Yuletide 2011

Over all I have nothing truly to complain about this Yuletide, other then my main job treating me...well...like they have always treated me. I will say though I did go through a hard bought of depression not too long ago though. Girlfriend was there to help me out of it. She let me get my worries out when I hit the lowest of it & helped me get back to me feet. It's a wonderful feeling knowing she will be there to hold me up no matter what.

In other news...

As some of you know I send out a morning text every morning with a little quote of that day that I retrieve from offline, & todays is something I plan on writing on a white bored somewhere where I can look at it every day this next year:

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

It's like someone knew I needed to find it so it showed up this morning on the site I go to for the quotes to send out. (Quote Page)

As I have said before this upcoming year will be the year of forgiveness for me. I have told the Lady of our Kindred this & she has discussed it with me a bit, at least enough to have given me something to think about, & I am well on my way to already for filling this task. 

The one individual that I felt I would have the hardest time with...has actually been the easiest. I'm practiacly done with their's already. I still plan on writing a letter & ending it with a meditation to finish the job. Then there will be sage & cleansing of all the crystal's I will have been wearing while I did this. The meditations I believe will be the hardest part of this one. Cutting that last spiritual bond because they were such a large reason of who I am today. Though it will be done when I finish. I think the reason it has been so easy for me to go about the first part of it is because of the quote, & the more I do it the more I grow confidence that I can & that's it's okay to let go of it. I dislike pain so why would I want to hold it close to me anymore? 

The other thing that got me kick started on this was one particular thing the Lady of our Kindred said to me that night...

"It also give's her the chance to let the feelings come up & her to tell them no." 

I know this wasn't something that was supposed to make me think on my behalf but it did. It has made me understand how to do this a bit better. When I feel those feeling of pain, hurt, or any sort of suffering I have to tell it "No, I will not let you have a part of my time any longer." & then move on with whatever I am doing. For me it's very different then just looking them in a box so I can wear a mask over them almost every day more then it should of been. This way I must acknowledge the feeling & actually DO something with it then hide it away, which was honestly making it worse.

The the first part of my year is coming along so nicely I think it's time I started talking about some other parts of it. Over the horn this past Hussel I oathed that I would have a new job before I moved in to the apt with my next roommates. I have until sometime in June to really get it all together. I am so sick & tired of the way they are treating me at Taco Delite I can't fucking stand it. I told them my nicknames, or what I'm called outside of there, the other day & all I got was made fun of for it. Not in the good way either. I think they meant it in good fun, but it just wasn't funny to me. I get it, I'm the odd ball out up there. I'm the only pagan, I'm the only anime nerd, I'm the only one who goes to conventions, & I'm a space cadet when I work there because I don't want to be there so badly. I feel like I always fuck up, even when it's the customers mistake, over all I'm just done with it all. I never dread going into Hottopic like I do Taco Delite, because there I know I am appreciate & welcomed. They won't make fun of me for what I believe, or what I like outside of work, or my odd talk of zombie plans. They won't give me crap for my piercings, or tattoos. It's just over all a nicer environment to work in. 

This last time I was leaving Taco Delite to go home one of the owners of the store made a comment to Girlfriend, "We help her, no worries." With a giant smile on their face, directly after I only found out I had two days of work this week, when they know I have bills & what not to pay. I could of lost it right there, but I won't because I need the reference & the job until I find something else that will work me more hours. Even if it pays me less the more hours I can get the better.

I am on the second week of my personal runes study & I must say I never new I had it in me to teach myself things. I've never felt...smart enough I suppose. I still feel like I don't get everything I need out of it compared to having someone teach me but that will come with time. Other people have been working on that skill for years where I have just begun with it. I must be proud of me now in order to move forward & be proud of me later. It's the little things that get you by after all. Overall, I am looking forward to doing the rest of the Runes one by one & spending a week on each. It's a good feeling to be doing that on my own. 

For this I have also done my first warding for a ritual! I got a great review on it too. Though the teaching method of it bothered me alot, along with the lack of trust I was given. There was no "trial & error" or "constructive critisiam" for me. There was me asking "What do I need to do?" & they handed me an open book to a warding incantation page.

"Read that." I was told with a grand smile. So I did. 

I processed to ask, "Do I go around the WHOLE apartment, or just the small area we will be doing the spell work at?" 

Another smile with a simple, "Yes."

