You've Never Been So Used

Man oh man has so much happened & it's been so long since i posted anything. I've just been busier & busier it seems, along with just not having the energy to put up blogs regularly. Doesn't mean it won't happen just might not be as often. It honestly depends on how I am feeling in the moment & every time I want to blog I'm in the middle of work. That's rather annoying for sure, but I will try & cover as much as I can before I get distracted by something more shinny. 

Hum, where to begin...I AM 21 FINALLY & I AM ENJOYING EVER MOMENT OF IT! 8D It's so nice not to be restricted & limited because of a fucking number any more.I can do (mostly) what I want when I want. :) For my 21st birthday I went out with three of the best people evea to have my drink at midnight. I WILL NEVER GET TO SO THAT AGAIN! 8D Yay for me! That evening Girlfriend took me out to a NAtional Geographic live Event & then we went bar hopping in Deep Eulm. (Did I mention my birthday landed on Fat Tuesday this year? CAUSE IT TOTALLY DID) Needless to say I was NOT okay in the morning. Haha! But that was because I didn't have enough water before hand. There was also a Dubstep concert going on at the Tree's venue. I understand that genre of music so much more now. I met some pretty epic people there too. :) 

Around my b-day I went to my first Drag Queen show at S4 in the Rose Room & I will most defiantly be going back! Totally worth it! For my party the Girlfriend gave me a surprise of a LIMO! We went to my fave Kareokie place then a Hookah lounge. then back home for some Jurassic Park watching. (Did I mention that it was Dinosaur themed? It's was totally Dinosaur themed. 8D) I had a friend from out of town TRICK ME. She texted me the morning of telling me her car broke down & that she wasn't going to be able to make it but she ended up being there anyhow because she is a POOPFACE & I FUCKING LOVE HER. It was so wonderfully exciting & eventful.

Since we are on my birthday just before I turned 21 I was really focused on getting my photography going. I have come up with a name for my business, Relic Photography. I have had some people ask me "why that name?" Because part of the reason we have so much knowledge about the past as we do today is because of the photographs we have found. As time goes by, your brain gets older, but a photograph is forever. I actually think I just found my tag line.

Relic Photography

"A Photograph is forever."

I. Love. It. 

Besides that, I also have a 15 - 20 year project that I am getting started up. I have a bunch of notes toward it & more gets added as time goes along. Right now I am just getting my name out there & doing what I can. I have done alot of Bluebonnet Photos as of lately that I will post up with my next post once I get to editing them & what not. I am also starting to do Cosplay photography just to get me used to photographing people more. Getting used to directing them & what not. You would be surprised at how hard telling people what to do it if they have no idea. This weekend I have two more shoots tomorrow & then one Sunday. Only a few are paying but something is better then nothing! 

The sad news about all this Photography business is that the camera I have just won't do any more. My D40 is just too out of date. The ISO ranges from 200 - 1600 & starts pixlating around 400. On top of that it is only a 6 Pixal camera. Do you realize that a point & shoot has more fucking pixals then that? I found that out & my heart sank. I just don't have the type of money for what I need for this industry. But I'm going to do what I can with what I have. I knew it was going to be expensive when I decided it was my path to take. I just need to get the money together & look around on craigslist/ebay to find something in my price range.

That brings me to my next topic. 

The Open Stage

This has made me look forward to Mondays for a good month or so now. A couple months before I talked about a group called the Circus Freaks when I was telling about ArtLoveMagic's tag show. Well, this is the same group & they have something like that ever Monday night for only 10 dollars. It's worth the ten dollars too, TRUST ME. Every week I found something new there I didn't know about before. It has given me a whole new look on things in the world. It gives me a new friend set that I am oh so grateful for at this point. It has even gotten me in touch with an old friend that needs a photographer for her company! (One step & chugging on!) I will let you see what they have to offer on the site I linked. I do want to show you what I do there every Monday besides being around amazingly talented people.

