As i woke up this morning at Grilfriend's parents house I got to watch the most beautiful thing happen...I got to watch the sun rise. All I saw at first was the deep purple's & the light shade's of yellow pushing back the harsh shades of dark that the night was trying to let linger. Breath taking is to common of a thing to say for it but will work none the less.
That is the moment though. The moment I felt it tug at my heart, the sadness that my Nikon was no where near me. That by the time I could get it the sun rise would be over & my efforts wasted. I was...disappointed at me.
So I started things about WHY I put it down to begin with. Why I decided that I didn't have the passion to do it anymore. To carry it around my shoulder for easy access when ever something occurred...
I told everyone that it was because it's such a flaky thing to depend on becoming. A photographer in the digital age wasn't likely to get very far. Which is very true, but not the reason I stopped seeing the world through the lens. It is very wise to have a back up plan & go with that first, so I will be continuing to study ASL in this next year or school that I attend so I know that I have something to keep me on my feet in the mean time.
The reason I put down the camera, the reason it is sitting at home right now, the reason I can't remember the last time I actually used it, is because of the people I called my friends telling me repeatedly that they were tired of me living behind the lens. That I wasn't living life. That I should do what they wanted & not what I wanted, & I was weak enough to give in. I didn't want to but as our country is set up this way, majority vote wins. It's how we have been shaped since babies.
I'm done being shaped by someone else though.
When coming to the conclusion I became angry, disappointed, upset, hurt, & over all of that I felt weak. I will change that though this year. More of me is about to change then it did last year & I'm not sure where I will be at the end of it, but it won't be here.
This next year my camera will be glued to my hand again. To my eye more times then nit & I will watch the world from behind a lens. Capturing moments in time that I will never get back, that I may forgot with old age. But the prof from that device that will be an extension of myself will remind me that it did. Other people write to express themselves where I take a photograph, it's worth a thousand words after all. With all different meanings to different people.
Not only will it be an extension of my body but I have new dreams in mind to get me where I want to be. I will be frequenting craigslist for photography jobs, I will be putting up things on craigslist that offer my services to the LGBT community, I will be starting an Etsy, & I will be entering as many shows as I am allowed along with learning more then I ever thought I could about all the lens I can along with every type of paper there is, & to top that off I want to learn all the ways to print as well. There is lighting to be learned & what not. By the end of the year I will be an expert in the technical aspect of photography, because you will never be an expert of the vision of photography. It will always be changing as your life changes.
After all the only stable thing in life is change.
That's just one of the things I will be doing this year. One of the things I will be changing.
Something else that I feel was taken from me by other's was soccer. It's something I have missed more then anything in the world. It was one thing I was just good at without trying, until the coaches in high school decided that I wasn't good enough for the varsity team because I didn't fit their perfect box.
I should of kept playing, I should have practiced harder. I should have been on varsity. I was good enough for it. I know I was just like everyone else. But I was bi, a "goth" kid, had piercings, was in a troubling home life, & didn't drink myself stupid each week end.
So now I am here. I don't believe there are teams for my age now unless you are in school fulltime which I can't do with how much I work but I can start coaching a girl team somewhere. to get a bit back into it. To help someone else achieve there dream like I couldn't achieve mine because of people not liking me. I can be the support for kids that may need someone like me in their life. I figured this is a better place for me anyhow. For their sake.
Those are just two things that I'm bring back into my life that should of never left.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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