Thought Full Mind Of A Beating Heart

This past Satuerday night I had a wonderful time with a frined going to an artist vending event called "Girls Show." It was the best time I had had in a very long time to be honest & it sparked something in me. Something I had forgotten about so long ago after I started ignoring what I really wanted in life because every time I seemed to get close to what I wanted I got shot down & hurt again so I would just let it go. Which wasn't fair to me at all, nor to the people that would enjoy my work.

I haven't  missed Photography so much in a long time. I was itching ot be behind a booth sailing my most prised peices to people who would hang them up to enjoy them as well.

This got me started thinking about why I had givin it up along with many other passions of mine.

I gave up photography to just be a hobby instead of a carrier choice because of how expensive it is & how much it would not get me somewhere in the time I wanted to be that place. A nice place of my own that I could afford & pay all of my bills. I wasn't going to be able to get on the cover of  National Geographic by the time I was 25 cause of how many other things I had on my plate & so I just stopped. Once again money was the biggest issue in my world so I put down something I loved & had such a passion for because of that green shit. Because only people with money get places.

There is one other passion of mine that I gave up so easily & I will never forget how bad I felt for it. How I long to have it back in my life but just haven't figuered out how yet...NOt at this age anyways. It's soccer. I can not convay to anyone how much ithurt to give that one thing up at 17 because of the people at my school causing me so much self-esteim problems from it. People who I had been better then for YEARS playing the game were on varisty when I was stuck on JV & looked down on constently because I didn't fit their perfect little fucking image. Because I questioned them instead of following their little rules like the solider I was supposed to be at that age. God forbid I have a mind of my own. God forbid I don't fit in a box.

Sad to say my self-esteim dropped to amazingly low levels as I was degrated by year after year & I finally got a job. So I chose between the two...I chose the money. Because that seemed more important at the time & safe for my broken self. So I gave up something that I had been doing for the majority of my like (8 years) because I just couldn't do it anymore.

Even at 20 I miss it so much that it brings me to tears & I want desparetly it back into my life but at my age there is not alot of places to play.

But photography is something I can take care of now & with this break comeing from school for me I think it is a perfect time to set my life up for it again. I believe I have the right support group for it too this time instead of people telling me not to live my life through a camera. I am also stronger then I was before to tell them to shove it & that they don't understand.

If you want to get any where in photography you literally see everything through it no matter what. You are constaently clicking away having to remember to stop & breath while every once in a while in anticapation for when you get home to look them over. It's something that is consently on your mind. If you don't understand that then I don't need you in my life.

Anything that is worth it isn't easy after all.

It's about time I start proving that to myself.

It's time I get back into what I love to see where it takes me rather then running away because it might poise a challeng for me.

Now if only I could get that battery charger.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Beauty in the Breakdown

...For the longest time I have been avoiding this but I think it's time I finally say the things I've wanted to say for so long but thought it was wrong for me to say because I didn't have the right to. I have figuered out though that I have just as much right as anyone else. It has taken so long to figure it out but...I have & damnit I 'm going to say what I need to now cause the only person I am hurting by not saying it...Is me.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being scared every time I do something in case I anger someone else. I'm tried of thinking that everything I do will cause someone harm because of the past. The past is in the past & there is nothing I can do to change it now. So it's time I let it lay there in piece for the first time ever. Now I know that it will always bother me somehow & I have learned from it, but perhaps it won't bother me as much.

Katie Dolton. The first women who got a hold of mt heart after everything that had happened. I loved her so much. I changed everything for her. Mostly my way of life & god was she worth it. I was so happy...I lost her. After that nothing was ever the same. Then we found each other here. I still had that ring. I still loved her with all of my heart. But I had forgotten so much in the time from then to now. I had gone back to dealing with my emotions at the end of a needle & doing the stupidest things to make sure everyone was amused without a care in the world. 

Was it right? No.

Was I thinking? No.

Did I hurt her because of what I did? Yes.

Did I do it on purpose? God no...

I would have died for that girl. I would have done anything in my power to make her happy if someone had just talked to me. If someone would have just given me the time of day. If she had just told me what she was feeling...what she had going on inside her mind. 