I have found that my skills have gotten so much better since I started this & I am in love with doing it all again. I will continue posting up my work here as it comes along. If you want to see all of my works from the week then friend me on Facebook.

I suppose the next order of business is...BURLESQUE.

I love it. 

I went to a show just around my birthday on a double date & IT WAS FANTASTIC. I am super upset that I haven't been more involved with these things after seeing one for the first time when I was 18 or so. (I never knew balloons could be so damn sexy.) I have been to 2 other one's (so 3 all together) & I must say the more I see of them the more I am fascinated by them. I know alot of people probable think "Why not just go to a strip club if you want to see women take off their cloths?" Because I have class & something called RESPECT for women. These girls don't just take off their cloths for money, they do it in a way that makes it an art form. If strip clubs is your thing, then go for it. I prefer art work. I have gotten in touch with a girl or two I have seen at these shows & I'm hoping to get in close enough that I can start doing privet shoots, or even shoot the shows they all put on. I'm so glad I have found this & is gives me something to go & socialize into without being around the same old crowd. It's refreshing.

Around May - June of this year I will have a friend moving to DFW area from Huntsville. I have known her for a good long time now & needless to say I'M SUPER EXCITED FOR THIS. We get along so well & it will be easier for Alara & Tim to see/talk to each other. She's been there for me through so much & over all is wonderful. I am looking forward to her being so close to me so we can hang out more & get to know each other a bit better. 

That is all of the good things that have been going on since my last posting.

Now for the...not so pleasant stuff.

On my 21st birthday we came home from that all the nights events to find the door slightly cracked, & Zort missing. He never came home & all of my attempt's to try & get him back to us have been crushed some how. The pet stores around our area didn't seem to give a damn. The shelters never called, then living center never got wind of anything, & (this is what pisses me off the most) the apartment complex took down my fucking signs without contacting me about it.

You know, if someone has gone through all the trouble to print them out & hang them the LEAST you could do would be call the number on the poster to let them know what's going on. Why they were taken down. But no. NOTHING. I found the pretty shitty. On top of that, someone in the complex got my number off of one of the posters & called to fucking hit on me. Get. A. Life. How fucking pathetic do you have to be that you have to call from a missing pet poster?! If I knew who it was I could have killed them.

Needless to say there has been no sign of him & it's been over a month now. I'm still hoping for him to come back but over all not expecting him too. :/

Girlfriend & I hit a pretty rough patch too. I think we are finally getting over it all. We just had lot of problems with communication & stuff of that sort. I think we both hit a real sensitive patch with emotions. I think they are starting to work themselves out now but we will see. Right now I am happy with it but that can change in moments depending on what happens from now til then. We have hit our nine month which is super exciting even though I just wasn't have a good day on the third. My emotions got to a bit of a high with everything that was happening though most of that has been fixed now. 

My mom has an 80% clogged artery. For those of you who don't know, my mom has had a stroke before so if she doesn't get this fixed up then it...just isn't good news. I know I shouldn't but I prepare myself everyday for the phone call of her passing on. The cops questioning me, judging me like her friends do because I'm not willing to suspend my life for an unknown amount of time to make sure she has a roof over her had when all she could do when I needed her to do that was drink & smoke. She is my next forgiveness letter & this is actually going to be harder then I thought it would be. There's just so much...a lifetime worth...I just don't know where to even start. Was it when Rick came in? Was it when I got old enough to have a brain? Was it when Grandma moved in? Was it when Rick left? I just can't pin point it & all it makes me want to do it cry. I'm not even sure why any more other then because some part of me remembers. Remembers the person she used to be & can't help but wonder why the fuck her kid wasn't good enough to stay that way. In my world a kid trumps everything in life. You make sure you do what is best for that kid. Maybe that's just me.

