Love Stories

To love and be loved is to feel the sun from both sides.

David Viscott, How to Live with Another Person, 1974

This is the first time I have as a Valentine on Valentine's day & I don't think I can tell if it feels good or not yet. It's nice to know I'm not alone while everyone else it together, but it doesn't feel that different from any other day other then we get gifts from each other specializing in "love" & "how we feel" towards one another. Girlfriend & I do this everyday though. I know the importance of telling someone how you feel about them everyday. That you love them anyways, because you never know what is going to happen to them in a moments notice. 

For example my Cap'in got into a really bad car wreck one night when she was supposed to meet up with me. She could of died. Thankfully there is no long lasting damage.

It's things like that that make you really think. Really understand the word Love & how much effect it has on just about anything.

Three years ago I got hurt pretty bad by two people. I felt betrayed, hurt, sad, lost, confused...a variety of things that is hard to explain to someone on a good day. The result of this happening to me though was that I swore off love & anything like it. I stopped trusting people, I became angrier then I already was, etc. 

I'm not sure how many people I hurt in this time period but I know I did the best I could with what I knew/had. The love I had for people still showed through just in not so positive ways, because my love was so guarded, in this time though I still got hurt because I cared. It's all a bit complicated....

Three years later though one of the people who hurt me so much came back into my life. We had our 8th month anaversary on the 3rd of February & I don't think I've ever loved quite this much in my life. It's still a bit jaded, but no where near what it was before. I'm happier because of it too. I think everyone can tell as well.

Honestly, I don't think I will ever feel love as purely as I did in 2008, but I don't think it would be the same if I did. My love wouldn't be as strong as it is right now if it was the pure. It would have never changed to what it is now. I would never have become the person I am now. That is something to show love to in it's self. 

I still don't know where my love stands with Girlfriend because I have such a hard time accepting it when it comes to romantic situations. But there are moments. There are pure moments when something happens or I look at her & I can feel her patiently chipping away that coat of ice around my heart. It makes me nervous, but it also makes me happy. Nervous because I never want to be hurt like that again, happy because I know I'm worth more now then I ever way before because of it all. 

I still get dazed by the fact that she's with me again, that she came back, that she is so patiently working her way back in to the standing she was before. I just hate to keep a lady waiting. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Couples are jigsaw puzzles that hang together by touching in just enough points. They're never total fits or misfits.

Diane Ackerman, One Hundred Names for Love: A Stroke, A Marriage, and the Language of Healing, 2011

Not only is this a holiday of love but my birthday. I expect all  of the cupcakes today, haha. 

My love story? It's a rather dull thing due to all the reason I have put into it. All the words that I know to translate it from my head, to the world around me. 

It's hard to say weather I have been truly hurt or not I have been so guarded all my life because of how my father raised me, after all you can't have emotion to run a kingdom. That's treatery. I did feel though, because of Raven I felt more then the God's ever believed I could.

Then my father found out & destroyed that as he did anything else that he disapproved of. I looked for her for centuries & when I found her she had found someone else. Someone that I knew as well & I let her go. I did love her, still do to some extent, but when I let her go I realized she was no longer the Raven I had feel in love with as a young man, & I was no longer the man she needed to keep up with her next steps. As far as I know though we are still friends & hold each other in high standing, weather that is because of personal relations or because we are both political leaders of a country is questionable.

One of the main reasons she let me go & vise verse was because of her son. In Egypt...we had started something. Something dangerous but something none the less. This one is the most complected top for me honestly because I'm not sure what all happened. I'm not sure if the blame was on me or him. Or perhaps a combinations of both? After all, it takes two to tango. He was just a boy though, so perhaps it should fall on my manipulative shoulders. Everything I did for him though was true to my heart. It was never to get back at his mother or his father, it was never in spit of anything. That would go against my rules of being honest in a general sense. It would be just plan wrong to him in my opinion. Never-the-less we fell apart. 

In the middle of her son there was Alistar which was an even  bigger conundrum. He loved me, & I loved him very much in a strange way. He was my bestfriend & we would have been good together if there had been the chance, but I choice her son over him. I still have no reason for this, & I know it hurt him. It wasn't because I didn't care about him, or that Zane was a better option. It was just how it happened. The closest thing that I can come to for a good reason why I did this was so that I didn't hurt him more then I already was going to. I think there are fundamental parts of him & I that wouldn't work out but they are very hard to pin point. I don't think what I did to him was wrong, but it wasn't right either. When it came down to chose I chose Zane. 