I finally asked the Lady of the Kindred who gave me a much better answer then the Lord did. After I was done I didn't get feed back right away, which was fine because people had started to arrive. I waited until after though & had to ask how I did, in which all I got were answers like "Good, great, fine." So I suppose that means I didn't do anything wrong, which is good. But I feel like I was never given a straight answer there. On top of that, he did the warding before I had come over already to "reinforce" my ward. I hate not being trusted to get things like this done & feel like I wasn't trusted not because I couldn't do it, but because no one cared to find out if I could or not or really TAUGHT me how to do it. Everybody there knows I am not good a learning from reading a book, but am a visual, audio learner, so why would they just shove a book at me? It makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously. On the other hand, perhaps this is a new learning way that I need to just breath & get used to. 

I suppose Ra will show me when I need to know. 

Somethings else I will be working on this year will be my confidence. In the last part of 2011 I noticed that I lacked a large amount of this when it comes to talking in public, being put on the spot, or anything else resembling this. I don't tell my opinion because I don't want to be called stupid, or have my opinion shot down, when i have opened my mouth to verbalize how my brain was connecting the dots on something I have been laughed at on multiple occasions, & over all I just don't want to make a fool of myself. I feel like I was told for a good while now that I "stand out too much" so I've stood down, & I can't stand it,but I don't know how to get back up. I feel like there's nothing that great about me, that no one cares about my opinion or what I think. Because of all of this I don't trust myself with anything, or close to nothing anyhow. 

So I will be joining toast masters once January hits so that I work on speaking in public, or being abruptly called on in groups of people. Then there is a meeting that are connected to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings for people who have been at the receiving ends of the abuse of an alcoholic. I am also going to try & work on my body. I have gain some weight that I am not too happy about with makes me feel like I'm less desirable. Then my hair color will be going back to my trademark blond. I'm done with the brown bull crap. As stupid as it sound I feel like my hair color has alot to do with all of this. People don't recognize me like they used too & don't seem to notice me when I have this color hair. I want to be me again, & brow in defiantly not me. 

I'm nervous for these changes coming up, but I know I can do it. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that more then anything in the world. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Make Like A Phoenix

At Samhain the God of the Sun dies & light begin to becoming longer while to day grow shorter, then at Yule the God is reborn from the Goddess so that we can move from winter to spring to star things over again. It's the never ending cycle of life that is sown in every day living & in many other ways. After all, when the sun goes down it has not failed us yet to come up the next day. (I pray that it continues.)

Essentially the year at Samhain ends which is why we burn things away on that holiday. All the thing we no longer wish to take with us to the new year so then at Yule we can be reborn without them, in which we write down the things we wish to do with our new selves to advance to the next level of life. This is how it comes across to me any how without all the story telling involved. 

Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking long & hard about what I wanted to bring into my life at Yule, what new things do i need to do to advance myself to that next level of life. I contemplated writing school in there, but something just feels wrong about that just yet. Then there is my photography, but none of the magic in the world can make me pick up my camera again until i get my confidence back up with it from where I let it fall. I thought about well being, like working out & quitting smoking but, again, I don't feel magic can help me with those things. Those are a bit more personal & not so much something the gods need to help me with but I need to help myself with. The more I kept looking at the obvious the more I was displeased with my thoughts on the matter. 

Last year I had so much i wanted to change & the important things that I wrote down that day for this year...have in one way or another come true to an extent. Some to a very good T. I couldn't be more happy about that. I just wanted to live up to what I lived up to last year & if I dug a little deeper I could get to it. 

It came to me Wednesday in the early part of the day: Forgiveness. 

This is something I have realized that I not only do not know how to do, that I'm not sure I am capable of & there are a few in particulate that it's time to forgive & forget. Mainly two things, because I have accepted them & moved on but I've never truly let them go. This is what is holding me back from alot of things in life. Like living it to the fullest, letting things leave a bitter taste in my mouth isn't something I would want everyday so why am I letting something bitter stay in my mind? It's time for a good washing. 

I will say that I am a bit scared of doing this. It's something huge in anybody's life to forgive the people that you don't really feel need forgiving because of how much they have hurt you, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. By Ra it's time I do this for me because it's just not worth it anymore. I know through this I will have my family behind me. People that love me, care for me, & want to help me through whatever I am going through. I know there support is always there for me even if I don't ask. 

There will be alot of other things I am realizing I want to manifest tin this new next year but that is the big one. So in the near-ish future I may be posting a very blunt forgiveness letter to someone here. They do not have access to this site that I know of, but giving them the chance to see it (however slim it is) makes me feel a bit better. I am ultamitally leaving it to the gods to let this person see it or not.

Over all, I am excited for this month more then ever. I have been working two jobs since just before Thanksgiving. (Hottopic finally called me!) Thanksgiving with Girlfriend's family lovely & I got to finally meet her, almost, 6 month old niece who was cute as could be. I even got invited to spend Christmas with them! I already feel like I'm family there. They were all very sweet to me & made me fee like I fit right in. (Well, as well as anyone looking like me would fit in there. Haha) I've got three different Yule celebrations to go to, Girlfriend's & I's personal thing, Christmas with her family, & then we want to do something kinda big on new years! (I have no idea what that is yet though.) Tomorrow is also our 6 month together this time around. Usually this is the worst month of the year for me but so far things are looking up here this year. I couldn't be happier. 