But I wasn't worth that...I apparently wasn't worth alot of things as people blamed me for everything that had happened & left my side one by one. But it was in a mass group rather then a piece at a time. Telling me how my actions caused her to go to a mental instaute. How I made her so depressed she wanted death. 

Did anyone consider my side of the story? I want to say no but it's hard to tell. 

I was going through so many withdraws that all I remember is the pain of being alone & wondering how it had come to this again. What I had done that was so horrible that I was left to rot once more. 

Did anyone know that I was close to death myself? Did anyone care? The only thing that stopped me was my Dear Sweet Baby Girl Emma Rose Cullen walking by my door to make me realize I wasn't alone, though I felt so much like it as a shook by myself while throwing up day after day. I was hurt, angry, upset & no one to catch me this time but the site of something that was partly me. I owe her so much for that. 

If I had done what I was going to do that night I would not be married to the most wonderful women in the world. I would not have more children then I can count or get to see any of them grow any. I would not have been able to do anything I have from then to now & I would have hurt so many more in the procces. 

I didn't whore myself back then because Katie wasn't good enough. I did it to keep food on the table & a roof over our head so she didn't have to worry about it. I had rules & it was nothing I was proud of. But it was steady work with good pay & with a baby on the way we needed it. I was ashamed to ask her to get a job to help so I didn't have to do that because it was so looked down upon for women to do that which meant they would get shit about their husbands not being good enough & what a louse pick made. I wouldn't put her through that...& I don't think I could of handled being looked down on like that.

But she never told me she wanted to work either or that she didn't mind. She kept her mouth shut as well & I know she has her reasons just like I had mine but everyone has listened to her's where I was just blamed for her state. What made that okay without getting my side of the story huh? What gave anyone the right to throw me under the fucking bus with only one fucking side?

This wasn't fair. 

I know life isn't fair but I personally think this was way to one sided to even say that to. 

I've gone over the situation many times & I know where I made the first mistake, trusting Elaina to keep her mouth shut. I told her I had whored myself & when I got to talk to Katie again one on one I was going to tell her & talk to her about it myself because I knew our marriage was rocky at that point. She promised me she wouldn't tell but I guess promises never meant anything to her because she told Katie that day they all went to six flags for Katy Perry. 

It was all down hill from there. 

The divorce papers came...

& the next person I talked to was Justice. I still have the log where he told me what had happened. How he explained to me that Katie wanted to kill herself & was now with Dillion, not only seemed to betray me but his wife's dear sister Carolina. I can see the man I had put so much faith & love in beaming over how he was hurting me at the time & it still somewhat makes me sick but I try not to think about it. As far as I know doesn't remember doing this either, which I'm not sure weather it's better or worse. 

I'm not sure what was worse, losing Katie & being blamed for all her problems or the man that had always promised to be there. That my foundess memory as a child was dressing in women's clothing & putting on make. Going up to him & telling him I was going to be his wife when I got older. I was silly, young, & foolish but the memory is cute & held truth at the time. 

I've never been one to do emotions half ass after all. You either have my heart or you don't. 

Sear, Nick, & Spider never contacted me besides by the picture that was sent to us of me & Katie with many angry writings on it from most everyone about what I did to her. 

Garrick was another one that was hard though somewhat more expected. "I do not consider you a student of mine anymore." After doing so much to get where I wanted to be. I righted that though. So it's not as be as a let down as it could have been through the years. 

After so many nights of them all gone I hear that it is my fault that Katie had HIV. 

I think this was the last straw for me. I just finally stopped caring. I considered our "friendship" gone & nothing left to be salvaged from anything we had before. How does one blame someone for giving them something they don't have?

I just stopped.

I left it all behind though it was still with me to some extent. I don't think I stopped loving her until recently to be honest. But I don't have the time to waist on the thoughts anymore. It's over & done. 

End of story. 

I will never forget it but I don't have to keep a constant reminder of it around in my thoughts.

This is my good bye to it. 

To the anger, to the pain, & to the constant memory.

Let go.

