Know How Long

Recently I have been thinking quite a lot. Probably more then I ever should think but it's something that has been meaning to happen with everything that has been going on in my life. Honestly, I have been going through it just as I needed to at the time. Putting just the minimum amount of thought into the procces as I can because it seemed to taxing to do anything else then that. I know I have been lacking here though. I think it all started when I was blind sided by the eviction from my house that I had been in since I was 13. 

I had been expecting the notice for god knows how long just because the shape the house was in & how my mother always seemed to be behind, but when it stared me in the face it was a whole knew story. Suddenly my world was not so simple anymore. It wasn't just "go to school, work, & survive when you got home." it turned it to just "survive" because that day when my mother screamed at me how she just "couldn't do it anymore" trying to blame it on my again was a major wake up call for me. "Get out."

I knew it was time I did this right. I couldn't handle taking care of her anymore. She is my mother after all not my child. As I have been saying for the last, Ra knows how long, "If I wanted a kid I would have had one damnit." But I haven't. I've wanted nothing more then to live & have fun in my youth. I've never wanted kids as I grew up. I would still like a younger sibling but it seems that I have obtained that over the past few months & man do I love that girl, she called me sissy too which just made my heart weak. Over all though that is what this move has been about.

When I was 18 I believe that I made a long term agenda goal chart & I think I still have it somewhere though I would have to hunt for it. I do remember that the first one was "Have my own place by 20." I am starting to think that that list was more magic then I had thought it would be. I am overly glad though. It is time for me to get out of there after all. I am 20. Have had a stable job for 4 years, going on 5. Have gone to college with my own money working my way through the system by myself because my mother has no idea how. I have made my own way with little of her help though I can't say that for others. She has been an emotional inhibitory for me for years & you have no idea how good it feels to be free of that. To know that I don't have to come home because someone is holding something over my head to make me but because I want to. Cause it is home for me. Not something I have to do just be okay. I will be on my own with nothing holding me back. 

I've never felt more free. 

But at the same time it has taken another toll on me that I can't help but be mad at her for. I'm not going to be able to go to school this semester. I do know that this is my choice & shouldn't have animosity towards her but I can't help it. If she had her shit together for the last god knows how long then maybe I would be where everyone else is, or what it seems most are. Off at a big college where I have a full ride scholarship in soccer studying photography as my major, going to England next semester. I would have an Ipod, or nook, or new laptop, or all the gaming systems that I want along with the games. You have no idea how much it bothers me to know that if she just had her shit together then I could be somewhere else in the world right now. If she would have followed the agreement to take care of me when she signed my papers when adopting me then I could be somewhere different. But I'm not. 

I know it is not all her fault, cause it takes two to tango...but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or bother me to no end. I can explain to no one how angry it makes me when they are like "LOOK LOOK LOOK" & I'm like. "That's nice. Now if you excuse me I have to go work my ass off to live. You mind?" It makes me want to scream. I have had to change my major because of my mother because Photography will not pay the bills until much later in life & I just can't afford it right now. I need something quick & easy to get me going to get to my dream. But I have to ask why? Why is it that so many others are blessed with so much when it always feels like I'm doing good if I can keep my head above water? I will never understand what I did wrong.

On the other side of this I will use all of this rage to fuel me to get where she never will be. As if to prove that though she has lost I can still win & maybe give her some joy in the process to know she has not completely fucked me up. I will go about life the best I can with nothing holding me back. I will take it one step at a time & live every moment like I don't have another. I will do everything I can to get what I can out of this life & hope I have learned what I needed to to get to the next one. 

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I have a roar that will knock you over & I plan on using it for the first time in a very, very long time.

Which brings me to the next part of this little rant...since when was it okay for people to try & manipulate others to get what they thought was right out of a situation?

If it's not your situation the stay the hell out of it. Be there if someone needs you to be to listen but only give advice if asked, in my opinion. I don't rant to people to get advice cause I most likely have already thought of that advice myself, I go to people so they can see that I am frustrated with something & make me laugh about it. I will ask for your advice if I am desparet enough but others wise I just need to get things off my chest so that I don't explode. I mainly talk to get my emotions out, not to be met with "Well do this this & this." That just tells me you want me to shut the hell up. IT's frustrating.

Also, if you don't like something that someone is doing then you are more then welcome to tell them but honestly I don't believe it is your place to try & maneuver the situation so that it boils down to what you want. I am a capable dacision maker so why the hell did people go behind my back to try & get someone else to stop what they were doing to make me "chose." Pardon the rudeness but...YOU FUCKING DON'T. I don't need any help from anyone else & neither do the people I am involved with. If I want to have sex with one person while dating another then there is nothing wrong with that & if you have a moral problem with it then you can sure let me know, just know that it doesn't matter to me.

My morals & everyone else morals are very different but they are mine & seeing how it didn't involve anyone who was interfering then they should keep their noses out of it. I'm not going to go behind your back to fuck with your life so why would you do that to me. If you are making a mistake like I think you are you will either learn from it or not without my help. Everyone grows at their own rate. I also know that people will have a moral problem with the stance I am taking right now. BUt it causes so much less drama to stay out of the middle of shit that does not involve you then in the middle of it. Getting in the middle of things causes many many problems & that I just don't need. If people need me or want me to get in the middle of it they are more then welcome to ask me to other wise I am out of it. 

I know what is mine & what is yours & this is where I will stand. 

~Cyran J. Harrington.~