Fuzzy Wazzy Was A Bear.

Or is a bear depending. For me, was, is the correct word usage.

I have been in my apt for a week now & it is the first time I have lived somewhere without a fuzzy (an animal for those of you who have not spent much time around me) & I dislike it more then I can tell you. I never realized how much they helped me or how much I loved them I suppose. Perhaps I depended on them too much? But I don't think so. 

I love coming home to something waiting for me there without having to worry about where I stand with it. They love me & want me there no matter what. It bothers me that I feel I have to walk on egg shells around everything in my life right now. I need a stable loving relationship & that's what my fuzzies were for me. They would miss me if I was gone, they would love me when I came home, & they would always wait for me. (That makes it sound like I have a god complex or a controlling complex or something.) 

I just miss always having something stable there. Everything else is always fluxuating & I never know where I stand in relationship but I always knew I could come home to something stable. I had something somewhere loving me no matter what. If they ran off it wasn't because I treated them wrongly but because I did not keep them safe enough to not run away. Somehow they would find their way back though. It's a blind pure love that you can only seem to get from pets. 

I just want something to come home to that I don't have to fight with, that will always keep me company, that will love me no matter what I do, & still have a personality of it's own. I like my animals. They help me more then I can tell anyone. 

Maybe I am just desparet for something & I'm feeling it with that. But I don't like coming home to something empty, where I feel alone. I like company. I like being near living things.

I just want my fuzzies back. 

~Cyran J. Harrington.~

Sad Realities

• You are born with a death centence. 
• The only one who will/can constantly make you number one is yourself. 
• Living in the moment is great but today will effect tomorrow so you must think of the future as well.
• Money may not be everything but in this day & age it sure is a hell of alot unless you just enjoy living on the streets. 
• You will always be judged by the cover.
• People would rather talk about the newest T.V. show then anything that could actually help the world. 
• Someone will always be manipulating you.
• Pain comes with trust.
• Love & sex are gotten confused more often then not. 
• Guns don't kill people, people with gods & guns kill people.
• Being told to "Get over yourself" is the best advice you will ever get from anyone.
• The little things in life are more important then the big but because they are little we can't see them very well thus you will most likely be sad rather then happy.
• It's not about where you are going it's about how you get there.
• Everyone you have around you will most likely have a problem with you without telling you about it at sometime or another.
• People would rather fight wars then talk things out like adults

Those are just the one's I can think of off the top of my head. I'm pretty sure i came up with more but can't remember them right off the bat. Anyways, where they are. My somewhat sad realities of life.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Another One Bites The Dust

So at of 8/18/2011 I have my own place with two roommates (which I guess wouldn't be my "own place" but still!). I pay my own way here no one to tell me what to do or use living situations against me for the first time in my life & all though this is stressful at least I know I have a fighting chance here! I can fight for what I want without having to worry about people using rent or something like that against me, or them controling me with it which is more wonderful then anyone can imagen. If the price for freedom is 400 dollars a month I will pay that in a heart beat then go back to what I had.

Now just to get unpacked & settled in before we have a house party to welcome ourselves & our friends! It's quite exciting. 

So my mother will be homeless in 3 weeks to 7 weeks depending on a few things but I've seen this coming for sometime now. I've known since I moved out that something like this is going to happen. I did it anyways though cause she has to learn.

I've pretty much decided to play tough love with her. I will be there for her as much as much as I can but not much more then that. I've seen this coming for a while once I moves out & she had choices to make to do better now which she didn't make. Now it's time for her to live with them. 

I can not take care of her & myself right now. There is no way I can have her move in with me & no way am I giving her money. She can find her own way finally. I hate that I can not pick her up as she is falling or catch her seeing how she has done it for me so many times now but that was her job. When she adopted me she agreed to take care of me when every she can. She hasn't done this for a while now & it's not my job to take care of her. I was serious when I said I would put her in a home when she got old. I won't do to myself what she did to herself even if it is the only way to live "easy." I will do everything in my power to make life the hard way because the easy way just never gets you places with as much knowledge. Plus, it's not where you end up. It's HOW you get there.

