...For the longest time I have been avoiding this but I think it's time I finally say the things I've wanted to say for so long but thought it was wrong for me to say because I didn't have the right to. I have figuered out though that I have just as much right as anyone else. It has taken so long to figure it out but...I have & damnit I 'm going to say what I need to now cause the only person I am hurting by not saying it...Is me.
I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being scared every time I do something in case I anger someone else. I'm tried of thinking that everything I do will cause someone harm because of the past. The past is in the past & there is nothing I can do to change it now. So it's time I let it lay there in piece for the first time ever. Now I know that it will always bother me somehow & I have learned from it, but perhaps it won't bother me as much.
Katie Dolton. The first women who got a hold of mt heart after everything that had happened. I loved her so much. I changed everything for her. Mostly my way of life & god was she worth it. I was so happy...I lost her. After that nothing was ever the same. Then we found each other here. I still had that ring. I still loved her with all of my heart. But I had forgotten so much in the time from then to now. I had gone back to dealing with my emotions at the end of a needle & doing the stupidest things to make sure everyone was amused without a care in the world.
Was it right? No.
Was I thinking? No.
Did I hurt her because of what I did? Yes.
Did I do it on purpose? God no...
I would have died for that girl. I would have done anything in my power to make her happy if someone had just talked to me. If someone would have just given me the time of day. If she had just told me what she was feeling...what she had going on inside her mind.
But I wasn't worth that...I apparently wasn't worth alot of things as people blamed me for everything that had happened & left my side one by one. But it was in a mass group rather then a piece at a time. Telling me how my actions caused her to go to a mental instaute. How I made her so depressed she wanted death.
Did anyone consider my side of the story? I want to say no but it's hard to tell.
I was going through so many withdraws that all I remember is the pain of being alone & wondering how it had come to this again. What I had done that was so horrible that I was left to rot once more.
Did anyone know that I was close to death myself? Did anyone care? The only thing that stopped me was my Dear Sweet Baby Girl Emma Rose Cullen walking by my door to make me realize I wasn't alone, though I felt so much like it as a shook by myself while throwing up day after day. I was hurt, angry, upset & no one to catch me this time but the site of something that was partly me. I owe her so much for that.
If I had done what I was going to do that night I would not be married to the most wonderful women in the world. I would not have more children then I can count or get to see any of them grow any. I would not have been able to do anything I have from then to now & I would have hurt so many more in the procces.
I didn't whore myself back then because Katie wasn't good enough. I did it to keep food on the table & a roof over our head so she didn't have to worry about it. I had rules & it was nothing I was proud of. But it was steady work with good pay & with a baby on the way we needed it. I was ashamed to ask her to get a job to help so I didn't have to do that because it was so looked down upon for women to do that which meant they would get shit about their husbands not being good enough & what a louse pick made. I wouldn't put her through that...& I don't think I could of handled being looked down on like that.
But she never told me she wanted to work either or that she didn't mind. She kept her mouth shut as well & I know she has her reasons just like I had mine but everyone has listened to her's where I was just blamed for her state. What made that okay without getting my side of the story huh? What gave anyone the right to throw me under the fucking bus with only one fucking side?
This wasn't fair.
I know life isn't fair but I personally think this was way to one sided to even say that to.
I've gone over the situation many times & I know where I made the first mistake, trusting Elaina to keep her mouth shut. I told her I had whored myself & when I got to talk to Katie again one on one I was going to tell her & talk to her about it myself because I knew our marriage was rocky at that point. She promised me she wouldn't tell but I guess promises never meant anything to her because she told Katie that day they all went to six flags for Katy Perry.
It was all down hill from there.
The divorce papers came...
& the next person I talked to was Justice. I still have the log where he told me what had happened. How he explained to me that Katie wanted to kill herself & was now with Dillion, not only seemed to betray me but his wife's dear sister Carolina. I can see the man I had put so much faith & love in beaming over how he was hurting me at the time & it still somewhat makes me sick but I try not to think about it. As far as I know doesn't remember doing this either, which I'm not sure weather it's better or worse.
I'm not sure what was worse, losing Katie & being blamed for all her problems or the man that had always promised to be there. That my foundess memory as a child was dressing in women's clothing & putting on make. Going up to him & telling him I was going to be his wife when I got older. I was silly, young, & foolish but the memory is cute & held truth at the time.
I've never been one to do emotions half ass after all. You either have my heart or you don't.
Sear, Nick, & Spider never contacted me besides by the picture that was sent to us of me & Katie with many angry writings on it from most everyone about what I did to her.
Garrick was another one that was hard though somewhat more expected. "I do not consider you a student of mine anymore." After doing so much to get where I wanted to be. I righted that though. So it's not as be as a let down as it could have been through the years.
After so many nights of them all gone I hear that it is my fault that Katie had HIV.
I think this was the last straw for me. I just finally stopped caring. I considered our "friendship" gone & nothing left to be salvaged from anything we had before. How does one blame someone for giving them something they don't have?
I just stopped.
I left it all behind though it was still with me to some extent. I don't think I stopped loving her until recently to be honest. But I don't have the time to waist on the thoughts anymore. It's over & done.
End of story.
I will never forget it but I don't have to keep a constant reminder of it around in my thoughts.
This is my good bye to it.
To the anger, to the pain, & to the constant memory.
Let go.
~Krade D. Cullen~
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