~Krade D. Cullen~

Know How Long

Recently I have been thinking quite a lot. Probably more then I ever should think but it's something that has been meaning to happen with everything that has been going on in my life. Honestly, I have been going through it just as I needed to at the time. Putting just the minimum amount of thought into the procces as I can because it seemed to taxing to do anything else then that. I know I have been lacking here though. I think it all started when I was blind sided by the eviction from my house that I had been in since I was 13. 

I had been expecting the notice for god knows how long just because the shape the house was in & how my mother always seemed to be behind, but when it stared me in the face it was a whole knew story. Suddenly my world was not so simple anymore. It wasn't just "go to school, work, & survive when you got home." it turned it to just "survive" because that day when my mother screamed at me how she just "couldn't do it anymore" trying to blame it on my again was a major wake up call for me. "Get out."

I knew it was time I did this right. I couldn't handle taking care of her anymore. She is my mother after all not my child. As I have been saying for the last, Ra knows how long, "If I wanted a kid I would have had one damnit." But I haven't. I've wanted nothing more then to live & have fun in my youth. I've never wanted kids as I grew up. I would still like a younger sibling but it seems that I have obtained that over the past few months & man do I love that girl, she called me sissy too which just made my heart weak. Over all though that is what this move has been about.

When I was 18 I believe that I made a long term agenda goal chart & I think I still have it somewhere though I would have to hunt for it. I do remember that the first one was "Have my own place by 20." I am starting to think that that list was more magic then I had thought it would be. I am overly glad though. It is time for me to get out of there after all. I am 20. Have had a stable job for 4 years, going on 5. Have gone to college with my own money working my way through the system by myself because my mother has no idea how. I have made my own way with little of her help though I can't say that for others. She has been an emotional inhibitory for me for years & you have no idea how good it feels to be free of that. To know that I don't have to come home because someone is holding something over my head to make me but because I want to. Cause it is home for me. Not something I have to do just be okay. I will be on my own with nothing holding me back. 

I've never felt more free. 

But at the same time it has taken another toll on me that I can't help but be mad at her for. I'm not going to be able to go to school this semester. I do know that this is my choice & shouldn't have animosity towards her but I can't help it. If she had her shit together for the last god knows how long then maybe I would be where everyone else is, or what it seems most are. Off at a big college where I have a full ride scholarship in soccer studying photography as my major, going to England next semester. I would have an Ipod, or nook, or new laptop, or all the gaming systems that I want along with the games. You have no idea how much it bothers me to know that if she just had her shit together then I could be somewhere else in the world right now. If she would have followed the agreement to take care of me when she signed my papers when adopting me then I could be somewhere different. But I'm not. 

I know it is not all her fault, cause it takes two to tango...but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or bother me to no end. I can explain to no one how angry it makes me when they are like "LOOK LOOK LOOK" & I'm like. "That's nice. Now if you excuse me I have to go work my ass off to live. You mind?" It makes me want to scream. I have had to change my major because of my mother because Photography will not pay the bills until much later in life & I just can't afford it right now. I need something quick & easy to get me going to get to my dream. But I have to ask why? Why is it that so many others are blessed with so much when it always feels like I'm doing good if I can keep my head above water? I will never understand what I did wrong.

On the other side of this I will use all of this rage to fuel me to get where she never will be. As if to prove that though she has lost I can still win & maybe give her some joy in the process to know she has not completely fucked me up. I will go about life the best I can with nothing holding me back. I will take it one step at a time & live every moment like I don't have another. I will do everything I can to get what I can out of this life & hope I have learned what I needed to to get to the next one. 

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I have a roar that will knock you over & I plan on using it for the first time in a very, very long time.

Which brings me to the next part of this little rant...since when was it okay for people to try & manipulate others to get what they thought was right out of a situation?

If it's not your situation the stay the hell out of it. Be there if someone needs you to be to listen but only give advice if asked, in my opinion. I don't rant to people to get advice cause I most likely have already thought of that advice myself, I go to people so they can see that I am frustrated with something & make me laugh about it. I will ask for your advice if I am desparet enough but others wise I just need to get things off my chest so that I don't explode. I mainly talk to get my emotions out, not to be met with "Well do this this & this." That just tells me you want me to shut the hell up. IT's frustrating.