I have figured out living situations for my next apt. I will have two new roommates & moving to a different area, I will also be looking at going to Brookhaven instead of Richland. Once January rolls around & Hottopic keeps me or lets me go I will be looking for another job to replace Taco Delight. In February I will be turning 21 on the 21st (Lucky lucky!), I will also be moving to stay with Girlfriend until June when I get the new Apt with two other roomates. I have three different cosplays to work on for A-kon that are simple & won't break my bank too much. Our room is pretty much settled with 3 other people which will be drama free & good times all around. I still need to work on A-fest. I have set up my personal Rune study starting next week & I should be done by May 7th, 2012. Those are just the things I am looking at to look forward to right now! There are most likely going to be plenty more that just pop right up as I go along with this wonderful, crazy, beautiful life. 

I have alot to look forward to & alot to work on which is helping fight my depression back I never knew I could smile so much this time of the year. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Thankfully Thankful Thanking

From what I understand this month is about giving thanks because of the feast that the pligarms & Indian's had for helping one another. I do hope that at if you are old enough to get to my blog you are old enough to know that's not how the traditions actually goes. In case you are ignorant of the situation though please allow me to spoil it for you:

The reason we have this holiday today was because of the feast they would have after hunters would bring in Indian scalps. It was a thankful feast for have one for red sink dead & out of their hair.

I understand that the meaning of the Holiday has changed but I still think the old Indian spirits are quite unhappy with the origin of the holiday & that people, even knowing the facts of it, still celebrate it. I also don't understand how pagan's take such pride in acestories but then celebrate this holiday. It all just doesn't add up to me honestly, but none the less they do. 

The other part of this is that I don't feel we need a Holiday for us to be thankful for whatever it is we should be thankful for. We should be thankful every second of every day because without that moment we would not be here right now. We would not be able to do what we want to at this very second & what not. That, in my opinion, is something to be thankful for without a holiday telling you to be. 

I somewhat view it as Valentine's Day, you should love someone all the time without a Holiday telling you how & when to love them or that this is when you should show them how much you love them. You should do this every moment of every day because you never know if this will be your last or the last of many. Why do something tomorrow when you can do it today? This is how my head works. This is how I see the world.

I think the other part of me is just bitter & trying to make it better for myself at not having a family of my own to spend the holiday with. I am getting to spend it with my wonderful Girlfriend & her family though. It was an honor I was invited over & it would be disrespectful of me to decline. I also want time with them to show them what kind of person I am & that I am worth something. That I am good for their daughter even though I have piercings & have had a hard life, though not as hard as others. I am going to get a chance to really show them me to a...somewhat full extent...which is a nice feeling in my gut. I will go in with my head held high & proud of who I am, because no one can take who I am away from me no matter what. They can strip me of everything else if they want to be you can't...no...WON'T change me unless I see a damn good point that they give to me for the change to happen. But it better be Damn Good.

I feel like I am getting a bit off track from what I really was going for here. Since this is a month of things to be thankful for I will let you in on the 30 things I am most thankful for in my life this year.

30 - My mother

Because she has fucked up in my life many times now & most of you know where her state of mind is at the moment & what stress she causes me because of it, but under all that she took me in from the family I could of had (trailer trash Arkansas style) & without her fuck ups I would not be the person i am today. So thank you for taking me in & making me something I bet I never could be without you mom. Now please grow up soon.

29 - Enemies

I know this is an odd one to have on the list but without enemies then how would I get famous. They will be out there talkin crap & weather it's true or not doesn't matter because the people who matter will come & find out the truth from fiction & the people who don't well, haters ganna hate bro. Also, if you did something so bad to make an enemy then you know you left some sort of long lasting impression right? You must be worth something to have someone so butt hurt about you. 

28 - Public Schools

If these didn't exist we would not even given the base knowledge of what we could know. We would not know how to read, write, or even get jobs now-a-days. It's kind of crazy when you think of how bad they are, yet how much they help our society out. 

27 - Teachers

Do you really think without the crazily educated people that we would be able to have public schools, or any school for that matter, in the first place? Didn't think so. I learned many things from my teachers, & not just related to the subject. I remember how they helped me through whatever it was I was going through at the time & that meant more then the world to me when I had no other adults to turn to. I knew I could go to them. I still can if I really needed to too. 