She is starting to realize what she did wrong & break down that wall of her's. But she's going back into her alcohol & weed to solve her problems which bothers me more then most know. I will not watch it though. These are her choices. She has to learn from them because I already have. I am better for it now. If she wants my help she will ask & I will tell her why I can't help her. After that it is her choice to either "fix" herself so that I can help her some or she will go on her destructive way again. We will see.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

All Bad Things Come In Threes

I suppose it started after A-kon this year.

Not too long after A-kon 22 I had to put my cat of 15 years to sleep. It was hard but he was old & there was nothing more we could do for him here. I said my good byes & cried for him, I still miss his obnoxious meow 24-7 but...these things get easier with time. I don't think of it as much as I did when it first happened.

You just move on I suppose. There's not much else you can do. 

Then last week...Sage, my ferret who had just turned a year old, abruptly passed away. He was alive when I left for work...then when I came back he just wasn't anymore. There are a few different reasons for this according to the vet but the one that is helping me cope is a birth defect that caught up to him. I decided not to get an autopsy done because it would not help anything. It would just give me something to blame & that would help no one as the people around me did nothing wrong either. They loved him to & hurt just like I am. It seemed pointless to make them hurt more for my selfish reason of needing to know.

My friends & girlfriend helped me through it this though I am still getting used to the idea that he is gone. I miss him & he wasn't supposed to be gone for another 6 years at least....I just don't understand it. I don't understand how something so amazing can just be gone in a blink of an eye...

I will never understand why & how it can hurt so much.

There has been one more death that actually happened just today...

My Grandmother of 94 passed on after me waiting for it to happen for so long. I woke up scared everyday hoping I wouldn't find her dead & it wasn't because i was worried for her...but I didn't want to end up on the streets...

I feel horrible for this reality but she has supported my mother & I for many years now & I never got the chance to really know her before the old people's desiges set in so all I had to go off of was how my mother treated her which was no where close to well. She yelled & screamed at her the majority of the time for no reason other then to make her a personal punching bag because it was the only thing she could control. Looking back on it makes me wish that I had actually done more for my Grandma not because I was her Granddaughter but because she deserved what every human did & god knows the last part of her life she didn't get it.

She should have been taken to a doctor weather she wanted to go or not.

She should of been put in a nursing home even earlier then that. 

She should have been somewhere safe.

But my mother has a god complex & can't seem to understand that at part way to 60 she should be fending for her fucking self. I am sorry I did not fight more for my Grandmother as a human but I fought with my Mother for everything else that I suppose I just didn't know how to fight for my Grandmother. I should have called APS for her & maybe she would be here now but I just couldn't do that to my mother even though it needed to happen for my Grandmother's well being. Now I can't tell if I was wrong or right for this. I have my reasons but was my selfish fear really more important then a human's well being?

I honestly couldn't tell you.

Now my Mother has to desperately find somewhere else to live & hope to hell she can get money after that. I've given her some options as to what to do. In her own living room I looked at her & told her that I was trying to get her to look ahead for years now & all I got was yelled at for it. That I knew this was going to happen not too long after I moved out. She just bowed her head in shame & as mean as this sounds...it felt fucking fantastic to know that she knows I'm fucking right & can do nothing about it. She has truely lost everything now. All she has is her animals & it is her own damn fault.

She has done so well at letting her self pitty push everything else away that she is left with nothing but animals that are forced to love her because they do not know any better. 

I feel bad for the animals.

Now I have a new moral delima...

Do I help my mother or leave her to dry?

The spittful part of me wants to force her on a tight rope only to watch her fall back to the pits of disrepair where she seems to be so comfortable in.

Then the other side of me wants to help her because falling down is never fun & she helped me out in any situation I was in as much as she could at the time. It always came with an emotional damaging price but she helped somehow none the less. I also hate that she will tell all of her "friends" or any body who will talk to her what a horrible daughter I am for not leaping through any hop I could for her & they will believe her before they ever consider talking to me to get my side of the story.

It makes me sick that people will look at me & talk negatively about me before even knowing me. They will also look at how I am dressed, my life choices (being trans/gay, pagan, & anime lover) & assume the worst about me. Since when the fuck was that okay? 

People anger the shit out of me you have no idea.