Also, if you don't like something that someone is doing then you are more then welcome to tell them but honestly I don't believe it is your place to try & maneuver the situation so that it boils down to what you want. I am a capable dacision maker so why the hell did people go behind my back to try & get someone else to stop what they were doing to make me "chose." Pardon the rudeness but...YOU FUCKING DON'T. I don't need any help from anyone else & neither do the people I am involved with. If I want to have sex with one person while dating another then there is nothing wrong with that & if you have a moral problem with it then you can sure let me know, just know that it doesn't matter to me.

My morals & everyone else morals are very different but they are mine & seeing how it didn't involve anyone who was interfering then they should keep their noses out of it. I'm not going to go behind your back to fuck with your life so why would you do that to me. If you are making a mistake like I think you are you will either learn from it or not without my help. Everyone grows at their own rate. I also know that people will have a moral problem with the stance I am taking right now. BUt it causes so much less drama to stay out of the middle of shit that does not involve you then in the middle of it. Getting in the middle of things causes many many problems & that I just don't need. If people need me or want me to get in the middle of it they are more then welcome to ask me to other wise I am out of it. 

I know what is mine & what is yours & this is where I will stand. 

~Cyran J. Harrington.~

Confessions in Mass Numbers

Cyran's Confessions

1) People who whine a lot to get there way pisses me off more then most things in the world.

2) It's not that I do not care to fight with you about idiotic things, but that I do not find you worth wasting that much energy only to come to the conclusion that we have opposite views on the situation that neither are willing to change minds on.

3) Going into any of the armed forces is a very last resort & I'm sick of people talking to me about how it's the "best option" when it's really just the easy way out in my opinion.

4) I act like I know what people are talking about more then I actually KNOW what people are talking about because I hate being laughed at by my peers, or asking them questions in case they look down on me. I look it up later online.

5) I have a dream of fighting a war with gummy bears...& WINNING.

6) I can't wait to stop smoking & start working out again. I feel like this will improve my quality of life somehow.

7) I would like there to be an ocean in my living room.

8) I would rather live in a world full of zombies then living people any day, cause with the zombies I at least know 

where I stand as I blow their brains out.

Yuki's Confessions

1) This whole hermit thing is actually pretty cool. A lot less drama involved in it really.

2) I don't actually think I'm going to get to where I want to be but I will never know if I don't try.

3) Love is a somewhat silly emotion that leave room for too much weakness but seem an necessary emotion to show for the least amount of grief about it.

4) I really do miss cosplaying but really don't have the money for it & would perfre to cosplay people from real shows then Anime.

5) The voices don't like you. :)

6) I live for the experiences & the good times.

7) I don't believe in happy endings.

8) I'm more scared of losing her, again, then death.

9) I have a tendency to try & break through the road blocks then go around them.

10) The only emotions that comes out of me without too much effort is meanness, & being sexual. 

11) I didn't give up photography as a carrier because I wanted to, but because I was looking to see what I wanted in life. It will not make me enough money in enough amount of time to get what I want from it until much later. 

12) If you ask me a question I may give you the correct answer for it. But I will always give you an amswer. 

13) Honestly, if you don't like something about me that's great & all...but I most likely won't try to change it unless I find it something dire to my life. Hell, I may do it more just to troll your ass. :)

14) You will learn more about my emotional state of mind from the music I am playing then from listening to me talk.

15) I made the blog/journal thing because so many people shut be down when I try to have an emotional talk with them to get out what I need. This way I still get out what I need & people can read it if they want to but I no longer have to deal with people rejecting my emotions so they don't stay bottled up.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Life In Memories

I remember the white of the ether I had been awaiting an opportunity in. It was much like the inside of a cloud that was about to erupt with woes only the oceans could tell.

I don’t  know how long I had been there for but behind there was sudden static in the otherwise silent place, my body swiftly turned to find a boy.  Huddled against him self as if he was frightened of something. “Hello there...” I announced myself while softly approaching him, I could see the red running down his legs where his hands were holding them close but was not too concerned. Nothing seemed to truly be harmful in this state of limbo.

