Her

You know, after yesterday I have come to realize a few things that I haven't been doing that I should be. All of them revolve around Girlfriend, & one of the main things I haven't been doing is showing her off as much as I think, now, that I should. So I will start by telling you lot about her, because she is mentioned here but never for really more then an "I love her" with a reasoning before the statement or after. 

I guess I should explain how I finally came to this conclusion besides my amazing powers of observations.

Yesterday Girlfriend had surgery on her sinuses because the were super small & causing her a mass of medical problems that she didn't need/want. She asked me to come with her because it would make her feel better & what not, I agreed. As the days counted down to this event I felt a knot in my stomach due to her mother's presence there. But I pushed it down knowing that Girlfriend needed/wanted me there & I was going to do everything I could to make this day better/easier for her.

Low & behold, her mother didn't fail to cause more problems then help with things. 

We woke up, got everything together, & went off to the place we were supposed to go, got everything in order, then me & her mother waited until it was time to go see her. 

After she was in recovery the doctor came out to talk to her mother then noticed me & asked if I was a sister, cousin, & what have you. I promptly responded with "I'm her girlfriend." In which he smiled & explained everything to me directly this time instead of her mother & I could feel the heat of her mother's glare on my back. 

When we finally got to go back to see Girlfriend to take her home her mother was none too pleased that she kept looking at me & that I held her hand to let her know that she was okay & that I was there. (Which is what she wanted me to do & I obliged.) 

Her mother pretty much treated me like crap the whole way home, snapping at me & giving me dirty looks in the mirror. She was even annoyed that I helped her go to the bathroom when she needed it because you know...THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE.

Anyways, we get back to Girlfriend's parents house in Rockwall & Girlfriend wanted me to lay with her until she feel asleep. Of course I oblige because I know how I don't want to feel alone when I feel like crap & have just gone through something like that so why would I denied someone that didn't want to feel that way? We get to a bed & I go to slip in after her & her mother losses it. "No!" She exclaimed. "Come on she need to rest alone." She so lovingly coxed me off the bed. 

"She asked me to." I responded & again her mother gave me the negative.

Girlfriend finally said it was fine so I reluctantly got up & left the room to finish unloading the car & what have you with more then rage about to come out of me. I got things out of the car & took them to the room upstairs where we stay when coming here. When I brought her her favoret stuffed animal & the blanket she brought her mother gave me a look that if they could kill I would already be buried in the field in the back.

We were both quite upset by her mother yesterday for not only treating me that way, but her own daughter. She made Girlfriend feel worse then she already did. The only reason I didn't scream at her was to make Girlfriend's day go smoothly so there was as little trouble for her as possible so she could recover. 

I don't think I will ever forget how horrible I felt though. Because the only reason her mother was doing that to me was because I am Biologically a women. Because she has been taught to disapprove of the LGBT community. Because she would rather see a man, who is more likely to abuse her daughter, with her daughter...then a women...& there was Nothing. I. Could. Do. About. It. 

Any other day, I would have gone off & made valid logical points to her & made her feel bad for how she was making her daughter feel. I wanted to ask her how it made her feel doing this to her daughter when I have done nothing but good things for her. How would she feel if she went in for surgery & someone kept her husband away from her after words because a fictional book that has been re-translated for Ra knows how long has has told them that it is "wrong" for them to love each other? I wanted to her to make me understand how she couldn't be happy about her daughter finding someone who was more then willing to take care of her in her time of need? I wanted her to show me how she was more right for hating then we were for loving. 

Something tells me I never will though. Because love should over rule hate, in my min any how. 

After all of this is how I came to realize so much about her. About how much I actually care about her. About how much I would like this to be long term & that I think I am willing to trust it to be. About everything she has done for me without me noticing just how much it has done for me. 

I love her. 

I love her so much I don't know if there are words to explain it. But I know I do in my actions. 

Ultamintly I know she knows, which is all that really matters but I feel like the world needs to know that I love her, & that she loves me.

We love each other. Even when we fight, I never have to worry about her not loving me, because we fight because we love each other, & we want to work things out. Everything we do for each other is not to show one another up, or prove we are better then the other, or to show who cares more, we do it out of love & caring with no guilt attached. 

We are very different people after all. In very different worlds but yet oddly similar in our own respects & exactly the same in our love.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

I Flash People

As i woke up this morning at Grilfriend's parents house I got to watch the most beautiful thing happen...I got to watch the sun rise. All I saw at first was the deep purple's & the light shade's of yellow pushing back the harsh shades of dark that the night was trying to let linger. Breath taking is to common of a thing to say for it but will work none the less.