26 - The World

Where would anyone be without the outside world? We all started from people of long long long ago. We can't even trace the genetics it was so far back so we have the theory of evolution because of it. Then all these different cultures to learn from. Where would we live too? No other planet can hold our life forms like this one can. 

25 - Change

A wise women once told me "The only stable thing in life is change" & I have never heard more truth. If it wasn't for change I would not be out on my own knowing I can make it without the support of a parent & man does that feel good. Without it I also would never have change from that crying mess I was with birth. Just like everyone else. 

24 - Video Games

These can be used for so many things now-a-days then just keeping us entertained, like education & it's an amazing thing that has happened with them. They can also be used for exerciser reasons now too. I personally like playing them for the lack of thinking you have to do in them & the interaction they have with you, or the fact you can kill things in them & never get in trouble in the real world. It is wondrous for stress. Oh Left4dead. Please bring me the horde. They also give you little attachments to work towards to help kids learn how to make goals to work up to a large one which is something worth while to me.

23 - Internet

You bring me many lols, more ways to keep connected to people then I could ever imagen & more ways then people could even consider of keeping everyone informed. You are a wondrous thing & I hope you continue doing what you do best for us humans. 

22 - My Grandmother

A lot of people that knew the situation would sit here & ask me why I would even consider this but they did not know her like I did. Yes, her mind was gone, but her money was keeping a roof over my head & food on the table for a very long time & paid for a car the majority of the time. She might of been mentally gone but over all she did alot more for me then most realize. That is something.

21 - Cell Phone

Oh technology, what would we be without you mt friend? I trust you to be there all the time for me & you have not failed me yet unless I do not pay my bill. I love being instantly connect to my friends & without this little device there would be no such thing as a privet line for those kids when they are young & still in their parents house. It also gives us the ability to talk to each other when we would normally not be able to with that texting type technology. It also gives me the ability to text people my morning text with those cute little quotes I send out everyday.

20 - Quotes & Sayings

Those stupid little things that we say to each other for motivation, inperations, or to make someone smile. They would be from movies, famous people, a close friend, or just someone on the street. Who ever said it left an impression on you & I bet you took whatever quote or saying you held onto & incorporated it in your life somehow without even noticing. I know I have for alot of the one's. I have very large page count of quotes I have collected over a time on my comp. They all hit me somehow & they are all important in their own way.

19 - Music

I think most people know what I am talking about when I say music can speak more for your emotions then words from your own mouth ever could. I have used songs to show people how I feel about them for so long now & it's nice to know I can continue doing that. I will use them to show just how I feel on the inside when i can't get rid of the wall on the outside to let people see. So here's to music, an art in it's self.

18 - Grants

Without these I would not be able to afford school. 'Nough said.

17 - College

Without college I would of had no reason to get out of high school with a diploma to be honest. Also without it I would have had nothing to teach me the basics of photography & show me the different ways to go with it. It gives me a gate way I would not other wise have & that is amazing in the line of work I wish to be a part of. 

16 - My Job/s

Without these I'm not sure how far I would have gotten anywhere. They have taught me a great deal of how the world works & have helped me grow to a sort of adult. They also help keep a roof over my head, internet, & electric on everyday. Of course it is with roommates but it's better then being on the streets because what I makes doesn't get me a place alone. It also keep food on my table for my cat, hamster, & myself. I even have some left over sometimes to get myself pretty things. Though they are a pain in the ass they are something I must do if I want to get anywhere in the world.

15 - Sacred Journey Fellowship

This place is where I met the people who started the Kindred I am a part of & it also gave me a place to start my path finding. It showed me more then I could imagen for different paths & a place to feel safe for a time being. though it is not something I go to every week anymore it is something I must give thanks to because I have gained alot because of it & I wouldn't have it any other way.

14 - Walden's Pound

This is the UU Church that my Kindred is starting up. We are half way there membership wise & growing even now. I have learned quite a bit now & I'm not going to stop now. I could not ask for a more stable environment then this, though it does fluctuate from time to time over all I know it's a safe place to some back to. Welcoming & open to whatever I may bring with me.

13 - Bitfrost

Oh what to say about this. This has givin me family, or people to call kin. This is family of choice & no matter what I know if I need them they will be there to the best of their ability. No matter how mad we are at each other or how much drama there is I know I can always turn here for anything I ever need. It takes a village & by Ra have I found a good one.

12 - My Faith

I never thought I would say this one but I am. It have givin me something to fill hopeful towards. It may not be what the majority of the world's faith is but this is mine & that I think makes it better. It has lead me to people that have showed me so much of the world without leaving my home town. If it wasn't for this I wouldn't be where I am now. I feel connected to something & like something has my back all the time. I don't even have to get on my knees to ask for it because my Gods & Goddess walk beside me, shoulder to shoulder, like a friend & help me when I need it but would never carry me as I have feet & legs for that. If they carried me through all my hard times how would I learn any how?

