out more & get to know each other a bit better. 

That is all of the good things that have been going on since my last posting.

Now for the...not so pleasant stuff.

On my 21st birthday we came home from that all the nights events to find the door slightly cracked, & Zort missing. He never came home & all of my attempt's to try & get him back to us have been crushed some how. The pet stores around our area didn't seem to give a damn. The shelters never called, then living center never got wind of anything, & (this is what pisses me off the most) the apartment complex took down my fucking signs without contacting me about it.

You know, if someone has gone through all the trouble to print them out & hang them the LEAST you could do would be call the number on the poster to let them know what's going on. Why they were taken down. But no. NOTHING. I found the pretty shitty. On top of that, someone in the complex got my number off of one of the posters & called to fucking hit on me. Get. A. Life. How fucking pathetic do you have to be that you have to call from a missing pet poster?! If I knew who it was I could have killed them.

Needless to say there has been no sign of him & it's been over a month now. I'm still hoping for him to come back but over all not expecting him too. :/

Girlfriend & I hit a pretty rough patch too. I think we are finally getting over it all. We just had lot of problems with communication & stuff of that sort. I think we both hit a real sensitive patch with emotions. I think they are starting to work themselves out now but we will see. Right now I am happy with it but that can change in moments depending on what happens from now til then. We have hit our nine month which is super exciting even though I just wasn't have a good day on the third. My emotions got to a bit of a high with everything that was happening though most of that has been fixed now. 

My mom has an 80% clogged artery. For those of you who don't know, my mom has had a stroke before so if she doesn't get this fixed up then it...just isn't good news. I know I shouldn't but I prepare myself everyday for the phone call of her passing on. The cops questioning me, judging me like her friends do because I'm not willing to suspend my life for an unknown amount of time to make sure she has a roof over her had when all she could do when I needed her to do that was drink & smoke. She is my next forgiveness letter & this is actually going to be harder then I thought it would be. There's just so much...a lifetime worth...I just don't know where to even start. Was it when Rick came in? Was it when I got old enough to have a brain? Was it when Grandma moved in? Was it when Rick left? I just can't pin point it & all it makes me want to do it cry. I'm not even sure why any more other then because some part of me remembers. Remembers the person she used to be & can't help but wonder why the fuck her kid wasn't good enough to stay that way. In my world a kid trumps everything in life. You make sure you do what is best for that kid. Maybe that's just me.

There's some other stuff that happened too but I'm just not ready to talk about yet. I will see what I can do about posting up something else this weekend. Maybe I will have some time tomorrow morning. -crosses fingers- 

AWAY WITH MY A.D.H.D.

~Cyran J. Harrington~