Then they were both gone from my life because of two foolish, childish girls that didn't know how to respect others along with keeping their drama to their selves. In a flash I was alone with just my daughter & sister by my side. I left Cyran's life for a while so that we could both reconstruct ourselves.

When I came back there he was. Isa, the second person I have been engaged to in all of my lives. The one who waited for me to catch up with him. The one who puts up with me & my whims along with me babbling. The one that never complains & has more then the respect of my country, part of it's heart. He is also a most fabulous cook. 

He is my Valentine now, & until he says otherwise.

~Kradaonous Ravonos Codwell~

Sometimes when you look back on a situation, you realize it wasn't all you thought it was. A beautiful girl walked into your life. You fell in love. Or did you? Maybe it was only a childish infatuation, or maybe just a brief moment of vanity.

Henry Bromel, Northern Exposure, The Big Kiss, 1991

I've only loved three people in all of my lives. (Or at least from what I can remember from them.)

The first one was when I was a small boy, the person who took care of me after I had been beaten, raped & who knows what else. (I go out of my way not to remember if I don't have to. ) He died though before I could grow up & tell him how I felt or even get better to talk more then a head nod here & a head shake there. I wasn't okay back then.

The next one was the women who was nice to me when no one else would be. When no one else tried to understand the way I was she heard me crying &, even though it was against ever rule of the temple, she walked about to me holding my hand as I got through my nightmares. I left the temple so I never had a chance to tell her, but she was too in love with someone else at the time anyways.

Then I met her by happens chance at one of my friends shows. She looked so out of place but like she was doing her damnest to fit in. She must have been dragged for sure. I watched her some then walked right up to her & offered a hand. 

She took it.

I lead her just out side of the club so she could get a breather from all the smoke & the sweat from the pit. I just quietly watched as she regained herself. 

"Thank you so much...um..." She looked a bit dazed. God was she cute when she did that. 

"Krade." I replied with an out stretched hand which she took yet again for a shake. 

"Well that's a nice name & it starts with the same letter mine does!" She perkily siad. 'Katie. I'm Katie Dalton."

I asked her out on a series of dates after that & we got married then she died I got revenge, then we ended up here. 

She made me so happy I don't know how to explain in words. There just aren't the right ones made yet. I can tell you, I no longer feel that way. 

She divorced me & hurt are two kids pretty badly & many other things happened. I found the temple girl again (Shanti) & that is my wife now. Then my Knight & Shining armor came back to me & is now my boyfriend (Justice.) I'm happy, I couldn't ask for anymore. My kids are great, I have two of the best lovers in the world. 

But I will always be jaded from before. I will never feel quite as purely as I did back then.

~Krade Degrick Cullen~

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

Iris Murdoch (1919 - 1999)

I fell in love, got hurt. He's still in the mental institution because of it then met my Jared, have 4 kids with another on the way & I am happily engaged. 

I don't have time for these stupid sap stories. I've fixed my problems & that's what counts.

~Emma Rose Cullen~

They wouldn't call it falling in love if you didn't get hurt somemetimes, but you just pick yourself up and move on.

Gregory Thomas Garcia, Elijah Aron, Jordan Young, Raising Hope, Cheaters, April 2011

My life is complected when it comes to love. It's had it's ups & downs along with so much else. But all of that would take to long to write up & I have said everything I have wanted to the people that matter. 

Who is my Valentine's this year? My children. 

Through all of my lives I have always wanted to be a mother & i have been a mother in each of them in one sense or another. So my love on this day goes out to my kids. All of the, because even in my death I never stopped loving you. I never stopped being there for you & I am still here for you now. If you need me all you have to do is call/message/text/come over. Which ever is easiest for you. You have all grown in such a wonderful way & I am more the proud of each of you. 

I love you all even if you no longer love me.

~Carolina Marie Sterling Ashmore~

There is always some madness inlove. But there is also always some reason in madness.