He raised his head with tired dark eyes at me, he wasn’t startled nor did he seem surprised, though he didn’t move from that position he was huddled. “You were not ready for this were you?” I asked, now besides the boy in the ritualistic clothing from Mayan days. He could not have been older then ten.

He only shook his head back & forth lightly to confirm my answer which sent a charming smile along my lips. “Then perhaps I can be of assistance.” I said standing up with my hand out stretched to the boy, those ever so empty eyes watching me with mild curiosity now. “I can not seem to manifest myself in this world on my own, & you do not wish to die yet. If you lend me space in you body I will keep you alive until we no longer need one another.” I offered, that hand waiting for him to accept my proposition. If he did not then it was unsure as to what would happen.

I don’t know how long he stared at my hand but eventually he nodded firmly with life & sternness back in those eyes. A red soaked hand grasped onto my offered one. “You may call me Kradonous.” I said, a nod was all I received from this as the cloud around us slowly went to a blinding white then I was looking up at the black night sky. The table under me was cold & the small body I had just acquired was shaking viscously. It had to be from loose of blood.

Slow deliberate movements got me on my feet & out of the temple door to the large stair case that looked down on the tribal village. It was only moments later that I saw the full moon in the sky..& as if by insenct, began to howl something at it that the boy’s subconious was feeding me.

~Kradonous Ravonous Codwell~

Unfair Judgement From A Memory

You know I hate Katy Perry right?

Okay, maybe not hate but strongly dislike. Though I am trying to decide weather that is because she is so annoying with her music or because of the memory I have attached to her first hitting it big. 

My girlfriend at the time was really into her along with a good friend of ours at the time. So into it that we went to her concert at Six Flags over Texas during Anime Fest 2008 & I was pretty much ignored the whole time, & when I went to hold my girlfriends hand I was told that I couldn't do it with the fingers intertwined because it was too "intimate" & people from her father's work might see. But if was perfectly okay to do it with the good friend. 

A few weeks later she broke up with me & got with her. Weather she broke up with me for her is still questionable but what happened still happened. It's still something I think about when I hear her music which is what has cause me so much distress toward her music. 

After time though I feel that that's a pretty stupid reason for me to dislike someone with such catchy music. I still think alot of her songs are pretty stupid & some are way more annoying then they ever should be but I do enjoy a few of them. Like the song above, "Fireworks." I can feel how much she believe's in it when it's sung even if it is through a recording which makes it even more respectable in my book.

Her songs can be silly & way to teenage for me, but they are fun, light, dance-able & easy to get. 

So here I go giving into the mainstream of the world to get over a harsh memory I connected to her.

Do me better the second time around alright Katy Perry.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Emotions Of A Foolish Women

~Carolina Ashmore~

The Thoughts Of The Recently Blind

I can remember the last time this happened because of this same reason... I cried in front of my wife while stroking her hair scared out of my mind that I would never get to see her beautiful features again or my children grow up...

I got back my site.

She divorced me.

My children grew.

I remarried.

I had more children.

Now this doesn't scare me nearly as much.

I've seen alot of the world & what it can do. I'm not scared of not seeing it again. It's tragic really, the things that one one sees & remembers through out their life. I'll never forgot the blood stains on the floors of the one's I loved. I will also never forget how gorgeous my current wife is. The way my children have grown & how they look now. Knowing that I can do this without being scared is the biggest thing for me. It means I have grown myself & matured a great deal more. I don't know if people would go as far as call me an adult just yet, haha. But I'm closer then I was before. 

The other part that helps with this is the people that love me. 

The family I have built over time & how much they are willing to support me through it. I can't help but wonder if I took them for grantent before...I know I don't now.

I don't know where I would be without them after all. As much trouble that I get into & how much they always help me out of it there is no way I could not be grateful for them...Now I wonder if they feel the same towards me. Or if I'm still that trouble making idiot they put up with cause they feel they need to.

God I hope not & something tells me they don't.

I have to say the person I most likely owe the most to right now...Is my wife. 

