I Have Died

I have died.

I have died so many times.

Not in the physical sense though.

Much more in the metaphorically kind.

The first place I died was in middle school when my mother blamed me for her husband leaving, but she was too drunk & high to retain that this happened.

The second time was when I had to quite soccer in high school.

Thirteen years of passion gone down the drain because I didn't fit into their little box.
I was put on JV for the third year in a row when I was good enough for varsity.

It came down to choosing between my self esteem being repeatedly punched at & kicked down for shits & giggles, or money.

The third time I died was when I lost my first love.

Most have been through it, and most have been devastated by it. 
What killed me though was that I was so beaten and broken that I didn't fight to win it back.

You know what they say though, if it was yours it will come back and if it doesn't come back it was never really yours.

The forth time was when my best friend of a few years walked out on me because of something over Facebook that wasn't about her at all.

You know what they say about assuming.

The worst part about this though, I let them back in with almost no conscience and all I have gotten in return was how I make them feel like shit all the time.
One more fuck up in my book when all I did was do my best to satisfy.

The 5th time I died was when I put down my camera after letting some hard realities hit me.

20-15 years to get any where close to known and then maybe still not be known, and I wanted a more stable life then what my mother had given me.

And that meant having money.
Which meant not living a life of chance.

The 6th time however...I lived.

I made decisions on my own.
 I did what was best for me, for once, and I rose so far from the ashes people mistook me for the sun.

I thrived for the first time in the 20 years of my life and Here I Am.

21 and still thriving now.

I've proven to myself that I am worth something.
I'm so glad I found that duck tape so I could put the broken pieces back together again.

I have learned, even though people may be saying negative things behind my back, that they are making me famous and the people that matter out of those are the one's that learn the truth for themselves.

I have learned that my time is mine alone and I shouldn't be handing it out like a door prize.

With my camera back in my hand, & my first love back in my arms.

I strive on.
I won't let anyone stop me this time.

Mostly not me.

~Cyran J. Harrington~