In all of the madness I also am getting my apt together with my two roommates which is slightly driving me up the wall but at least in about a week or two I will have a place to call mine again. I will be paying all my own bills & there is not a damn thing anyone can control me with anymore. It's going to be fan fucking tastic, but on the other side this also means working mad hours at my job until I start with the fair, the it's the hunter house, then it's seasonal time again. After mid January I will be looking for something a bit more stable then that for an official second part time job.

I may not be going to school this semester/year but I am going to be hella busy. It will be nice though as I will have little time to worry too much about other oddity things. My girl & I will also be trying to do two vending events this fall/winter if we can ever actually sit down & talk it all out. Somehow we see each other every day & have yet to do this. 

We will see. 

All in all, I'm stressed as hell. I feel like a chicken with my head cut off most of the time though I am mostly sitting on my ass. It's mainly my mind going round & round with things. Worrying mostly, about this that & the other. The three deaths have gotten me pretty troubled as well. Literally my biggest fear happened around me 3 times in the last 3 months.I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with that.

I think the thing that bothers me the most is that I can't just stop for a bit to deal with it all. I have to numbly keep going & hope to Ra that I don't break at an inconvenient time. Because even though something major has just happened in your life you have to smile & keep going because the world keeps turning. Nothings going to stop just because something tragic happened to you. No one cares. 

For instance when I explained to my boss today that I was worried about my grandmother dying she looked at me & said "There will always be something to worry about." Honestly, I felt like screaming at her because if it was her she wouldn't of had to come in. But I thought it wasn't fair to leave them hanging like other's have in the past & because I am there I get the "well whatever" treatment. I could have lost it. I think a death in the family is a damn good reason to be a little out of it thank you very fucking much. 

I'm so angry about this too. 

Also, did I mention that this was the worst time ever to try & quite smoking? Well it was.

I'm angry.

I'm stressed.

I'm upset.

& all I feel I can do is blog about it.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Thought Full Mind Of A Beating Heart

This past Satuerday night I had a wonderful time with a frined going to an artist vending event called "Girls Show." It was the best time I had had in a very long time to be honest & it sparked something in me. Something I had forgotten about so long ago after I started ignoring what I really wanted in life because every time I seemed to get close to what I wanted I got shot down & hurt again so I would just let it go. Which wasn't fair to me at all, nor to the people that would enjoy my work.

I haven't  missed Photography so much in a long time. I was itching ot be behind a booth sailing my most prised peices to people who would hang them up to enjoy them as well.

This got me started thinking about why I had givin it up along with many other passions of mine.

I gave up photography to just be a hobby instead of a carrier choice because of how expensive it is & how much it would not get me somewhere in the time I wanted to be that place. A nice place of my own that I could afford & pay all of my bills. I wasn't going to be able to get on the cover of  National Geographic by the time I was 25 cause of how many other things I had on my plate & so I just stopped. Once again money was the biggest issue in my world so I put down something I loved & had such a passion for because of that green shit. Because only people with money get places.

There is one other passion of mine that I gave up so easily & I will never forget how bad I felt for it. How I long to have it back in my life but just haven't figuered out how yet...NOt at this age anyways. It's soccer. I can not convay to anyone how much ithurt to give that one thing up at 17 because of the people at my school causing me so much self-esteim problems from it. People who I had been better then for YEARS playing the game were on varisty when I was stuck on JV & looked down on constently because I didn't fit their perfect little fucking image. Because I questioned them instead of following their little rules like the solider I was supposed to be at that age. God forbid I have a mind of my own. God forbid I don't fit in a box.

Sad to say my self-esteim dropped to amazingly low levels as I was degrated by year after year & I finally got a job. So I chose between the two...I chose the money. Because that seemed more important at the time & safe for my broken self. So I gave up something that I had been doing for the majority of my like (8 years) because I just couldn't do it anymore.

Even at 20 I miss it so much that it brings me to tears & I want desparetly it back into my life but at my age there is not alot of places to play.

But photography is something I can take care of now & with this break comeing from school for me I think it is a perfect time to set my life up for it again. I believe I have the right support group for it too this time instead of people telling me not to live my life through a camera. I am also stronger then I was before to tell them to shove it & that they don't understand.