There's some other stuff that happened too but I'm just not ready to talk about yet. I will see what I can do about posting up something else this weekend. Maybe I will have some time tomorrow morning. -crosses fingers- 

AWAY WITH MY A.D.H.D.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Love Stories

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974

This is the first time I have as a Valentine on Valentine's day & I don't think I can tell if it feels good or not yet. It's nice to know I'm not alone while everyone else it together, but it doesn't feel that different from any other day other then we get gifts from each other specializing in "love" & "how we feel" towards one another. Girlfriend & I do this everyday though. I know the importance of telling someone how you feel about them everyday. That you love them anyways, because you never know what is going to happen to them in a moments notice. 

For example my Cap'in got into a really bad car wreck one night when she was supposed to meet up with me. She could of died. Thankfully there is no long lasting damage.

It's things like that that make you really think. Really understand the word Love & how much effect it has on just about anything.

Three years ago I got hurt pretty bad by two people. I felt betrayed, hurt, sad, lost, confused...a variety of things that is hard to explain to someone on a good day. The result of this happening to me though was that I swore off love & anything like it. I stopped trusting people, I became angrier then I already was, etc. 

I'm not sure how many people I hurt in this time period but I know I did the best I could with what I knew/had. The love I had for people still showed through just in not so positive ways, because my love was so guarded, in this time though I still got hurt because I cared. It's all a bit complicated....

Three years later though one of the people who hurt me so much came back into my life. We had our 8th month anaversary on the 3rd of February & I don't think I've ever loved quite this much in my life. It's still a bit jaded, but no where near what it was before. I'm happier because of it too. I think everyone can tell as well.

Honestly, I don't think I will ever feel love as purely as I did in 2008, but I don't think it would be the same if I did. My love wouldn't be as strong as it is right now if it was the pure. It would have never changed to what it is now. I would never have become the person I am now. That is something to show love to in it's self. 

I still don't know where my love stands with Girlfriend because I have such a hard time accepting it when it comes to romantic situations. But there are moments. There are pure moments when something happens or I look at her & I can feel her patiently chipping away that coat of ice around my heart. It makes me nervous, but it also makes me happy. Nervous because I never want to be hurt like that again, happy because I know I'm worth more now then I ever way before because of it all. 

I still get dazed by the fact that she's with me again, that she came back, that she is so patiently working her way back in to the standing she was before. I just hate to keep a lady waiting. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Couples are jigsaw puzzles that hang together by touching in just enough points. They're never total fits or misfits.

Diane Ackerman, One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, A Marriage, and the Language of Healing, 2011

Not only is this a holiday of love but my birthday. I expect all  of the cupcakes today, haha. 

My love story? It's a rather dull thing due to all the reason I have put into it. All the words that I know to translate it from my head, to the world around me. 

It's hard to say weather I have been truly hurt or not I have been so guarded all my life because of how my father raised me, after all you can't have emotion to run a kingdom. That's treatery. I did feel though, because of Raven I felt more then the God's ever believed I could.

Then my father found out & destroyed that as he did anything else that he disapproved of. I looked for her for centuries & when I found her she had found someone else. Someone that I knew as well & I let her go. I did love her, still do to some extent, but when I let her go I realized she was no longer the Raven I had feel in love with as a young man, & I was no longer the man she needed to keep up with her next steps. As far as I know though we are still friends & hold each other in high standing, weather that is because of personal relations or because we are both political leaders of a country is questionable.

One of the main reasons she let me go & vise verse was because of her son. In Egypt...we had started something. Something dangerous but something none the less. This one is the most complected top for me honestly because I'm not sure what all happened. I'm not sure if the blame was on me or him. Or perhaps a combinations of both? After all, it takes two to tango. He was just a boy though, so perhaps it should fall on my manipulative shoulders. Everything I did for him though was true to my heart. It was never to get back at his mother or his father, it was never in spit of anything. That would go against my rules of being honest in a general sense. It would be just plan wrong to him in my opinion. Never-the-less we fell apart. 

