Before I get to the gut of things I wanted to let everyone know that my mother is somewhere safe for the time being & has not actually done what she was planning to (thank the asnestors.) I appreciate all of your concerns & well wishes, along with any of you who payed for her. It means the world.
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It's the new year for me. Samhain has come & gone & both of the ritual's that I was a part of were great. The private one again was more for my girlfriend then I but I took advantage of it none the less. Why let a good thing go to waist, ey? I wrote what I needed to down & burn what I felt I needed but over all, I had a very hard time finding anything to write down. It's not because I am content with what I have but none of it seemed like it needed burned away, or disposed of. Perhaps am not ready to get rid of what I truly need to yet, or I have not realized that I need to get rid of it yet. But I did find somethings, & they were things that needed to be gone though I don't believe they truly are "gone". The fates like to throw me curve balls just when I think I am over something, lets just wait & see.
The ritual I did with my kindred was nice but awkward for me. As many of you know I am adopted so I do not know my blood kin well, nor do I know my adopted kin, nor do I have many that I know have died before me or that I was close to. So being part of an ancestor ritual for heathen faith is always...a bit hard for me. It does not give me warm fuzzys like it does everyone else. It gives me a sense of displacement & out of the loop-ness. (It's not something I truly enjoy feeling either but it's not something I can complain about.) The kindred mother did suggest that ancestors did not have to be dead relatives but pets too & to bring Sage's collar along to put on the alter. (For those of you who don't/didn't know Sage, he was my very loved Ferret who died not too long ago.) So I did because it was the only thing I had & who would have known that his energy was still so strongly on that collar. He lived so much that is' hard for me still to believe he is just gone. I almost broke down while have to put it on the alter seeing how my girlfriend carried it there before that for me. (Ra I love that girl)
Though Sage's collar was a shock I think the blessings is what is going to get me through this next year, what I will hold close to me to see what I get next go around with my ancestors. I do not know if our Horn Maiden had a hard time with me or not (It seemed like she did from the pause) she blessed me with what joys that my ancestors will be bringing me this next year. I also wondered if she was tapping into my adopted family, or my blood family...either way to know joy is coming to me is a bit of a relief at the moment.
Before I say my final good-byes to the last year I would like to do a recap of it, for myself more then you readers.
I was cut out of a dear friends life.
I found a new friend that helped me through alot.
I had the best birthday of my life yet.
Because of new friend I was reconnected with the girl that I couldn't let go of.
I got the friend I had lost back.
I decide to move out of my house/got evicted.
I have gotten back into photography.
I got back with the girl who broke my heart 3 years ago.
I have a kin.
I will be a Rune's Master of my kindred.
My cat of 15 years died.
My ferret of less that one year died.
My grandmother died.
I moved into my first apt.
I worked at a haunted house.
I feel like this year has been very eventful for me. I think all in all it has turned out good for me with hiccups of bad but I think it's time to leave this behind & learn from all of these things. Take in what I can while I can & then chug along.
So goodbye old year, hello new!
Now for the agenda for this brand new year. I want to put expectations on it like I never have before. I want to grow more then I ever have & it's going to start right now.
Lately I have honestly felt like a bump on a log. There's not real point for me to be there other then to give the log "character." Well, I'm getting pretty bored of that & it's time for me to grow into a log myself. (Worst metaphor in the world I know.)
The first change I will be making is my thought process. I don't know when it started but I went from thinking that I can to I THINK I can which is ridiculous in my book. I know I can do anything I set me mind to now it's just over coming the challenges in my way & half of those aren't challenges that other people have put there it's challenges I am putting there because of my personal insecurities. I do have the opinion that the insecurities are brought upon by others but that's still no reason to let them get in my way.
I used to say: I am a bundle of insecurities brought about by the happenings of others to this individual.
Now it will be: I am the one who has concored that bundle of insecurities that others have happened onto me.
That's is how I am trying to look at this year. Last year was a year of change & this year will be too but in a very different way. Last year was more inner change now it's time I change my surroundings.
My job has cut my hours to next to nothing. People who have been there way less time them be are getting more hours then I am when I have all my bills to play & they have mommy & daddy to help them out. So one of the first things on my agenda is to get a new job...or two. If I have to I may end up with three depending on how my luck goes. I'm hoping like hell I get get I good paying job that works me 40 hours a week from 9-5 or something like that. I'm getting really tired of not knowing when I will work until that week comes up to be honest. I'm at a point in my life where nothing has been stable for me so I don't see it unreasonable to ask for a but of stability in one part of my life at least, because I doubt I will have it in my home life for quite a long time.
But change is the only stable thing int he world so we will see what I can get myself & where life wants me honestly.
In February I will not only be turning 21 (W00T W00T ONLY 4 MONTHS) I will also be moving again much to my not wanting to, but it doesn't seem I get a say in the matter. My other two roommates are already looking into places with one of the roommate S.O. (significant other) without even telling me. I have two options open to me so far depending on how things go. Maybe even three if I get this one job I REALLY REALLY want for the reasons I posted above.
One option I have is my & Girlfriend moving in with each other, which I know alot of you will probably be like "SO SOON?!" Yes. So soon we are already talking about it. I think we both wanted to wait a bit longer but honestly, with how much I am here now I might as well be living with her already. We work well together under the same roof & have a system worked out already. We enjoy each other a great deal & home life together I don't think would be do bad if we continue how we are. So this is an option.