That is the moment though. The moment I felt it tug at my heart, the sadness that my Nikon was no where near me. That by the time I could get it the sun rise would be over & my efforts wasted. I was...disappointed at me. 

So I started things about WHY I put it down to begin with. Why I decided that I didn't have the passion to do it anymore. To carry it around my shoulder for easy access when ever something occurred...

I told everyone that it was because it's such a flaky thing to depend on becoming. A photographer in the digital age wasn't likely to get very far. Which is very true, but not the reason I stopped seeing the world through the lens. It is very wise to have a back up plan & go with that first, so I will be continuing to study ASL in this next year or school that I attend so I know that I have something to keep me on my feet in the mean time. 

The reason I put down the camera, the reason it is sitting at home right now, the reason I can't remember the last time I actually used it, is because of the people I called my friends telling me repeatedly that they were tired of me living behind the lens. That I wasn't living life. That I should do what they wanted & not what I wanted, & I was weak enough to give in. I didn't want to but as our country is set up this way, majority vote wins. It's how we have been shaped since babies.

I'm done being shaped by someone else though.

When coming to the conclusion I became angry, disappointed, upset, hurt, & over all of that I felt weak. I will change that though this year. More of me is about to change then it did last year & I'm not sure where I will be at the end of it, but it won't be here. 

This next year my camera will be glued to my hand again. To my eye more times then nit & I will watch the world from behind a lens. Capturing moments in time that I will never get back, that I may forgot with old age. But the prof from that device that will be an extension of myself will remind me that it did. Other people write to express themselves where I take a photograph, it's worth a thousand words after all. With all different meanings to different people.

Not only will it be an extension of my body but I have new dreams in mind to get me where I want to be. I will be frequenting craigslist for photography jobs, I will be putting up things on craigslist that offer my services to the LGBT community, I will be starting an Etsy, & I will be entering as many shows as I am allowed along with learning more then I ever thought I could about all the lens I can along with every type of paper there is, & to top that off I want to learn all the ways to print as well. There is lighting to be learned & what not. By the end of the year I will be an expert in the technical aspect of photography, because you will never be an expert of the vision of photography. It will always be changing as your life changes. 

After all the only stable thing in life is change. 

That's just one of the things I will be doing this year. One of the things I will be changing. 

Something else that I feel was taken from me by other's was soccer. It's something I have missed more then anything in the world. It was one thing I was just good at without trying, until the coaches in high school decided that I wasn't good enough for the varsity team because I didn't fit their perfect box. 

I should of kept playing, I should have practiced harder. I should have been on varsity. I was good enough for it. I know I was just like everyone else. But I was bi, a "goth" kid, had piercings, was in a troubling home life, & didn't drink myself stupid each week end. 

So now I am here. I don't believe there are teams for my age now unless you are in school fulltime which I can't do with how much I work but I can start coaching a girl team somewhere. to get a bit back into it. To help someone else achieve there dream like I couldn't achieve mine because of people not liking me. I can be the support for kids that may need someone like me in their life. I figured this is a better place for me anyhow. For their sake.

Those are just two things that I'm bring back into my life that should of never left. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Yuletide 2011

Over all I have nothing truly to complain about this Yuletide, other then my main job treating me...well...like they have always treated me. I will say though I did go through a hard bought of depression not too long ago though. Girlfriend was there to help me out of it. She let me get my worries out when I hit the lowest of it & helped me get back to me feet. It's a wonderful feeling knowing she will be there to hold me up no matter what.

In other news...

As some of you know I send out a morning text every morning with a little quote of that day that I retrieve from offline, & todays is something I plan on writing on a white bored somewhere where I can look at it every day this next year:

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

It's like someone knew I needed to find it so it showed up this morning on the site I go to for the quotes to send out. (Quote Page)

As I have said before this upcoming year will be the year of forgiveness for me. I have told the Lady of our Kindred this & she has discussed it with me a bit, at least enough to have given me something to think about, & I am well on my way to already for filling this task. 

The one individual that I felt I would have the hardest time with...has actually been the easiest. I'm practiacly done with their's already. I still plan on writing a letter & ending it with a meditation to finish the job. Then there will be sage & cleansing of all the crystal's I will have been wearing while I did this. The meditations I believe will be the hardest part of this one. Cutting that last spiritual bond because they were such a large reason of who I am today. Though it will be done when I finish. I think the reason it has been so easy for me to go about the first part of it is because of the quote, & the more I do it the more I grow confidence that I can & that's it's okay to let go of it. I dislike pain so why would I want to hold it close to me anymore? 