In the middle of her son there was Alistar which was an even  bigger conundrum. He loved me, & I loved him very much in a strange way. He was my bestfriend & we would have been good together if there had been the chance, but I choice her son over him. I still have no reason for this, & I know it hurt him. It wasn't because I didn't care about him, or that Zane was a better option. It was just how it happened. The closest thing that I can come to for a good reason why I did this was so that I didn't hurt him more then I already was going to. I think there are fundamental parts of him & I that wouldn't work out but they are very hard to pin point. I don't think what I did to him was wrong, but it wasn't right either. When it came down to chose I chose Zane. 

Then they were both gone from my life because of two foolish, childish girls that didn't know how to respect others along with keeping their drama to their selves. In a flash I was alone with just my daughter & sister by my side. I left Cyran's life for a while so that we could both reconstruct ourselves.

When I came back there he was. Isa, the second person I have been engaged to in all of my lives. The one who waited for me to catch up with him. The one who puts up with me & my whims along with me babbling. The one that never complains & has more then the respect of my country, part of it's heart. He is also a most fabulous cook. 

He is my Valentine now, & until he says otherwise.

~Kradaonous Ravonos Codwell~

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity.

Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

I've only loved three people in all of my lives. (Or at least from what I can remember from them.)

The first one was when I was a small boy, the person who took care of me after I had been beaten, raped & who knows what else. (I go out of my way not to remember if I don't have to. ) He died though before I could grow up & tell him how I felt or even get better to talk more then a head nod here & a head shake there. I wasn't okay back then.

The next one was the women who was nice to me when no one else would be. When no one else tried to understand the way I was she heard me crying &, even though it was against ever rule of the temple, she walked about to me holding my hand as I got through my nightmares. I left the temple so I never had a chance to tell her, but she was too in love with someone else at the time anyways.

Then I met her by happens chance at one of my friends shows. She looked so out of place but like she was doing her damnest to fit in. She must have been dragged for sure. I watched her some then walked right up to her & offered a hand. 

She took it.

I lead her just out side of the club so she could get a breather from all the smoke & the sweat from the pit. I just quietly watched as she regained herself. 

"Thank you so much...um..." She looked a bit dazed. God was she cute when she did that. 

"Krade." I replied with an out stretched hand which she took yet again for a shake. 

"Well that's a nice name & it starts with the same letter mine does!" She perkily siad. 'Katie. I'm Katie Dalton."

I asked her out on a series of dates after that & we got married then she died I got revenge, then we ended up here. 

She made me so happy I don't know how to explain in words. There just aren't the right ones made yet. I can tell you, I no longer feel that way. 

She divorced me & hurt are two kids pretty badly & many other things happened. I found the temple girl again (Shanti) & that is my wife now. Then my Knight & Shining armor came back to me & is now my boyfriend (Justice.) I'm happy, I couldn't ask for anymore. My kids are great, I have two of the best lovers in the world. 

But I will always be jaded from before. I will never feel quite as purely as I did back then.

~Krade Degrick Cullen~

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

Iris Murdoch (1919 - 1999)

I fell in love, got hurt. He's still in the mental institution because of it then met my Jared, have 4 kids with another on the way & I am happily engaged. 

I don't have time for these stupid sap stories. I've fixed my problems & that's what counts.

~Emma Rose Cullen~

They wouldn't call it falling in love if you didn't get hurt somemetimes, but you just pick yourself up and move on.

Gregory Thomas Garcia, Elijah Aron, Jordan Young, Raising Hope, Cheaters, April 2011

My life is complected when it comes to love. It's had it's ups & downs along with so much else. But all of that would take to long to write up & I have said everything I have wanted to the people that matter. 

Who is my Valentine's this year? My children. 

Through all of my lives I have always wanted to be a mother & i have been a mother in each of them in one sense or another. So my love on this day goes out to my kids. All of the, because even in my death I never stopped loving you. I never stopped being there for you & I am still here for you now. If you need me all you have to do is call/message/text/come over. Which ever is easiest for you. You have all grown in such a wonderful way & I am more the proud of each of you. 

