The Captain Is In

I have been thinking on this for a while now & it's come to my attention that blogging about it might clear some thing up for you & me.

People that are close to me know that I'm not a fan of my own country because of the way we come off to the rest of the world. It bothers me at a deeper personal level to know that there are COUNTRIES out there that hate me (or extremely dislike me) just because I am from (or am) America. So when the people that were close to me found out that I love Captain America, & plan on dressing up as him as a cosplay, were quite confused. 

The comment "I don't understand why you love Captain America so much when you complain about America so much." 

I would usually just respond with, "Because I love him & Stark together." with a laugh, but always knew there was something more to it. I did LOVE the character it self apart from my sick, wild fangirl dreams. 

I have figured it out. 

I love Captain America because he stands for everything that America was supposed to stand for. He helps the people in need, & even the bigger man if they become the little man because he knows what it's like to be the little man. He was chosen to be a "super solider" because he was compassionate. Which is something I don't see a lot of Americans be now-a-days. 

When I was younger I was taught basic manors. Say please & thank you, be polite, if you have nothing nice to say don't say anything at all, look people in the eyes when they talk to you, respond to people that are talking to you, hold the door open for people coming in after you, don't be a soar loser, be nice/kind to others, don't take more then you need, chew with your mouth closed, elbows off the table, & no slurping. These are all BASIC things that everyone should have been taught when young, in my opinion, but in todays world they are lost in the selfishness of out society. It's rather sicking to be honest. 

It's like pulling teeth to get a please & thank you out of a kid where I work because their parents are too busy working to actually raise their children or too busy letting them play video games out of their age range or surfing the internet freely. Parents are also too busy making their child their friend then being a parent. Parents are also too busy asking their child "what do you want?" then saying "No you don't need that." 

I understand that in the American world today that it is becoming harder & harder to maintain a satisfying life style for your child & you because of economic reasons & so on, but that is the challenges of today. Just because you have to work more though doesn't mean you can get lazy raising you children. It isn't the consolers in your after school programs job to teach your kid manors, nor is it their teachers, friends, nanny T.V., computer, culture, etc. It is yours. Take responsibility for it.

I think another reason I love Captain America is because he's not some rich man who can put together a fancy outfit & save people. He has nothing to do with money. He is genuinely looking to get somewhere by his own accord & happen stance takes him to play the role he had always wanted to. Yet another thing America is about it opportunities. His story is more real & down to my level then most super hero stories. His story could have been in my own home, there is still the chance. I may not become a super soldier but if I am in the right place at the right time I may run into someone like he did who can get me somewhere with my photography, that I want to be. To be in the right place at the with much hard work & dedication that is. No dreams comes without those things. 

All in all, the Captain, to my knowledge, isn't meant to be a ego-boost for American's heads to get bigger on, but something for the Americans to look at & remember the origins that this country is biased off of. Just like boys & girls like to have role models, so do a country of lost people. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Love

Love.

It's just a 4 letter word but it's one that effects everyones life in such a large way that you don't really realize. Love is something everyone looks for subconsuously, love is something most people feel on a daily basis. Love seems to be the root of a lot of good, & evil. People have died for this word, been hurt for this word, have been diseved by this word...but people have also healed for this word, given back for this world, have saved for this word, & have been inspired by this word.

Who knew four letters could be such a complicated thing. Who knew that one small word could make everything better or worse. 

L-O-V-E

I'm still trying to figure out what it means to me. I thought I knew at one point. I thought I had it figured out...but then I watched others use it & now I wonder if I will ever truly know what it means to me. 

I used to love everything & everyone. I was angry at things but I never NOT loved them. When I was younger I used to believe that if I loved things I would be loved in return. I found out later that my childish thoughts were why I am hurt so bad now. That just because you love something never means that it will love you back because everything has a form of free will & nothing HAS to love you. Nothing HAS to give a damn about you at all. 

That's how I got hurt. That's how I became jaded by the smallest biggest four letter word out there. 

Love. 