The other thing that got me kick started on this was one particular thing the Lady of our Kindred said to me that night...

"It also give's her the chance to let the feelings come up & her to tell them no." 

I know this wasn't something that was supposed to make me think on my behalf but it did. It has made me understand how to do this a bit better. When I feel those feeling of pain, hurt, or any sort of suffering I have to tell it "No, I will not let you have a part of my time any longer." & then move on with whatever I am doing. For me it's very different then just looking them in a box so I can wear a mask over them almost every day more then it should of been. This way I must acknowledge the feeling & actually DO something with it then hide it away, which was honestly making it worse.

The the first part of my year is coming along so nicely I think it's time I started talking about some other parts of it. Over the horn this past Hussel I oathed that I would have a new job before I moved in to the apt with my next roommates. I have until sometime in June to really get it all together. I am so sick & tired of the way they are treating me at Taco Delite I can't fucking stand it. I told them my nicknames, or what I'm called outside of there, the other day & all I got was made fun of for it. Not in the good way either. I think they meant it in good fun, but it just wasn't funny to me. I get it, I'm the odd ball out up there. I'm the only pagan, I'm the only anime nerd, I'm the only one who goes to conventions, & I'm a space cadet when I work there because I don't want to be there so badly. I feel like I always fuck up, even when it's the customers mistake, over all I'm just done with it all. I never dread going into Hottopic like I do Taco Delite, because there I know I am appreciate & welcomed. They won't make fun of me for what I believe, or what I like outside of work, or my odd talk of zombie plans. They won't give me crap for my piercings, or tattoos. It's just over all a nicer environment to work in. 

This last time I was leaving Taco Delite to go home one of the owners of the store made a comment to Girlfriend, "We help her, no worries." With a giant smile on their face, directly after I only found out I had two days of work this week, when they know I have bills & what not to pay. I could of lost it right there, but I won't because I need the reference & the job until I find something else that will work me more hours. Even if it pays me less the more hours I can get the better.

I am on the second week of my personal runes study & I must say I never new I had it in me to teach myself things. I've never felt...smart enough I suppose. I still feel like I don't get everything I need out of it compared to having someone teach me but that will come with time. Other people have been working on that skill for years where I have just begun with it. I must be proud of me now in order to move forward & be proud of me later. It's the little things that get you by after all. Overall, I am looking forward to doing the rest of the Runes one by one & spending a week on each. It's a good feeling to be doing that on my own. 

For this I have also done my first warding for a ritual! I got a great review on it too. Though the teaching method of it bothered me alot, along with the lack of trust I was given. There was no "trial & error" or "constructive critisiam" for me. There was me asking "What do I need to do?" & they handed me an open book to a warding incantation page.

"Read that." I was told with a grand smile. So I did. 

I processed to ask, "Do I go around the WHOLE apartment, or just the small area we will be doing the spell work at?" 

Another smile with a simple, "Yes."

I finally asked the Lady of the Kindred who gave me a much better answer then the Lord did. After I was done I didn't get feed back right away, which was fine because people had started to arrive. I waited until after though & had to ask how I did, in which all I got were answers like "Good, great, fine." So I suppose that means I didn't do anything wrong, which is good. But I feel like I was never given a straight answer there. On top of that, he did the warding before I had come over already to "reinforce" my ward. I hate not being trusted to get things like this done & feel like I wasn't trusted not because I couldn't do it, but because no one cared to find out if I could or not or really TAUGHT me how to do it. Everybody there knows I am not good a learning from reading a book, but am a visual, audio learner, so why would they just shove a book at me? It makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously. On the other hand, perhaps this is a new learning way that I need to just breath & get used to. 

I suppose Ra will show me when I need to know. 

Somethings else I will be working on this year will be my confidence. In the last part of 2011 I noticed that I lacked a large amount of this when it comes to talking in public, being put on the spot, or anything else resembling this. I don't tell my opinion because I don't want to be called stupid, or have my opinion shot down, when i have opened my mouth to verbalize how my brain was connecting the dots on something I have been laughed at on multiple occasions, & over all I just don't want to make a fool of myself. I feel like I was told for a good while now that I "stand out too much" so I've stood down, & I can't stand it,but I don't know how to get back up. I feel like there's nothing that great about me, that no one cares about my opinion or what I think. Because of all of this I don't trust myself with anything, or close to nothing anyhow. 