Friedrich Nietzsche (1844 - 1900), "On Reading and Writing"

~Thomas Dalton~

Multiplicity Challenge

So I'm not sure how many of you actually know this about me but this is the reason my blog in mane what it is. Have fun. 

1. How do you communicate? (Do you ever hear each other’s voices? Do you ever talk to/with each other out loud? Do you ever leave notes for one another? Do you ever communicate without words (using images/feelings/colors/etc.)?) 

We actually do a bit of all of this to be honest, & it depends on the situation. Alot of the time now-a-days it’s by words that I hear them say. 

2. How do you find new members? (Do you find other members mostly through journaling? Or can you see and hear them?)

For the most part if just hear them, or feel them. Then their name just kind of pops comes to me.

3. How do you choose who wears what? Do you argue over clothing styles?

Oh god, all the time. The girls always have something to complain about (Mostly Emma @.@) & seeing how Kradonous wears Egyptian robe type things he finds them quite constricting. 

 4. How are decisions made in the front (consensus/majority rules/one person makes them/other)? 

It always has been, & always will be, whatever is best for the host. (Me, Cyran/Yuki) Because I am out the most so I will have to deal with the repercussions.

 5. Is knowledge shared equally or do some people have access to things that other people don’t? 

To the main on’s that front knowledge is shared but to those who aren’t out as much usually don’t know as much. It really depends. 

6. Can you remember things that other people in your group do? Are you aware of what happens in the front when you’re not there?

Yes, I don’t like not knowing what is going on with MY body so I know everything that is going on at all times (even if I trust them whole haretedly. ) it’s just not something I am comfortable with. 

 7. Do you remember dreams? Are they your own? Do you share each other’s dreams? 

I think there was one time that Krade, or Kradonous went to sleep in the body & I saw their dream but it doesn’t happen often, or at all really. They do tend to share my dreams though. 

 8. Do you all take responsibility when you wrong somebody as a group effort, more collective apology or do you expect the person who did the wrong to fess up? 

Do you mean to each other or to the outsiders? 

Either way, we all take responsibility for our own actions. 

9. Is there one in your group that stays in the body for more time than the rest? (How often do your primary front-runners change? How often do frontiers switch out? Is fronting a skill that has to be taught?)

The host stays out the most as it’s the host’s life & they are the main fronter. The rest come out at night (as that’s when the host is doing the least.) When they are asked for by someone, or if they want to enjoy something briefly (A cig, a song, or a movie maybe.) If the host can’t handle something they will come out too but that doesn’t happen as often as it used to. For the most part they just give advice if needed or asked for. Or witty comments. Depending on what is wanted/needed at the time. 

10. How do you parcel out time during waking hours between work, school, hobbies, and social commitments? Is it left up to whoever is in the front or do you plan it out? How do you balance money/space usage?

Space in a living space? The money that we make is all Cyran/Yuki’s so he decided how everyone uses it but he uses it mostly for what he needs/wants. We don’t plan anything in advance. It just happens when wanted needed. But host take first priority, & makes all the calls unless they are unable to do that at the time. 

11. Are there noticeable differences with who fronts? How can an outsider recognize a switch? How would I know whom in your group I’m speaking to? Do you announce yourselves? What’s the most polite way to ask who I’m talking to? What if I want to talk to (name) but (name) is out?

Yes, there is. For Kradonous it’s his accent or the way he speaks, he also is a king so his speech is MUCH different then anyone else. Krade has a deeper voice & (as of right now) is blind so he typically has his eyes closed, he also tends to be really cras but has a HUGE heart. For Emma, the voice goes up to a much more girly tone, she is super rude, holds nothing back & if she doesn’t like you god forbid because she won’t hold back. For Carolina (We call her Cali) she holds herself very up right, the voice go very soft & she is more of a mother then anyone will ever be. Those are the easiest to notice & the one’s that come out when in an emergency anymore. The rest you just kinda learn as you go.

If you want to talk to someone then just ask whoever is out to find them, or call for them if they aren’t their. If, for some reason, they can’t get to you we will pass a message to them & as soon as they can get to you they will. 

12. Ever have someone stuck at the front? What makes you get stuck here or home?

This happened a long time ago but it’s not longer an issue so I don’t have a good answer.