11 - Being Part of the LGBT Community

I know people who would be outraged by this statement because a book told them to be & I can't say I understand at all. If people just followed what books said then the world would still be considered flat. Back to what I really want to say though, I have never met a more caring community then this one. I am not just saying that because I am a part of it either. If I wasn't I feel like my feelings wouldn't change on this matter. I love it & I wouldn't want it any other way. Keep bein who you are everyone & soon we will be equal as we should be.

10 - Laughter

Form all those times that we were down & out what brought us back up? Those silly little things that tickled us so much we laughed. The things that were even about the situation that made us laugh so hard we cried because of it, or peed ourselves.  It'a amazing was a simple thing can due to us in our most needed times & something I look forward to doing everyday. A world without jokes, & laughter is no world I want to be a part of. 

9 - My Strength

It wasn't easy getting it all, I certainly wasn't born with it. It did come from the wreckage when something broke me down. Every time I cried I got a little stronger. Every time something went wrong, my back hardened & my tears grew less. A part of me thinks that the quote "Strength is just how well you can hide the pain." is oddly correct, but without my strength I can't say that I would be here today. Without the strength that I belt up from all the pain I have had in my life. You live & you learn.

8 - My Mind

I feel like this is something that is incredibly important to everyone in their own sense because it owns you & without it you wouldn't be here. You would just be another robot. I have my own thought process just as you have yours, so on & so forth. It's also the place I keep all the things prescious to me. The memories of the moments where my breath was taken away, or the times I cried so hard I threw up. That doesn't seem like something to remember, but it's mine & mine alone & it might have been a HORRIBLE TIME in my life...but it was a time. A time I will never get back. A time to learn from & only with my mind where it should be will I learn it.

7 - Photography

This is my passion. My love. My life, & I am more then happy to say that I am rediscovering my love for it. I've missed it in my life. I forgot how right it felt in my hand. I just have to work through all the insecurities that come long with it. The "That person is better then me" or the "I'll never make it because of the money it will take." I may not make it when I want to but if I put my mind to it as much as I do this blog, or the other sites I visit then I will have it in no time. Art is something that can change the world & by god I will change the world with my art with my dying breath if that's what it takes.

6 - Sage

For those of you who knew him, you can already understand this, for those of you who didn't...I got him Sept 2010 because something just told me to. I skipped class that day & everything for it. He was the best thing that I could of asked for. He helped me out of a pretty harsh depression that everyone could most likely see but I wasn't willing to get help with. But he did what no body else could, & no matter what I knew he would be bouncing around when I woke up or curled up next to my legs on the bed. HE's chirps were worth coming back to each time & he knew I would never let him go to long without me there...then he was gone. Slipped out of my fingers...but man was he worth it while he was still around. His spirit follows me & I know I am still not alone. I love you.

5 - Tigger

Beside's my dog this was the very first pet that was called mine, but he was the first pet the was truly mine. No matter what happened I knew I could come home to that obnoxious meow & know I was home. I know, no matter what, he would always love me. He would always purr even though I wasn't touching him. He would always wait for me to come home no matter how long I had been gone for. He always loved me, & I loved him. He was the best 15 year old pet I could of ever had & I know that somewhere out there he loves me still no matter what & I know he knows that I will ALWAYS love him & that he is in my heart for ever. 

4 - Multiplicity

I think most people would call this a problem but I just can't. I live with them in harmony along with so many other people & I'm not sure where I would be without them. Krade, Kradonous, Tom, Cali, the whole lot. I owe them alot too. Though they hurt me at one point they also have helped me through the hardest parts of my life from when I was little to right at this moment & I know as long as I need/want them they will be more then happy to help. I could never ask for a better inner support system. 

3 - Friends

I know some people will understand why this is so high on my list & other's will just think I am odd but without my friends I have no idea where I would be right now & I can't promise I would still be here. My friends have gotten me through so much. Have stayed up late with me on the phone while I cried about something stupid, or put up with my fits of rage. They were the first one's there with the duck tape to put my heart back together when it got shot part. I love them & I hope to smile, cry, laugh, & bury more bodies with them whenever I get the chance to. 

2 - Girlfriend

If it wasn't for life being first this one would be. I can not express how much thanks I owe to this girl. I don't know anyone who can pick me up quite like she does, or anyone who would take care of me quite like she does. She literally stayed up with me all night sat night & most of Sunday to take care of me when I was sick & throwing up ever hour-hour & a half. She did everything in her power to make me feel better & take care of me in my time of need which is something huge in my book. It's nice to know that someone is there to take care of me when I can't take care of myself, she pulled through with flying colors. I couldn't be happier knowing that this girl is by my side & I'm more proud then anyone could be of her. 