So I will be joining toast masters once January hits so that I work on speaking in public, or being abruptly called on in groups of people. Then there is a meeting that are connected to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings for people who have been at the receiving ends of the abuse of an alcoholic. I am also going to try & work on my body. I have gain some weight that I am not too happy about with makes me feel like I'm less desirable. Then my hair color will be going back to my trademark blond. I'm done with the brown bull crap. As stupid as it sound I feel like my hair color has alot to do with all of this. People don't recognize me like they used too & don't seem to notice me when I have this color hair. I want to be me again, & brow in defiantly not me. 

I'm nervous for these changes coming up, but I know I can do it. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that more then anything in the world. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Make Like A Phoenix

At Samhain the God of the Sun dies & light begin to becoming longer while to day grow shorter, then at Yule the God is reborn from the Goddess so that we can move from winter to spring to star things over again. It's the never ending cycle of life that is sown in every day living & in many other ways. After all, when the sun goes down it has not failed us yet to come up the next day. (I pray that it continues.)

Essentially the year at Samhain ends which is why we burn things away on that holiday. All the thing we no longer wish to take with us to the new year so then at Yule we can be reborn without them, in which we write down the things we wish to do with our new selves to advance to the next level of life. This is how it comes across to me any how without all the story telling involved. 

Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking long & hard about what I wanted to bring into my life at Yule, what new things do i need to do to advance myself to that next level of life. I contemplated writing school in there, but something just feels wrong about that just yet. Then there is my photography, but none of the magic in the world can make me pick up my camera again until i get my confidence back up with it from where I let it fall. I thought about well being, like working out & quitting smoking but, again, I don't feel magic can help me with those things. Those are a bit more personal & not so much something the gods need to help me with but I need to help myself with. The more I kept looking at the obvious the more I was displeased with my thoughts on the matter. 

Last year I had so much i wanted to change & the important things that I wrote down that day for this year...have in one way or another come true to an extent. Some to a very good T. I couldn't be more happy about that. I just wanted to live up to what I lived up to last year & if I dug a little deeper I could get to it. 

It came to me Wednesday in the early part of the day: Forgiveness. 

This is something I have realized that I not only do not know how to do, that I'm not sure I am capable of & there are a few in particulate that it's time to forgive & forget. Mainly two things, because I have accepted them & moved on but I've never truly let them go. This is what is holding me back from alot of things in life. Like living it to the fullest, letting things leave a bitter taste in my mouth isn't something I would want everyday so why am I letting something bitter stay in my mind? It's time for a good washing. 

I will say that I am a bit scared of doing this. It's something huge in anybody's life to forgive the people that you don't really feel need forgiving because of how much they have hurt you, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. By Ra it's time I do this for me because it's just not worth it anymore. I know through this I will have my family behind me. People that love me, care for me, & want to help me through whatever I am going through. I know there support is always there for me even if I don't ask. 

There will be alot of other things I am realizing I want to manifest tin this new next year but that is the big one. So in the near-ish future I may be posting a very blunt forgiveness letter to someone here. They do not have access to this site that I know of, but giving them the chance to see it (however slim it is) makes me feel a bit better. I am ultamitally leaving it to the gods to let this person see it or not.

Over all, I am excited for this month more then ever. I have been working two jobs since just before Thanksgiving. (Hottopic finally called me!) Thanksgiving with Girlfriend's family lovely & I got to finally meet her, almost, 6 month old niece who was cute as could be. I even got invited to spend Christmas with them! I already feel like I'm family there. They were all very sweet to me & made me fee like I fit right in. (Well, as well as anyone looking like me would fit in there. Haha) I've got three different Yule celebrations to go to, Girlfriend's & I's personal thing, Christmas with her family, & then we want to do something kinda big on new years! (I have no idea what that is yet though.) Tomorrow is also our 6 month together this time around. Usually this is the worst month of the year for me but so far things are looking up here this year. I couldn't be happier. 

I have figured out living situations for my next apt. I will have two new roommates & moving to a different area, I will also be looking at going to Brookhaven instead of Richland. Once January rolls around & Hottopic keeps me or lets me go I will be looking for another job to replace Taco Delight. In February I will be turning 21 on the 21st (Lucky lucky!), I will also be moving to stay with Girlfriend until June when I get the new Apt with two other roomates. I have three different cosplays to work on for A-kon that are simple & won't break my bank too much. Our room is pretty much settled with 3 other people which will be drama free & good times all around. I still need to work on A-fest. I have set up my personal Rune study starting next week & I should be done by May 7th, 2012. Those are just the things I am looking at to look forward to right now! There are most likely going to be plenty more that just pop right up as I go along with this wonderful, crazy, beautiful life. 

I have alot to look forward to & alot to work on which is helping fight my depression back I never knew I could smile so much this time of the year. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~