13. How do people compensate for not having their bodies out front (ex. not matching the body’s gender or appearance)? How does the physical body impact upon the consciousness? Particularly in cases where the gender or even species are different, does it have some profound effects on the way you’d interact with or view the world?

It honestly depends on who’s out at that time. Most of the guys just get over it & consider it an “adventure” (unless the body is doing that once a month thing) the girls just complain about how much they hate they body not being more…”girly.” Most everyone copes nicely with everything though.

14. What age range do you have in your system? Do younger or older front runners have a hard time not being in an age appropriate body? Do you have children/minors in your system? What, if any, restrictions do you place on their behavior, in-system and publicly?

The age range is crazy. I think our youngest (Right now) is 3? & the oldest is centuries old. Again, everyone copes pretty well. The parents control the kids in-system & the younger one’s just don’t come out in public to make thing easy for everyone. Doesn’t seem wise to let a 3 year old out to do whatever in a 21 year old’s body, no? Haha.

15. If you could call what you are something other than MPD/DID, natural Plural or Multiple what other term might you use? Or do you like one of the existing ones? Do you call yourselves a system?

We use Medium personally, but when we are not around people who believe in such things we say Multiple. Different people need different terms. We consider ourselves a system to a sense as everyone is in it for the same goal.  

16. How do you all decide how much of yourselves is public? Do you tell everyone that you’re multiple? Are you more comfortable around other multiples than around singlets?

We decide weather they are going to be someone who is going to be close to us or not & if they aren’t then we never mention it, but if we decide we want the to stay we let them know what’s up. If they stay, that’s great, if they go then it’s all good too. Everyone has their opinion & a right to it. We are comfortable around everyone, as long as they are willing to understand us.

17. How do you keep track of who is in your system?

We used to try & keep a list but now we just let who ever wants to be known known & who ever doesn’t fade away. The main one’s are turely the only one’s that matter for everyone sanity/protection.

19. When did you all realize you were a group? Have there always been several people in your body since birth?

We REALIZED it when the body was 16 but we have tracked it back to when the body was 5 or so. We think it’s been this way from birth honestly.

20. Did something “cause” your multiplicity? Do you believe in the medical model at all, for yourself or others?

We don’t see each other as “personalities.” The host sees everyone as spirits that “come to stay.” (Goes back to being a Medium.) I can’t talk for others but I do believe everyone is different. 

21. Tell me about your ideas on integration and separateness. How does it affect your worldview?

We can’t actually give you an answer to this at the moment. 

22. Does anyone in your household/group lose time?

No.

23. Does your system as a whole deal with other kinds of neuroatypicality? Do individuals? 

Yes, but that is not something we want to talk about. 

24. How are your memories stored (each person has her or his own/different people store different types/some are personal and some are shared by everyone/other/combination)? Who has access to memories (only the person there/only certain people/anyone they affected/need to know basis)?

We all a have a collective memory but when they are doing things that do not involve the body or the host then the others keep up with it on their own. 

25. Is anyone’s identity tied to the body? How do people whose self-identification does not match the body deal with it? Does anyone in your group use the body’s birth certificate name? 

The host is tied to the body but we can’t say it’s the same host the started with the body. there is a basis there but so much has changed since birth. The host only uses the birth certificate name for ligeal things but besides that they go by Cyran/Yuki. So does everyone else unless it’s not needed.

26. Do you have a group name? How did you get it?

Not yet, but we are thinking about one. We just have to come up with one first or if someone has any suggestions then we are more then willing to hear them.

27. How are relationships handled in your group? Do you have in-system relationships? Out-of-system relationships? Is the body functionally asexual, monogamous, polyamorous or something else?

As said before, the host relationship is the most important one of all. If someone from the system wants time with their other they ask & if there is time it’s given. It there isn’t then something is arranged for later or they go where ever to see them. The host likes open relationships to make it easier on everyone (Including them) but even in a monogamous relationship they would talk to their other & explain that they are not willing to close that of to anyone who wants body time for personal reasons.

  

28. Do you celebrate any birthdays? The body’s? Individuals?

The birth day of the body (Of course!) Then a few others. Kradonous’ is Feb 14th, & Krade is December 22. Sebastian’s is September…16th I believe & everyone else just kinda gets ignored. 