1 - Life

This is the number one thing I am thankful for because without it I could not be thankful at all. I am more then proud od this gift even with all the things it has thrown at me over the years, without it...then what would life be for the people around me I wonder? Would I just be born now? Who knows, & who cares, because I am more then blessed with what I have right now & I will not take it for granate. 

There they are people. From the things I am least thankful for to most thankful down to number one. I have to say that that was a bit of a challenge but a good work out. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

It's Better Late Then Never

We stopped our writings due to your husband's antics about it. Having small heart attacks because he felt inferior to me as I was your first, & in my opinion still the best. But we are both past that, haha. 

Do you remember what your last writing to me was dear? About making you lay in bed all day in your naked glory? I hope you do as you said it was one of the best days in all of your lives. 

You were always so shy back then, always so timid with your body. Even when we were making love you did not want my eyes on all of you at once. You had to have something covered. Always. It had always bothered me, but I continued to let you do what was most comfortable to you because I know if I was uncomfortable with something I would dislike someone a great deal for breaking my comfort zone without my permission. I did, however, want to do this for you. I wanted to show you the part of you you had so wonderfully locked away from yourself at that time. 

I waited patiently for the day when I felt it best to do this & then my father was suddenly gone for a time. At that time my sybilings were either dead, or had "gone missing" (been ran off from the palace to save their lives.), I gave everyone else a very hushed day off in order for you to do this. On top of that I wanted to show you the library we had as it had many more books then the public library ever could, at least back then because of my father's way's of spreading the countries money around. 

I remember you waking to see me, & I remember that look of awe in you eyes. I was quite flattered even though I knew I looked good back then. It was a splendid complement. I remember each & ever action you mentioned in your memory of it, & what was I thinking? I was thinking that by the end of the day, you would see what I saw. 

A women with so much more potention then what she was giving herself credit for. A women with a mind worth more then any amount of gold someone could offer. Something beautiful that no one else could be. 

I think my mission was a success too. You wondered around all day nude as a had so smugly "ordered" you to, & you smiled through the whole thing, you never shuttered once, you never took a second look at the covers or your cloths. You seemed free in some odd aspect that day. 

Of course, once the time limit was over you put some cloths back on but afterwards you never wore as many in my presence. Like you were finally free of something that had been holding you back since you were young. 

That's what I remember of it. You may never see this but I hope I answered your question. The fact that it's out there makes me feel a bit better because it had bothered me all these years I never got to answer you. As if you were still waiting for it or some silly thing like that, but for the portability that you were...

Here it is. 

~Kradonous Ravonous Codwell~

referance links

http://www.asiya.org/sabbats/yule.html

http://www.squidoo.com/pagan-sabbats-yule

http://www.wiccanway.com/Yule-Solitary-Ritual-Guide_c_200.html

http://www.witchcraftcalling.co.uk/yule4.html

http://sacredwicca.jigsy.com/yule-sabbat

http://whisperingworlds.com/wiccan/yule.php

To the Future & Beyond

Before I get to the gut of things I wanted to let everyone know that my mother is somewhere safe for the time being & has not actually done what she was planning to (thank the asnestors.) I appreciate all of your concerns & well wishes, along with any of you who payed for her. It means the world. 

*~*~*~*~*

It's the new year for me. Samhain has come & gone & both of the ritual's that I was a part of were great. The private one again was more for my girlfriend then I but I took advantage of it none the less. Why let a good thing go to waist, ey? I wrote what I needed to down & burn what I felt I needed but over all, I had a very hard time finding anything to write down. It's not because I am content with what I have but none of it seemed like it needed burned away, or disposed of. Perhaps am not ready to get rid of what I truly need to yet, or I have not realized that I need to get rid of it yet. But I did find somethings, & they were things that needed to be gone though I don't believe they truly are "gone". The fates like to throw me curve balls just when I think I am over something, lets just wait & see.

The ritual I did with my kindred was nice but awkward for me. As many of you know I am adopted so I do not know my blood kin well, nor do I know my adopted kin, nor do I have many that I know have died before me or that I was close to. So being part of an ancestor ritual for heathen faith is always...a bit hard for me. It does not give me warm fuzzys like it does everyone else. It gives me a sense of displacement & out of the loop-ness. (It's not something I truly enjoy feeling either but it's not something I can complain about.) The kindred mother did suggest that ancestors did not have to be dead relatives but pets too & to bring Sage's collar along to put on the alter. (For those of you who don't/didn't know Sage, he was my very loved Ferret who died not too long ago.) So I did because it was the only thing I had & who would have known that his energy was still so strongly on that collar. He lived so much that is' hard for me still to believe he is just gone. I almost broke down while have to put it on the alter seeing how my girlfriend carried it there before that for me. (Ra I love that girl)

Though Sage's collar was a shock I think the blessings is what is going to get me through this next year, what I will hold close to me to see what I get next go around with my ancestors. I do not know if our Horn Maiden had a hard time with me or not (It seemed like she did from the pause) she blessed me with what joys that my ancestors will be bringing me this next year. I also wondered if she was tapping into my adopted family, or my  blood family...either way to know joy is coming to me is a bit of a relief at the moment.