So now...now I sit back & reevaluate it all, everything I have loved, everything I put myself into & I can't help but to wonder why I was so blindly stupid to believe a simple four letter word could make the world so much better if not everyone is using it like I think it should be used. Is there truly a right or wrong way to use it? I think there is...but I'm just one in many. Very small, just like this word. 

How do you figure it all out? Do you do what you think is right? Do you follow the people you have seen? Should I change my actions to get a different result even if it means hurting someone else in the process because of this damned word? Does that make me better or worse? Does that make me right or wrong?

Do I even matter out of many?

This four letter word seems so vast & every time I hear it I question it more & more but when I was younger I never would have. I would have known people have meant it to be a good thing, or maybe I just never noticed it to be a bad thing before because I was taught to see it as something wonderful by movies, or culture. When it comes in to play now, though, I stop & have to wonder why it hurts so much. How could something so beautiful hurt so very much. How could something that is meant to save, kill so many? 

All in all I don't think I will ever know, but I have learned that something ignorance is bliss & I miss the days where I could love without questioning it. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Relating

"I'm a lot better before you really know me." 

This quote goes with the photo above.

If you didn't something I enjoy quite a bit is Postsecret. Postsecret is a place where people can send in their deepest darkest secrets anonymously to one man & get a chance to see them at www.postsecret.com, if you don't see them there then you may see them in a later book that is published. If not, then you at least know your secret has gotten out there to someone with more secrets then you will ever know. 

The young lady in the secret here was in a Postsecret video that they did asking for secrets on Life, Death & God. Her secret is post under the photo. 

Needless to say I would have to say the same thing about myself. Not just because I want to be an emo bucket & steal a bit of attention, because every time someone gets to know me to an extent they seem to leave my side. I used to get a lot of attention because of my looks & my flirtatious personality it seems to have gotten me into a lot of trouble now-a-days. A lot more pain then anything. 

I'm not that smart. I'm average in smartness & it's something I hate admitting a lot of the time but it's something I know that is true about myself. I'm not book smart what so ever. I just don't take in information like most do. I struggled through school because of it. I struggle to this day with it & it kills my self esteem when i do think about it. A little, but still.

If you attack my looks then I am most likely going to shrug you off, but when it comes to my brain...I am liable to throw a punch. It's a sensitive subject to me, something I'm not sure I will ever cope with because it's a big thing that sets me & my friends apart from each other. 

Over all, I feel like it's because of this that people just lose interest in me. Because I'm not all I'm cracked up to be. I can kick a ball really far, make dirty jokes to get you interested, take a wonderful photograph, but that's about it. 

The only smart I am is street smart but a world like we have today that doesn't count for much unless you are on the streets. I'm not really sure how to change this. Books frustrate the hell out of me & I just don't have the time or energy to sit down & read for hours on end like others do which just frustrates me more. Yes, reading takes a lot of energy to me. It's not something that just comes to me like others. It's not something I REALLY enjoy like others. But anymore that's the only way to keep up with others. 

That or T.V. which I hate more then most things in the world. It's a time suck & a soul suck.

Over all I just wanted to rant I think about why I feel this way & share with the world this young lady in hopes that more can relate to her like I have & maybe share their stories to help themselves to get to a better mental place with it. I'm still trying to be more then a surface & I think I am but it seems what I think & what the world think are two different things.  

"Places everyone, this is a test
Throw your stones, do your damage
All the world is a judge
But that doesn't compare
To what I do to myself when you're not there
And if I had a dollar for every time
I repented the sin
And commit the same crime
I'd be sitting on top of the world"

I'm getting into this dip where I really want to post about things that are important to me. Things that I want to truly talk about. Things that matter quite a bit in my life or just to get personal things off my chest not just to talk about all the good things that are coming up in my life because that's not all that life is about & in order for me to change I need to work them out in my head, which is where this blog comes in. 

Expect more of me.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Those Damn Dirty Cylons

I know, one of the most annoying songs of ever & I have posted it on the top of one of my blog entries after not blogging for so long. This just happens to be the song that I woke up to at 3 in the morning after playing a game of Battle Star Galactic with loved ones. Not really sure what that says about me right now but it can only be good things, yes? Haha.

