The Little Things

These are sometimes so hard to remember when in hard times, I do my best though because the little things are what get me by. 

I have been crazy busy with my photography, mostly editing & getting things better organized from my past self along with editing new things to get up for the viewing pleasure of many. I honestly forgot how good it felt to be behind the lens of a camera again. To capture that one moment that is happening then so that others can remember it forever. Oh man, oh man... But there is something I have noticed behind my lens, I only have two real talents, kicking a ball really far (Because I have 13 years of experience with that) & taking a hell of a good photo. This displeases me more then you know. I watch everyone else do all the crazy things up on Open Stage while all I feel I can do is take a good shot of what is happening.

It just doesn't feel right. 

I want to do more then be in the back ground. I want to KNOW more then that. I want to speak a word that moves someone. i want to dance to music & show the world a different kind of reality even if it is just for 3 short minutes. I want out of this shell I have so comfortably put myself because I know I am better then this & it's about damn time I showed the world that I am. 

In the past couple months I have done some serious evaluating of my life. Going over what I want, what I don't want, what I would like to work on, how to go about it, etc. Over all I have found that I am displeased with a lot of things. I'm not really liking where I am because I feel so...small. Is the best way to put it. I have changed so much over the year & where there is a huge part of me that is better for it, there is a whole part of me that most don't get to see anymore that, I feel, is the better part of me. There are friendship in my life that just need to not be there anymore. As much as I care about the people I feel like these relationships are unhealthy for me & over all pulling me down.

A bird can't fly if it's weighted down.

So what actions am I taking to fix this new found problem, you may ask? Simple, I am branching out. 

First & for most I am learning (with the help of some friends) how to move my body in the way I watch in owe of other's moving their's. I am learning how to make simple moments look extravagant with that help of simple tools. I am learning how to hula hoop. I am learning how to flag. I am learning poi. After that I will perfect my juggling, along with contact juggling. I am going to get Girlfriend to teach me guitar when she decides that she has time. I am also going to read (or reread, depending) some books to get together a monologue to perform to work on the different sides of myself. (I'm really learning towards doing something from Fight Club right now because I am already so familiar with it.) There is a store from high school I wish to go over to make it longer, more detailed. A bit of a short story actually.

Once I feel like I am good enough for these things I will get my happy ass up on stage & blow people away along with myself. 

Before that though I will stay to the shadows, & watch, catching moments that will never come again for that person so that the photo I take may always bring a smile to their faces. I love making people smile after all.

I am not going to be quitting photography again though, just adding more skills to my set that is lacking them. In fact my photography is going swimmingly. In the past 2 months I have most likely made a good 200 off my photography & plan to continue this trend for years to come, increasing as I go along of course. I am getting business cards this Sat, I have an official Facebook page along with an Etsy shop. I have even been keeping up with things on my deviantART. Then there is also a tumblr page just for my art. It all seems like it's slowly but surely coming to together. I am making connections, getting my name out there & have amazing people willing to support me. Hopefully I won't go crazy with my own thoughts of doubt & worry. 

Money is still pretty tight for me, even with the extra cash from my dream job. I know it's because I am doing a lot of saving for the week long cruise in October but it's still rather killing me emotionally more then anything. I have panic attacks again, I tend to be rather touchy when it comes to anything, I'm getting more & more anxious & angry over small things (small things that are big in my world but not anyone else's but still...). I do my best every day to keep myself in check which, I feel, is also taking a toll on me. Since the Girlfriend has been rather out of it lately I have kept it all kind of tucked away because I needed to hold her up, because I am a rock. I just hope I can keep doing it on my own. Monday nights make me smile & that helps me through the weeks a lot more then I think anyone knows. I also think a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been with my photography too. I literally wake up editing & go to sleep editing with little to no time for much else. Now that I am getting caught up in in though (getting everything I want up on Etsy while reediting most of everything) I feel like I will have more time for everything else after that.

Baby steps. Breathing is the number one priority, while everything else follows. It is nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel though. 

This weekend I have Scarbi on Sat, then a family shoot on Sunday, a friend wants me to do a shoot with her Monday & then Open Stage is on Monday. This next week will be beyond interesting when it comes to my photography work.

In the less good news of my personal work, my Nikon D40, that I have had since Sophomore year of high school, is finally biting it. The series of camera is no longer made anyhow so either way it is bound to happen sooner or later. (Just wish it had been later) On top of that my computer that I have had since my 17th birthday is finally biting it as well. Sometime next week I plan on looking around more intensely on prices of these two along with quality. If I am lucky I will find a computer with a payment plan I can get on & a DSLR camera that is used but not out of my price range. Before I consider what camera I get though i will be looking at all of the specs & going around to local stores along with researching online about what is what to make sure i am getting EXACTLY what I want. When it comes to me tool of trade I will not fuck around. I'm hoping by the end of the year (if I keep saving like I am) I will be back on track with everything I need for my trade (Even some pretty new lenses.)

I do have some very exciting news besides my Photography happenings, I got the summer camp counlser job for the YMCA. This has me thrilled. I will be working full time all summer long with kids. (You have no idea how much those kids brighten my day but that doesn't mean I want one) Also, my site director has just put in her weeks notice after finding another job. By next year I may actually be the Site Director at Allen Elementary in Frisco making a good portion more then what I am making right now. 

I. Am. So. Excited. 

We will see though. If it does happen there is going to be a lot of changes at the site & some of the kids may not like it & act out about it but we will be sure to have fun because that's what they should be having. 

Another exciting news is that I may have found a soccer team for my age group to play on. It's a little pricey but over all, I think it will be well worth is. I am still waiting for more details on the tryouts & all that jazz but once I know I am sure to post something. This was the high light of my day today when i got this email for a meetup group. I am crossing my fingers & if things go my way I will be picking up where I left off by June 8th.

A-kon is just around the river bend as well, I'm hoping to pull together SOMETHING cosplay wise at the sorta last minute. One of the I already have & the other I want to do shouldn't be to hard to scramble together if AT&T doesn't take all my money away. Ugh I'm getting tired of them. I have not gotten a bill yet that I haven't had to call them about. Annoying. As. Hell.

In June & July I will be writing more forgiveness letters as much as i don't actually want to but I need to. It's going to get me to the next step in life. If I have the time I may actually do one on Mother's Day, depending on how busy I am with everything else. 

Over all, I am doing my best to remember that the little things are the things that matter the most. My loyalty, my honestly, the little furriers in my life, the roof over my head, the job I love, the girl I wake up next to everyday & come home to, the camera that's getting me started & the friends that I helping me through it all while walking with me. 

The little things will get me by. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~