Before I say my final good-byes to the last year I would like to do a recap of it, for myself more then you readers.

I was cut out of a dear friends life. 

I found a new friend that helped me through alot.

I had the best birthday of my life yet.

Because of new friend I was reconnected with the girl that I couldn't let go of. 

I got the friend I had lost back.

I decide to move out of my house/got evicted.

I have gotten back into photography.

I got back with the girl who broke my heart 3 years ago.

I have a kin.

I will be a Rune's Master of my kindred.

My cat of 15 years died.

My ferret of less that one year died.

My grandmother died.

I moved into my first apt.

I worked at a haunted house.

I feel like this year has been very eventful for me. I think all in all it has turned out good for me with hiccups of bad but I think it's time to leave this behind & learn from all of these things. Take in what I can while I can & then chug along.

So goodbye old year, hello new!

Now for the agenda for this brand new year. I want to put expectations on it like I never have before. I want to grow more then I ever have & it's going to start right now.

Lately I have honestly felt like a bump on a log. There's not real point for me to be there other then to give the log "character." Well, I'm getting pretty bored of that & it's time for me to grow into a log myself. (Worst metaphor in the world I know.) 

The first change I will be making is my thought process. I don't know when it started but I went from thinking that I can to I THINK I can which is ridiculous in my book. I know I can do anything I set me mind to now it's just over coming the challenges in my way & half of those aren't challenges that other people have put there it's challenges I am putting there because of my personal insecurities. I do have the opinion that the insecurities are brought upon by others but that's still no reason to let them get in my way.

I used to say: I am a bundle of insecurities brought about by the happenings of others to this individual. 

 Now it will be: I am the one who has concored that bundle of insecurities that others have happened onto me.

That's is how I am trying to look at this year. Last year was a year of change & this year will be too but in a very different way. Last year was more inner change now it's time I change my surroundings. 

My job has cut my hours to next to nothing. People who have been there way less time them be are getting more hours then I am when I have all my bills to play & they have mommy & daddy to help them out. So one of the first things on my agenda is to get a new job...or two. If I have to I may end up with three depending on how my luck goes. I'm hoping like hell I get get I good paying job that works me 40 hours a week from 9-5 or something like that. I'm getting really tired of not knowing when I will work until that week comes up to be honest. I'm at a point in my life where nothing has been stable for me so I don't see it unreasonable to ask for a but of stability in one part of my life at least, because I doubt I will have it in my home life for quite a long time.

But change is the only stable thing int he world so we will see what I can get myself & where life wants me honestly.

In February I will not only be turning 21 (W00T W00T ONLY 4 MONTHS) I will also be moving again much to my not wanting to, but it doesn't seem I get a say in the matter. My other two roommates are already looking into places with one of the roommate S.O. (significant other) without even telling me. I have two options open to me so far depending on how things go. Maybe even three if I get this one job I REALLY REALLY want for the reasons I posted above. 

One option I have is my & Girlfriend moving in with each other, which I know alot of you will probably be like "SO SOON?!" Yes. So soon we are already talking about it. I think we both wanted to wait a bit longer but honestly, with how much I am here now I might as well be living with her already. We work well together under the same roof & have a system worked out already. We enjoy each other a great deal & home life together I don't think would be do bad if we continue how we are. So this is an option.

A second option is moving in with my good friend Olivia (Or Tarot Girl. I think I like that name for her better actually.) We have lived together before & can put up with each other's crap as much as I think we hate to admit it. She also gets along with my girlfriend so it wouldn't matter how much she was over. (Like it shouldn't matter) We work well together, apart, & in alot of other ways. We get along great & if we have problems with each other we just yell at each other & get over them. It's a nice system. So really like this option & glad to say it is one for the time being.

The third & last option I have at the moment is only if I get the call center job out in Lewisville. I could maybe move in with two people that will most likely be looking for a new roommate anytime now (or just one of them if I can get away with it.) I don't know her well but seeing how all I have to do is survive it I don't think this will be to big of an issue. Again, it all depends on how things go job wise. 

