I know, one of the most annoying songs of ever & I have posted it on the top of one of my blog entries after not blogging for so long. This just happens to be the song that I woke up to at 3 in the morning after playing a game of Battle Star Galactic with loved ones. Not really sure what that says about me right now but it can only be good things, yes? Haha.
Yet again, alot has happened since I last posted. Moving is the biggest one. We are mostly settled physically in out new home, but mentally is still a bit of a challenge & getting ready for those three flights of stairs is never fun. Not that I can't do them easily but to get a work out in going to your own home can be a pain in the ass sometimes after a long days work. Thankfully I get a bit of a break right now after two or three months of working 40+hours a week. The checks are nice but the tiredness of it all isn't. I plan on enjoying my break & getting back on my feet in photography again as I have fallen crazy behind in that, sadly.
That's not what I'm here to talk about though.
Needless to say after the truth came out about my ex-roommate to me I have been in a bit of angered fueled depression. It's made me really think about how the world really is & has changed my whole out look in humanity. After Girlfriend & I's house warming party today it's helped me refine it all a bit more to where I think it's sound~ish to talk about.
After A-Kon I've stopped trusting pretty much anyone. I don't really talk to a lot of people besides girlfriend & I've been much more a hermit then anything else excepts for the occasional outing here of there but the social butterfly is on minimum requirement right now. Still not sure when that will change.
If you have kept up with my postings you know that in The Good, The Bad, & The In-between I talked about what my ex-roommate did to me. If you haven't read it then you should read that before you read this one, other wise none of this will make much sense. Needless to say, after realizing what she had done my view on many things...changed. I'm not fond of people anymore, & I'm not much one for going out of my way to find new people to be around unless I HAVE TOO. Which is very odd for me. Usually I'm the first one to make a friend & the one that shows them around & shit. Nope, not anymore. I'm vary wary of people, which is against my Pisces nature & I haven't really gotten to talk to anyone about it because I don't feel I have a right to. Because of things that have happened in my past I don't talk about my problems with people anymore due to being told that people were "tired of hearing about them" or out right not talking to me anymore, or just telling me to shut up. People don't want to hear about your problems over all because they are too busy caring about their own problems I guess. That is another topic for another blog.
Back to my jaded view of humanity.
I tend to give way more then I should to people, I don't mean physically, but mentally. I know many people don't know it because the mental things aren't physical & actions speak louder then words but...I do. I give way more chances then I ever should & I give most people a part of me that I don't intend on getting back from them when they leave, if they leave. It's just how I have always invested myself into other people. I think I have been hurt enough now to finally understand not to do that though which is upsetting in it's self. In order for me to stop doing something I have always done that means I have finally been hurt bad enough (or enough times by it) to change my actions. That also means I have been hurt badly enough, enough times, that I am reevaluating my actions.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over again expecting different results.
I'm still over all very angry about what happened, very hurt, & very confused. I'm still lost as to how someone could betray someone's trust like that. How they can lie to someone's face & then stab them in the back. I don't think I will ever understand it. I just won't. I can become more aware of it & less trusting of others because of it.
Due to this happening though I feel like it's taking away one of my best qualities. My giving nature & my willingness to love no matter what. I even feel my loyalty slipping a bit but that is part of my trust issue at the moment. I just don't see a point in giving so much of myself when people aren't willing to see it & appreciate it for what it is. I just...don't. It's not something I can continue doing to myself. Which bothers me because I find it one of my best qualities. I show it through the text that I send out in the morning, or when I make an event & invite you to it, when I talk to you at all in any time of day. If I'm giving you the time of day, then I'm giving you a part of me. I'm still coping with it & figuring it all out to an extent.
I hate that I'm doing it but it's for my own sanity, to get back on my feet. My mental feet anyhow. I feel like I'm betraying myself a bit by doing this too. Going from the warm, loving, over caring nature of the Pisces to the more logical clod~ish side of the Aquarius.
I'm still taking this new change in mental state in as well. I'm looking at it wondering if I'm being over dramatic about it, or if I'm finally doing the right thing to make me more okay for the world when the world doesn't seem to care about making it's self okay for..anyone? I'm not quite sure if that's right but that's the feeling I get from it.
Over all, these are the things that wake me up in the middle of the night to think about & blog about before I can go back to sleep.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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