29. Any advice for someone who is trying to figure out if they’re multiple, or for a new multiple just getting to know their system?

If you have any question fill free to ask someone who has been multiple longer then you. They most likely can help more then anyone else & will be more then willing to. It’s always nice to know you aren’t alone. Also, make sure you get control of them before they get control of you. People will be able to tell & it will tear you apart in my experience. 

If you want to chat just let me know. 

AIM: Kradalicious

Skype: Kradalicious 

Ask me something here , or anyone else. 

Or E-mail me Cyranjharrington@yahoo.com

I am always up for answering questions, & so is anyone else here. 

Ordinary Boy, Broken Girl

We always have remembered it a bit differently haven't we dear? Then again we are very different people with different opinions about the world now aren't we? The world would be too dull if we were all the same. 

I had forgotten that it was raining that night...or perhaps I had chocked it up to the spray from the wave hitting the rocks below while I sit on the peer. Thinking back now...I know it was too high up for it to have been that. I could barely feel myself at that point though. 

I have no idea how long I had been sitting there when you came along. That scene had played over & over in my head of them being dragged away, the yells, the crying, the disappointment. I do not know how long it had been since I had eaten, slept, or drank anything...I remember the night before, or it could have been that morning, throwing up from crying so hard. My cloths were stained, ratted. My body was weak. My life was fading, it all seemed to right when it was happening. 

Everything I had lived for was suddenly ripped from me. To be taken to a better place because of my self loathing thinking I wasn't doing them right by keeping them feed in an abandoned warehouse when someone could be properly taking care of them. I still think it was the best choice I could have made for them...even if it did almost kill me to lose the only things I was living for. 

I wasn't thinking anything while I stood on the peer looking down at the sharp death that lay below covered by the serenity of water. I had been here many times. It was my place away from the world after all. My father showed me it before he died explaining to me that it was isolated from the world & could be mine if I wanted it. I mainly used to go out there to talk to him. For guidance, or personal time away from what life I didn't actually have.

That night was different though. 

That night I didn't know how I had arrived there or why. I felt nothing other then emptiness & heart ache. It honestly didn't feel like me in my own body ironically enough. Then there was suddenly a voice next to me.

"It won't be pleasant drowning once you hit those rocks." It said, male in origin, but kind & thoughtful. Like whoever it belonged to actual cared about this stranger looking longingly at the harsh landing below.

I didn't respond to him. I can't remember if it was by choice because I was hoping he would leave me alone, or just because if I spoke I would cry tears that I had none left of. It was silent for a while, I thought maybe he had left. "My names Dillion." He finally said again that same smile in his voice, "What's yours?"

Again he would be met with silence, but that didn't seem like it was going to stop him. 

"There's gotta be something worth living for that you can't see." He informed me. On a normal day I would have smiled & made a smart remark to him while conning him out of what money he had on him. But this time around...I shook my head & shrugged with less then a care in the world. 

"You cold?" Came another sympathetic question. 

I believe I sighed lightly nodding my head. If I was going to die on my own terms it was obvious it wasn't going to be that night. Not when someone was doing what they could to talk me out of it, or get me to come down. "I've got a a place near by so you can take a shower to warm up & some cloths you can borrow." 

He's hand was out stretched to me when I finally turned to look at the person who had been there for who knows how long at this point. I didn't take it as I swung my legs over to get off the rickety wooden peer. He promptly took the lead while I followed not bothering to remove the hair in my face.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Before I knew it I was in the warm shower, raising my body heat. The walk was as empty as the rest of the days had been lately. Wet, tasteless, heartbreaking. When I finally decided I had been in their too long I turned off the water, watching the dirty water run down the drain before stepping completely out. 

One of the first things I noticed on the counter was a sweater & sweater laid out for me, long enough to be a dress if worn correctly. I couldn't help to note how odd it was that there was clothing still there for me upon getting out when normal one of my sisters would take them from me in mid shower. The memory almost brought a smile to my face...almost. As quickly as it came though, it was gone...emptiness & stomach pains replacing it. 

I put the red sweater on moving at whatever pass my body willed me to, which was not quickly mind you, to where I heard him. 