A part of me is relived about having to move out from the roommates that I have right now just because of the idiotic complications that have come up (or expert lack of communication) & the other part is dreading it just because of the mad scramble I will have to do once again. I also find it stressful that I am the one being left out. I can understand why to a certain extent but on the other hand it royoaly pisses me off. They both have places to go if things don't work out for them somehow. No, it's not ideal for either of them but it's a roof over your head until something else comes along. I don't & I'm not saying that is their problem, but I feel it should be taken into consideration. The other part of this that is beyond annoying is that with them ganging up together it makes me feel like I was the one who did everything wrong when it takes two to tango. That may be those nasty insecurities barging back in but I find it to be a valid point especially when when everyone but me knows that they are looking for new places. Anyways.

I'm not sure what I will do with school this year. I want to go back to desparetly because the longer I am out the more I feel like I am falling behind in something. (In what I'm really not sure but I;m falling behind.) I at east want to take one simple class, one class of my core may be all I can do for a while but I'm trying to make myself believe it's better then nothing. It makes me feel like I am getting somewhere, but I still have to go talk to someone about it & figure out what I have left compared to everything else. I really haven't gone & talked to an adviser for long periods of time like the reccomend. But alot of them are rather rude or don't seem to care about helping the student what they need at all. Or they plan out tell you they have no idea about something which makes me have so much confidences in them. None-the-less though, I plan on going up there sometime to spend a good amount of time to try & figure out what all I need to do still & in how much time. I need to know these things so I can plan everything else accordingly.

Photography is...well I have a photo shoot of a friend's cosplay Friday sometime after 4:30 & the last time we did this his came out the best from the two or three people I did a shoot for. I enjoy his company a great deal as well. We get along great & have alot in common. Our personalities are really similar in a very different way too. It's nice. Over all my goal for photography is to actually get out there & start taking picture on a regular basis again. At least once a week, of anything. I may even take a walk around where ever I am just for the hell of it to get me back in the swing of things. I've been out of it for so long now that I have been forgetting my camera at time when I need it the most. I was quite disappointed in myself at that time. I have found my stepping stone though, I want to start a business with it at first! My kindred Mother mentioned it to me & it's still a while down the road but it's something to work for, I am going to get together a local portrait studio that is LGBT friendly! This not only allows me to do something I love but also allows me to get to know the people a community I am a part of more. The other stepping stone is to do cosplay photography at conventions where Girlfriend will take it into photoshop to "paint it" for them before printing it to give them! It makes me feel good to have a goal for this part of my life after feeling like I had lost all the passion for it!

I plan on getting more into the magical part of my life because I have just been going with what I feel I know of it. I want to learn more of the ritual side of it. I believe in magic after all & I should be using it to aid me in life instead of assuming I can do it all myself with no help. There is no point for me to do things by myself if I don't have to & the more reinforcement I have the better at this point. I have felt the closet to the gods & goddess more then I ever have in the past. When it comes to my Heathen path I tend to ask Odin for help, or protection a great deal & his pets happen to be Raven's. Two of them if you wish to get specific I don't know how many days in a row it has been now but every day there has been one or two raven's that come by me at once. It's comforting to know I can rely on something like that to answer me & make me feel safe when nothing else does. I know Ra (My patron god) has been waiting for this time as well & that he could not be the one to whip what little doubts I had in me away. I needed more then just him to reinforce my beliefs. 

This next year I will complete becoming a Rune master for my kindred. I will find a circle that has the Egyptian deities as their patron's mainly, because I want to get more into those traditions. Candle magic has been calling me more then anything right after runes. (I am a fire element after all) Over all I want to become a physical high priest to Ra. I have been there spiritually but not mentally or physically. This has been what I have wanted for quite sometime now so it's about time I start actually seeking it out. I'm done waiting for things to happen like I have done for some long. I'm going to make them happen finally. The other two things I want to do with the spiritual part of my life is actually learn new age stone work, & how to master all the elements. These last two things I feel are more of something I will do personally rather then with a teacher. 

I actually started all of this spiritual journey off today when I took two runes into my life by reading about them to prep a class I am teaching on them next Wendsday. Nervous is putting it lightly as to how I am feeling about this. I hate getting up in front of groups of people & talking about... intelligent things because I don't find myself intelligent enough to do so because of things in my past. So I will fix this problem by doing exactly what I don't want to do. In order to overcome something you must face it after all. The other big part of this is that I hate being judged, which is why I do my best not to do it to anyone else I see/know/knew. Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do & I have no right to judge them for it. I do have a right to form my own opinion about things, but to me that isn't a judgement to me.

Over all, I have alot planned for this year & by golly I will get it all done if it kills me! It will be the year of learning or making my brain grow, & environmental change around me.

It's time for another new people. If you don't like it then I don't need you here. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~