I love her. She'll stand by me no matter what. No matter how angry I make her, she never gets mad. She is the calm in my chaos & the fire in my heart. From the moment I met her she has never left my side even when everyone else did. She has been there through it all. The death, heart ache, the endless nights of my restless dreaming. I'm safe with her, & I know this. She understands me so well...no one could even begin to understand.

There is someone else that does something similar as well. They have been there for me since I was little & even though they leave my side...they have always come back some how. With apologies fresh on the tongue & arms open for the taking. Without thought, I always seem to find myself back in them. Strong. Protective. Calm. It's nice to have a comfort zone that has been with me the whole time to come back to...well...most of the time. 

Anyways, I'm not scared. I have people that love me & a way to get around just as easily with my site, without it. 

~Krade Degrick Cullen~

There's No Place Like Home

That's how the words go right?

Dorthy standing there with stripier red shoes on clacking them together while saying "There's no place like home.." until she whirls back to where she considers home. Which just happens to be Kansas, with her blood relatives. 

This is how most people portray this word though. Like it's the place you have grown up & never want to leave because of it. Like it's the only place you can truly come back to to be safe...warm...welcomed....It's also the only place that you have family. Blood family that will love & accept you forever.

I can't help but strongly disagree with this poor view on a simple matter. 

Why may you ask?

For starters, I was adopted. So this whole aspect of "family" gets a bit convoluted in my book. To me "family" is not ALWAYS chosen by blood, but the family that has chosen to take me in from when I was small is not much family to me either. So how can you call it a "home" if the "family" that is there with you is more like people you have to put up with until you can get somewhere better in life? Cause you know they are the only ones that are, more or less, obligated to help you out because of legal action?

This does not fit into any kind of family to me. It sure as hell doesn't feel like a family from the emotions I have gotten from other people's family, & when it's the only thing you have to compare to you weigh it heavily against what you do have. 

According to Dictionary.com "Home" as a noun means...

1) a house, apartment, or other shelter that is the usualresidence of a person, family, or household.

2) the place in which one's domestic affections are centered.

3) an institution for the homeless, sick, etc.: a nursing home.

Seeing how I have already touched on the first one, how about the second one. It indicates that there is more to a home then a place where you sleep & keep out of harsh weather, but that there is emotions behind it. That it is a place of domestic affections. So does that mean that home can be in more then one place for you? Cause I have those kinds of feelings many places...so can home be in more then once place?

Then the third one is rather self explanatory, yet sad in a sense. It is mearly a place that you can rest when needed or even die in if needed. I think I actually agree with the second one the most out of all of these.

So what does home mean to me if I keep ripping apart other people's version of it? 

I think the best way to describe my version of home with the simple saying of: Home is where the heart is.

For a long time I would ask people where their heart was to find this out...because I had no idea where mine was & if I started looking it might be where other people's have placed there. After all, it hates being alone...but it also hates to be seen.

So I searched & searched...& searched...& eventually stopped & decided that when it was ready to be found it would be. After all I didn't need it for anything I was doing at the moment. I really didn't feel like I had a home for it to come back to anyhow so what was the point of having it? It wasn't like I was using it after all. It was more of a weak spot anyways.

Recently though...it's come to my attention that I have perhaps found it in the midst of all the moving chaos that has been happening. 

In the past three months I will have moved three different times. I will have lost alot of things in this move & gained alot more for it, depending....but I think the most valuable thing is a place I can call home. A place where I can sit, smile & feel that if I show my heart a bit...it won't be completely shut down...but maybe even embraced. 

Though I shouldn't say one place in particular. It's places. 

I have many different homes in many different ways & I am proud to say it finally. I am more then thrilled to say that. I have several places I can go to be "safe." I have many people, not blood related, I am more then willing to call family. The best part of all is that I have found my heart to be able to divide among these that I have found in my collection of homes.

This person knows who they are & I am pleased to have them back in my life more then I can tell in words on a post to an internet blog of my emotions.

For me...home is where the heart is, & I'm more the happy to finally say it with the biggest smile on my face...

Welcome Home.

~Cyran J. Harrington~