I love you all even if you no longer love me.

~Carolina Marie Sterling Ashmore~

There is always some madness inlove. But there is also always some reason in madness.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"

~Thomas Dalton~

Negative To Positive: I'm Finally Winning This Game Called Life

That's right, I did it. Yesterday I wrote my first forgiveness letter of the year, the hardest one too because you always get the hard ones out of the way first. I think though in preparing for it that it wasn't as hard as I thought it would be. It was hard reliving it though. Writing down what happened, letting myself feel all of those emotions again & dealing with them in a heather way then I had before. 

Before I had just pushed them deep down & ignored them because I didn't know what else to do with them. After all these years I have learned better ways to deal with things. So to let all the puss & gunk that was in it out I had to reopen the wound so it could heal properly this time, just leaving a scar behind. 

I did it. I let myself feel it without holding back. I didn't skip details. I thought about every word I wrote down & made sure that it was true to what happened in my mind, from what I could remember of what happened 3 years ago, so not to betray myself or my deity. 

I feel a crazy amount better now. I can still feel the wound there, but it's not something that is infecting me anymore. It's just something that happened in the past to make me who I am. I can either let it continue to effect me in a negative fashion, or I can move on with my head held high.

I am not afraid & this issue doesn't control me anymore.

I don't even have the immense urge to talk to this person for closure anymore because of writing that letter. I'm still curious as to why they say the things they say about me but it's no longer something that... plagues me. I can breath for the first time in a long time. 

It still hurts, just like any deep wound does & it will never stop hurting to some extent, but  it won't control me anymore. It will no longer take up such a large portion of my life because it's just....not worth it any more.

I will be 21 in less then 10 days & I can't have my past holding me back anymore. Not for what I am about to get into to make my future what I want it to be. People can say what they want about me, judge me, take jabs at me, anything else negative that they want but I won't let that change me or where I want to go. I won't let it rule my life as it has in the past. I know I am better then that, the people that matter know I am better then that, & the people that will matter will come to me in time. But other wise you have no effect one me, because I won't give it to you anymore. 

I wish them well in all that they do & will do. I send my blessing for them to take or not. 

Do unto others as you would wish them to do unto you. 

It's hard to be mad when you are this happy anyways. Because after I wrote this letter I came up with a project that could get me where I've always wanted to be in the photography world. It has given me something to work to that can make such a positive effect on the world that it makes me skin crawl with glee. 

I have decided Relic Photography as my business name & I may be brainstorming a tagline but the winner right now is "Capture the moment, you'll never get it back." I will be making cards as soon as I can get what I need for there to be the photo I want on the card. I'm looking into completions, letuers, workshops, exhibits, shows (venues), & so on in the are to get my name out there in the photography world. My Etsy shop should be up by the end of march. -Fingers crossed- I will be meeting with someone to build us a website for me as soon as we both have time to do so. 

My world is shaping up to exactly what I want it to be. I'm getting somewhere for the first time in my life, & I have goals in my sight that I can see what to do to get them in reach. Everything is looking so hopeful, so wondrous. There is more of a smile on my face then there is a frown. There is more happy in my life then there is anger.

I'm not angry. 

Oh man...I'm not angry.

This is part of the reason I am not going to write another letter on her to this person. This was something personal to do for me & though it involved them at one time it doesn't anymore. It hasn't for a very long time & I'm just figured it out yesterday. From what I understand, in their eyes they don't need forgiveness. Thy don't feel that they have done anything wrong. So putting something out there like that for them to find would be fuel for more drama then was needed before. It's just not worth it. It's a way for them to hurt me in new ways after finally healing the old wounds. 

I won't allow that to happen because that doesn't make sense to do that to one's self. 

I know that I have done it though & that's all that matters now. 

I am happy. That's what matters now.

~Cyran J. Harrington~