Yet again, alot has happened since I last posted. Moving is the biggest one. We are mostly settled physically in out new home, but mentally is still a bit of a challenge & getting ready for those three flights of stairs is never fun. Not that I can't do them easily but to get a work out in going to your own home can be a pain in the ass sometimes after a long days work. Thankfully I get a bit of a break right now after two or three months of working 40+hours a week. The checks are nice but the tiredness of it all isn't. I plan on enjoying my break & getting back on my feet in photography again as I have fallen crazy behind in that, sadly.

That's not what I'm here to talk about though. 

Needless to say after the truth came out about my ex-roommate to me I have been in a bit of angered fueled depression. It's made me really think about how the world really is & has changed my whole out look in humanity. After Girlfriend & I's house warming party today it's helped me refine it all a bit more to where I think it's sound~ish to talk about. 

After A-Kon I've stopped trusting pretty much anyone. I don't really talk to a lot of people besides girlfriend & I've been much more a hermit then anything else excepts for the occasional outing here of there but the social butterfly is on minimum requirement right now. Still not sure when that will change. 

If you have kept up with my postings you know that in The Good, The Bad, & The In-between I talked about what my ex-roommate did to me. If you haven't read it then you should read that before you read this one, other wise none of this will make much sense. Needless to say, after realizing what she had done my view on many things...changed. I'm not fond of people anymore, & I'm not much one for going out of my way to find new people to be around unless I HAVE TOO. Which is very odd for me. Usually I'm the first one to make a friend & the one that shows them around & shit. Nope, not anymore. I'm vary wary of people, which is against my Pisces nature & I haven't really gotten to talk to anyone about it because I don't feel I have a right to. Because of things that have happened in my past I don't talk about my problems with people anymore due to being told that people were "tired of hearing about them" or out right not talking to me anymore, or just telling me to shut up. People don't want to hear about your problems over all because they are too busy caring about their own problems I guess. That is another topic for another blog. 

Back to my jaded view of humanity.

I tend to give way more then I should to people, I don't mean physically, but mentally. I know many people don't know it because the mental things aren't physical & actions speak louder then words but...I do. I give way more chances then I ever should & I give most people a part of me that I don't intend on getting back from them when they leave, if they leave. It's just how I have always invested myself into other people. I think I have been hurt enough now to finally understand not to do that though which is upsetting in it's self. In order for me to stop doing something I have always done that means I have finally been hurt bad enough (or enough times by it) to change my actions. That also means I have been hurt badly enough, enough times, that I am reevaluating my actions. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again expecting different results. 

I'm still over all very angry about what happened, very hurt, & very confused. I'm still lost as to how someone could betray someone's trust like that. How they can lie to someone's face & then stab them in the back. I don't think I will ever understand it. I just won't. I can become more aware of it & less trusting of others because of it. 

Due to this happening though I feel like it's taking away one of my best qualities. My giving nature & my willingness to love no matter what. I even feel my loyalty slipping a bit but that is part of my trust issue at the moment. I just don't see a point in giving so much of myself when people aren't willing to see it & appreciate it for what it is. I just...don't. It's not something I can continue doing to myself. Which bothers me because I find it one of my best qualities. I show it through the text that I send out in the morning, or when I make an event & invite you to it, when I talk to you at all in any time of day. If I'm giving you the time of day, then I'm giving you a part of me. I'm still coping with it & figuring it all out to an extent.

I hate that I'm doing it but it's for my own sanity, to get back on my feet. My mental feet anyhow. I feel like I'm betraying myself a bit by doing this too. Going from the warm, loving, over caring nature of the Pisces to the more logical clod~ish side of the Aquarius.

I'm still taking this new change in mental state in as well. I'm looking at it wondering if I'm being over dramatic about it, or if I'm finally doing the right thing to make me more okay for the world when the world doesn't seem to care about making it's self okay for..anyone? I'm not quite sure if that's right but that's the feeling I get from it. 

Over all, these are the things that wake me up in the middle of the night to think about & blog about before I can go back to sleep. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~