That's right, I did it. Yesterday I wrote my first forgiveness letter of the year, the hardest one too because you always get the hard ones out of the way first. I think though in preparing for it that it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was hard reliving it though. Writing down what happened, letting myself feel all of those emotions again & dealing with them in a heather way then I had before.
Before I had just pushed them deep down & ignored them because I didn't know what else to do with them. After all these years I have learned better ways to deal with things. So to let all the puss & gunk that was in it out I had to reopen the wound so it could heal properly this time, just leaving a scar behind.
I did it. I let myself feel it without holding back. I didn't skip details. I thought about every word I wrote down & made sure that it was true to what happened in my mind, from what I could remember of what happened 3 years ago, so not to betray myself or my deity.
I feel a crazy amount better now. I can still feel the wound there, but it's not something that is infecting me anymore. It's just something that happened in the past to make me who I am. I can either let it continue to effect me in a negative fashion, or I can move on with my head held high.
I am not afraid & this issue doesn't control me anymore.
I don't even have the immense urge to talk to this person for closure anymore because of writing that letter. I'm still curious as to why they say the things they say about me but it's no longer something that... plagues me. I can breath for the first time in a long time.
It still hurts, just like any deep wound does & it will never stop hurting to some extent, but it won't control me anymore. It will no longer take up such a large portion of my life because it's just....not worth it any more.
I will be 21 in less then 10 days & I can't have my past holding me back anymore. Not for what I am about to get into to make my future what I want it to be. People can say what they want about me, judge me, take jabs at me, anything else negative that they want but I won't let that change me or where I want to go. I won't let it rule my life as it has in the past. I know I am better then that, the people that matter know I am better then that, & the people that will matter will come to me in time. But other wise you have no effect one me, because I won't give it to you anymore.
I wish them well in all that they do & will do. I send my blessing for them to take or not.
Do unto others as you would wish them to do unto you.
It's hard to be mad when you are this happy anyways. Because after I wrote this letter I came up with a project that could get me where I've always wanted to be in the photography world. It has given me something to work to that can make such a positive effect on the world that it makes me skin crawl with glee.
I have decided Relic Photography as my business name & I may be brainstorming a tagline but the winner right now is "Capture the moment, you'll never get it back." I will be making cards as soon as I can get what I need for there to be the photo I want on the card. I'm looking into completions, letuers, workshops, exhibits, shows (venues), & so on in the are to get my name out there in the photography world. My Etsy shop should be up by the end of march. -Fingers crossed- I will be meeting with someone to build us a website for me as soon as we both have time to do so.
My world is shaping up to exactly what I want it to be. I'm getting somewhere for the first time in my life, & I have goals in my sight that I can see what to do to get them in reach. Everything is looking so hopeful, so wondrous. There is more of a smile on my face then there is a frown. There is more happy in my life then there is anger.
I'm not angry.
Oh man...I'm not angry.
This is part of the reason I am not going to write another letter on her to this person. This was something personal to do for me & though it involved them at one time it doesn't anymore. It hasn't for a very long time & I'm just figured it out yesterday. From what I understand, in their eyes they don't need forgiveness. Thy don't feel that they have done anything wrong. So putting something out there like that for them to find would be fuel for more drama then was needed before. It's just not worth it. It's a way for them to hurt me in new ways after finally healing the old wounds.
I won't allow that to happen because that doesn't make sense to do that to one's self.
I know that I have done it though & that's all that matters now.
I am happy. That's what matters now.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