I happened to be the living room. 

A blanket & pillow were already out for me. A hot cup of something was on the coffee table, along with some soup. He was back in the kitchen getting something else ready I assumed. Just as I stepped out from the corner he was entering again. "Umm..." He stummbled a moment. "I thought you might be hungry, & there's some tea there for you too."

I nodded lightly watching him as he stuck his hands in his back pockets awkwardly. It was the first time I had gotten a good look at him. I couldn't find anything to complain about at the moment anyhow. I moved slowly over to the couch sitting down gently, in front of the bowl. 

"It's rude to turn down someone's hospitality." My fathers voice rang in my head even then, but with the advice I picked up the bowl & started eating. I would never know how hungry I was until I finished the bowl rather quickly, I hadn't even noticed him sitting next to me until I put the bowl back down & realized he had eaten some too.

"Would you like some more?" He asked.

I shook my head no as I picked up the tea sipping it. It didn't take long after that for the exhaustion to set in.

"Tired huh?" He asked softly after a large yawn from me. "If you need me I'll be over there asleep, don't be afraid to get me if you need anything." He informed standing up stretching. "Good night." He smiled at me moving toward him room.

"My name is Carolina." I finally announced getting him to swiftly turn to face me one last time. "Cali for short." I was too tired to take note of the look on his face before situating myself on the couch.

"Cali..." I heard him trail off a bit. "It's a pleasure." If he said anything else though I didn't hear it.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I stay with Dillion for about a week before I had decided I had over stayed my welcome. When I started getting comfortable.

He was sweet, too sweet almost.

He would come home & greet me like he had known me for ages. Offer to make dinner though I had already made it. Lent me cloths though between the time I had arrived & the time I had left I had gone to the warehouse to get some of my own. The couch was comfortable enough & he offered his bad on more then one occasion. I said little that wasn't cryptic & not enough for him to figure too much about me out. The less people knew the better, in my opinion. 

I didn't mean to be there when he got home that day, but he got off early & didn't call to surprise me I assumed. 

"You're leaving?" He asked a sad tone to his voice.

I paused in my packing for a moment without turning around to look at him. "Yes." I answered continuing what I was doing.

"Oh..." It was almost a puppy whine it was so draped in disappointment, it made a part of me sick & the other a bit glad that someone felt something for me. "Without saying good bye?"

"I was going to leave a note." I answered as calmly as I could looking over my shoulder at him while sipping up my duffle. "I'm no good at saying good bye face to face." I offered a bit of comfort, as much as you could all it that. 

"I can understand that...." He said back moving about to get stiffly comfortable. "You have somewhere to go, or money?"

"I'll figure it out." I informed him while making last rounds to get things from the odds & ends of places. "Getting work won't be hard for me, never had a problem with it before after all."

"Take this then." He said holding out some money to me. "It should get you by for a bit." He told me a stern look in his eyes. 

I was never one to refuse free money. "Very well." I took the money shoving it in my bag before throwing it over my shoulder & heading toward the door. 

"Will I see you again?" He asked after me, his voice chasing for any sign that he meant something to me other then a place to get back on my feet for a week. 

I stopped before a stepped out the door, thinking. Going over & over weather he honestly would or not. Weather I would let him. "Most likely not. I've always wanted to travel." I answered him over my shoulder while I stepped out the door. "Good bye Dillion." I said with a smile that I hopped at least looked genuine. 

I didn't give him time to respond before I was gone.

Who knew that I would long for him so much after that that I would randomly call & hang up on him when he answered while staying with a man so that when he would call back, they would answer. I could blame it on them being jealous after riffling through my things.

We would talk for a bit before awkwardly saying good bye again.

I always wanted to go back. To say hi to him when I would see him on the street but him not see me. To go back to the peer in case he might be there to say hi & see what happened after that.

But I couldn't bring myself to ever actually do it. You may call me a coward cause I was that...I just didn't know how to receive love from a man that wanted nothing in return.

It scared me.

To I went back to doing what I did best, conning them. Selling my body to them to live. You could have almost called me a love slave if you wished, or a mistress depending on how you look at it....

But I never forgot that ordinary boy that cared about me not for my body...but because he actually cared. 

Now it's my turn to do the same.