Over all I have nothing truly to complain about this Yuletide, other then my main job treating me...well...like they have always treated me. I will say though I did go through a hard bought of depression not too long ago though. Girlfriend was there to help me out of it. She let me get my worries out when I hit the lowest of it & helped me get back to me feet. It's a wonderful feeling knowing she will be there to hold me up no matter what.
In other news...
As some of you know I send out a morning text every morning with a little quote of that day that I retrieve from offline, & todays is something I plan on writing on a white bored somewhere where I can look at it every day this next year:
"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)
It's like someone knew I needed to find it so it showed up this morning on the site I go to for the quotes to send out. (Quote Page)
As I have said before this upcoming year will be the year of forgiveness for me. I have told the Lady of our Kindred this & she has discussed it with me a bit, at least enough to have given me something to think about, & I am well on my way to already for filling this task.
The one individual that I felt I would have the hardest time with...has actually been the easiest. I'm practiacly done with their's already. I still plan on writing a letter & ending it with a meditation to finish the job. Then there will be sage & cleansing of all the crystal's I will have been wearing while I did this. The meditations I believe will be the hardest part of this one. Cutting that last spiritual bond because they were such a large reason of who I am today. Though it will be done when I finish. I think the reason it has been so easy for me to go about the first part of it is because of the quote, & the more I do it the more I grow confidence that I can & that's it's okay to let go of it. I dislike pain so why would I want to hold it close to me anymore?
The other thing that got me kick started on this was one particular thing the Lady of our Kindred said to me that night...
"It also give's her the chance to let the feelings come up & her to tell them no."
I know this wasn't something that was supposed to make me think on my behalf but it did. It has made me understand how to do this a bit better. When I feel those feeling of pain, hurt, or any sort of suffering I have to tell it "No, I will not let you have a part of my time any longer." & then move on with whatever I am doing. For me it's very different then just looking them in a box so I can wear a mask over them almost every day more then it should of been. This way I must acknowledge the feeling & actually DO something with it then hide it away, which was honestly making it worse.
The the first part of my year is coming along so nicely I think it's time I started talking about some other parts of it. Over the horn this past Hussel I oathed that I would have a new job before I moved in to the apt with my next roommates. I have until sometime in June to really get it all together. I am so sick & tired of the way they are treating me at Taco Delite I can't fucking stand it. I told them my nicknames, or what I'm called outside of there, the other day & all I got was made fun of for it. Not in the good way either. I think they meant it in good fun, but it just wasn't funny to me. I get it, I'm the odd ball out up there. I'm the only pagan, I'm the only anime nerd, I'm the only one who goes to conventions, & I'm a space cadet when I work there because I don't want to be there so badly. I feel like I always fuck up, even when it's the customers mistake, over all I'm just done with it all. I never dread going into Hottopic like I do Taco Delite, because there I know I am appreciate & welcomed. They won't make fun of me for what I believe, or what I like outside of work, or my odd talk of zombie plans. They won't give me crap for my piercings, or tattoos. It's just over all a nicer environment to work in.
This last time I was leaving Taco Delite to go home one of the owners of the store made a comment to Girlfriend, "We help her, no worries." With a giant smile on their face, directly after I only found out I had two days of work this week, when they know I have bills & what not to pay. I could of lost it right there, but I won't because I need the reference & the job until I find something else that will work me more hours. Even if it pays me less the more hours I can get the better.
I am on the second week of my personal runes study & I must say I never new I had it in me to teach myself things. I've never felt...smart enough I suppose. I still feel like I don't get everything I need out of it compared to having someone teach me but that will come with time. Other people have been working on that skill for years where I have just begun with it. I must be proud of me now in order to move forward & be proud of me later. It's the little things that get you by after all. Overall, I am looking forward to doing the rest of the Runes one by one & spending a week on each. It's a good feeling to be doing that on my own.
For this I have also done my first warding for a ritual! I got a great review on it too. Though the teaching method of it bothered me alot, along with the lack of trust I was given. There was no "trial & error" or "constructive critisiam" for me. There was me asking "What do I need to do?" & they handed me an open book to a warding incantation page.
"Read that." I was told with a grand smile. So I did.
I processed to ask, "Do I go around the WHOLE apartment, or just the small area we will be doing the spell work at?"
Another smile with a simple, "Yes."
I finally asked the Lady of the Kindred who gave me a much better answer then the Lord did. After I was done I didn't get feed back right away, which was fine because people had started to arrive. I waited until after though & had to ask how I did, in which all I got were answers like "Good, great, fine." So I suppose that means I didn't do anything wrong, which is good. But I feel like I was never given a straight answer there. On top of that, he did the warding before I had come over already to "reinforce" my ward. I hate not being trusted to get things like this done & feel like I wasn't trusted not because I couldn't do it, but because no one cared to find out if I could or not or really TAUGHT me how to do it. Everybody there knows I am not good a learning from reading a book, but am a visual, audio learner, so why would they just shove a book at me? It makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously. On the other hand, perhaps this is a new learning way that I need to just breath & get used to.
I suppose Ra will show me when I need to know.
Somethings else I will be working on this year will be my confidence. In the last part of 2011 I noticed that I lacked a large amount of this when it comes to talking in public, being put on the spot, or anything else resembling this. I don't tell my opinion because I don't want to be called stupid, or have my opinion shot down, when i have opened my mouth to verbalize how my brain was connecting the dots on something I have been laughed at on multiple occasions, & over all I just don't want to make a fool of myself. I feel like I was told for a good while now that I "stand out too much" so I've stood down, & I can't stand it,but I don't know how to get back up. I feel like there's nothing that great about me, that no one cares about my opinion or what I think. Because of all of this I don't trust myself with anything, or close to nothing anyhow.
So I will be joining toast masters once January hits so that I work on speaking in public, or being abruptly called on in groups of people. Then there is a meeting that are connected to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings for people who have been at the receiving ends of the abuse of an alcoholic. I am also going to try & work on my body. I have gain some weight that I am not too happy about with makes me feel like I'm less desirable. Then my hair color will be going back to my trademark blond. I'm done with the brown bull crap. As stupid as it sound I feel like my hair color has alot to do with all of this. People don't recognize me like they used too & don't seem to notice me when I have this color hair. I want to be me again, & brow in defiantly not me.
I'm nervous for these changes coming up, but I know I can do it. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that more then anything in the world.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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