I know it's not like me to post twice in matter of days but this one thing, this one particular thing that happened last night has got me caught up in all sorts of feels that I am curious to share with others & get feed back from. If I don't get feed back though, at least it will be out of my system.
Last night I did something stupid, I went to see if my girlfriend's ex had posted anything about us going to the art caution this Friday night for the Vagina Monologs, as predictable as ever, they had. So I read just to see what to expect when going because I hate drama & go out of my way to avoid it, so if I could get any pretenses of what to be ready for then there would be a way to avoid the drama.
I now know that the WHOLE cast & crew of the V-Monologs dislike me/hate me without getting my side of the story, have most likely threatened me behind my back without knowing me, think that I am trash, & think that I am an abuser to/of people. Oh, & that we are coming to ruin the show for them.
1) We are going to go & donate art to support the cause of abused women everywhere so that the violence will stop. Us going has nothing to do with us wanting to ruin anything at all, we just want to help others that can't be helped like we have been helped before. How does that come back to us wanting to start drama or steal the show?
2) If you really only want to hear it from one side of the story then that's fine, but please understand that there is always two sides to everything. I also understand that I have never tried to hear that person's side of the story either but from what happened last time I am not willing to put myself in any potions again for them to get near me in anyway. It's not worth the risk, since I have decided this then I can understand why other's would do this to me as well.
3) The time that they were close to me I can understand why it would come off this way. I had alot of emotional things wrong with me along with alot of personal things & I'm not going to sit here & say I was right but once looking at everything now I see why I did most of what I did. I still think trash is a bit harsh for someone you only know through stories, but to each their own.
4) I am guilty of ranting about them to my group of main support but none of them have EVER threatened them no matter how much I was hurting or said things. HELL they have gotten onto me because of things I would say. It once again shows me the kind of company one keeps really shows who they are. Or however that quote works.
5) This is the one that bothers me the most. That they all think I am an abuser of some sort, & how it was referenced in the sentence I feel that it is safe to assume that it I was an abuser of women/peoples. This is what upset me the most. I find that this per judgement is harsh & false after being emotionally abused by my mother for so long. I have gone over everything that I have remembered & tried to figure out how this person could come to this conclusion as well as spread it all around. Perhaps I am missing something but I just can't. I say truthful harsh things because I am a blunt person & honestly is my policy. I have also worked very hard to break the cycle of abuse that my mother pushed onto me & have done a damn good job of it if I do say so myself. If anything I find it to be abusive to go around telling people I abuse people.
I would honestly like to know though, how I have abused them. How running out on two dear friends to rescues them was being abusive? How was it abusive to them when they had a large fight with their girlfriend at the time & texted me for help starting with "I know I have no right to ask this of you..." so I left my event to help. How was that abusive? Or staying on the phone with them all night to try & work out our problems? How? I just don't see it. I don't understand it.
They tagged team me at one point with my girlfriend of the time instead of just trying to work things out with me one on one. I would have listened. Instead they went out of their way to make it that I couldn't fight back, or FELT like I couldn't fight back due to my emotional state at the time, & as soon as I wasn't willing to worship the ground they walked on they dropped my ass while taking something very dear to me & holding it for 3 years taunting me with it when the chance arose.
But after all that I have not ONCE called them an abuser. Because I would hope that since they are running a show about NOT ABUSING PEOPLE their was another reason for all of this. Low selfestem of their own & what not. I gave the benefit of the doubt once more when I should really just...not.
Even after this that forgiveness letter will be coming within the next month or so because thoughts of trying to talk to this person to understand what happened more have flown out the window. I was going back & forth trying to figure out if it would be worth it even for them to go back & look like...whatever to the people they talk to most. After this though, I just can't bother to care anymore. Corrections, I WON'T put myself in this position because of this. It would just add fuel to a fire that is burning quite well all on it's own.
Now I have one more positive thing to look at myself with. The people I keep around me.
I couldn't be happier for them.
~Cyran J. Harrington~
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