A second option is moving in with my good friend Olivia (Or Tarot Girl. I think I like that name for her better actually.) We have lived together before & can put up with each other's crap as much as I think we hate to admit it. She also gets along with my girlfriend so it wouldn't matter how much she was over. (Like it shouldn't matter) We work well together, apart, & in alot of other ways. We get along great & if we have problems with each other we just yell at each other & get over them. It's a nice system. So really like this option & glad to say it is one for the time being.
The third & last option I have at the moment is only if I get the call center job out in Lewisville. I could maybe move in with two people that will most likely be looking for a new roommate anytime now (or just one of them if I can get away with it.) I don't know her well but seeing how all I have to do is survive it I don't think this will be to big of an issue. Again, it all depends on how things go job wise.
A part of me is relived about having to move out from the roommates that I have right now just because of the idiotic complications that have come up (or expert lack of communication) & the other part is dreading it just because of the mad scramble I will have to do once again. I also find it stressful that I am the one being left out. I can understand why to a certain extent but on the other hand it royoaly pisses me off. They both have places to go if things don't work out for them somehow. No, it's not ideal for either of them but it's a roof over your head until something else comes along. I don't & I'm not saying that is their problem, but I feel it should be taken into consideration. The other part of this that is beyond annoying is that with them ganging up together it makes me feel like I was the one who did everything wrong when it takes two to tango. That may be those nasty insecurities barging back in but I find it to be a valid point especially when when everyone but me knows that they are looking for new places. Anyways.
I'm not sure what I will do with school this year. I want to go back to desparetly because the longer I am out the more I feel like I am falling behind in something. (In what I'm really not sure but I;m falling behind.) I at east want to take one simple class, one class of my core may be all I can do for a while but I'm trying to make myself believe it's better then nothing. It makes me feel like I am getting somewhere, but I still have to go talk to someone about it & figure out what I have left compared to everything else. I really haven't gone & talked to an adviser for long periods of time like the reccomend. But alot of them are rather rude or don't seem to care about helping the student what they need at all. Or they plan out tell you they have no idea about something which makes me have so much confidences in them. None-the-less though, I plan on going up there sometime to spend a good amount of time to try & figure out what all I need to do still & in how much time. I need to know these things so I can plan everything else accordingly.
Photography is...well I have a photo shoot of a friend's cosplay Friday sometime after 4:30 & the last time we did this his came out the best from the two or three people I did a shoot for. I enjoy his company a great deal as well. We get along great & have alot in common. Our personalities are really similar in a very different way too. It's nice. Over all my goal for photography is to actually get out there & start taking picture on a regular basis again. At least once a week, of anything. I may even take a walk around where ever I am just for the hell of it to get me back in the swing of things. I've been out of it for so long now that I have been forgetting my camera at time when I need it the most. I was quite disappointed in myself at that time. I have found my stepping stone though, I want to start a business with it at first! My kindred Mother mentioned it to me & it's still a while down the road but it's something to work for, I am going to get together a local portrait studio that is LGBT friendly! This not only allows me to do something I love but also allows me to get to know the people a community I am a part of more. The other stepping stone is to do cosplay photography at conventions where Girlfriend will take it into photoshop to "paint it" for them before printing it to give them! It makes me feel good to have a goal for this part of my life after feeling like I had lost all the passion for it!
I plan on getting more into the magical part of my life because I have just been going with what I feel I know of it. I want to learn more of the ritual side of it. I believe in magic after all & I should be using it to aid me in life instead of assuming I can do it all myself with no help. There is no point for me to do things by myself if I don't have to & the more reinforcement I have the better at this point. I have felt the closet to the gods & goddess more then I ever have in the past. When it comes to my Heathen path I tend to ask Odin for help, or protection a great deal & his pets happen to be Raven's. Two of them if you wish to get specific I don't know how many days in a row it has been now but every day there has been one or two raven's that come by me at once. It's comforting to know I can rely on something like that to answer me & make me feel safe when nothing else does. I know Ra (My patron god) has been waiting for this time as well & that he could not be the one to whip what little doubts I had in me away. I needed more then just him to reinforce my beliefs.
This next year I will complete becoming a Rune master for my kindred. I will find a circle that has the Egyptian deities as their patron's mainly, because I want to get more into those traditions. Candle magic has been calling me more then anything right after runes. (I am a fire element after all) Over all I want to become a physical high priest to Ra. I have been there spiritually but not mentally or physically. This has been what I have wanted for quite sometime now so it's about time I start actually seeking it out. I'm done waiting for things to happen like I have done for some long. I'm going to make them happen finally. The other two things I want to do with the spiritual part of my life is actually learn new age stone work, & how to master all the elements. These last two things I feel are more of something I will do personally rather then with a teacher.
I actually started all of this spiritual journey off today when I took two runes into my life by reading about them to prep a class I am teaching on them next Wendsday. Nervous is putting it lightly as to how I am feeling about this. I hate getting up in front of groups of people & talking about... intelligent things because I don't find myself intelligent enough to do so because of things in my past. So I will fix this problem by doing exactly what I don't want to do. In order to overcome something you must face it after all. The other big part of this is that I hate being judged, which is why I do my best not to do it to anyone else I see/know/knew. Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do & I have no right to judge them for it. I do have a right to form my own opinion about things, but to me that isn't a judgement to me.
Over all, I have alot planned for this year & by golly I will get it all done if it kills me! It will be the year of learning or making my brain grow, & environmental change around me.
It's time for another new people. If you don't like it then I don't need you here.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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