If you want to get any where in photography you literally see everything through it no matter what. You are constaently clicking away having to remember to stop & breath while every once in a while in anticapation for when you get home to look them over. It's something that is consently on your mind. If you don't understand that then I don't need you in my life.

Anything that is worth it isn't easy after all.

It's about time I start proving that to myself.

It's time I get back into what I love to see where it takes me rather then running away because it might poise a challeng for me.

Now if only I could get that battery charger.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Beauty in the Breakdown

...For the longest time I have been avoiding this but I think it's time I finally say the things I've wanted to say for so long but thought it was wrong for me to say because I didn't have the right to. I have figuered out though that I have just as much right as anyone else. It has taken so long to figure it out but...I have & damnit I 'm going to say what I need to now cause the only person I am hurting by not saying it...Is me.

I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of hiding. I'm tired of being scared every time I do something in case I anger someone else. I'm tried of thinking that everything I do will cause someone harm because of the past. The past is in the past & there is nothing I can do to change it now. So it's time I let it lay there in piece for the first time ever. Now I know that it will always bother me somehow & I have learned from it, but perhaps it won't bother me as much.

Katie Dolton. The first women who got a hold of mt heart after everything that had happened. I loved her so much. I changed everything for her. Mostly my way of life & god was she worth it. I was so happy...I lost her. After that nothing was ever the same. Then we found each other here. I still had that ring. I still loved her with all of my heart. But I had forgotten so much in the time from then to now. I had gone back to dealing with my emotions at the end of a needle & doing the stupidest things to make sure everyone was amused without a care in the world. 

Was it right? No.

Was I thinking? No.

Did I hurt her because of what I did? Yes.

Did I do it on purpose? God no...

I would have died for that girl. I would have done anything in my power to make her happy if someone had just talked to me. If someone would have just given me the time of day. If she had just told me what she was feeling...what she had going on inside her mind. 

But I wasn't worth that...I apparently wasn't worth alot of things as people blamed me for everything that had happened & left my side one by one. But it was in a mass group rather then a piece at a time. Telling me how my actions caused her to go to a mental instaute. How I made her so depressed she wanted death. 

Did anyone consider my side of the story? I want to say no but it's hard to tell. 

I was going through so many withdraws that all I remember is the pain of being alone & wondering how it had come to this again. What I had done that was so horrible that I was left to rot once more. 

Did anyone know that I was close to death myself? Did anyone care? The only thing that stopped me was my Dear Sweet Baby Girl Emma Rose Cullen walking by my door to make me realize I wasn't alone, though I felt so much like it as a shook by myself while throwing up day after day. I was hurt, angry, upset & no one to catch me this time but the site of something that was partly me. I owe her so much for that. 

If I had done what I was going to do that night I would not be married to the most wonderful women in the world. I would not have more children then I can count or get to see any of them grow any. I would not have been able to do anything I have from then to now & I would have hurt so many more in the procces. 

I didn't whore myself back then because Katie wasn't good enough. I did it to keep food on the table & a roof over our head so she didn't have to worry about it. I had rules & it was nothing I was proud of. But it was steady work with good pay & with a baby on the way we needed it. I was ashamed to ask her to get a job to help so I didn't have to do that because it was so looked down upon for women to do that which meant they would get shit about their husbands not being good enough & what a louse pick made. I wouldn't put her through that...& I don't think I could of handled being looked down on like that.

But she never told me she wanted to work either or that she didn't mind. She kept her mouth shut as well & I know she has her reasons just like I had mine but everyone has listened to her's where I was just blamed for her state. What made that okay without getting my side of the story huh? What gave anyone the right to throw me under the fucking bus with only one fucking side?

This wasn't fair. 

I know life isn't fair but I personally think this was way to one sided to even say that to. 

I've gone over the situation many times & I know where I made the first mistake, trusting Elaina to keep her mouth shut. I told her I had whored myself & when I got to talk to Katie again one on one I was going to tell her & talk to her about it myself because I knew our marriage was rocky at that point. She promised me she wouldn't tell but I guess promises never meant anything to her because she told Katie that day they all went to six flags for Katy Perry. 

It was all down hill from there. 

The divorce papers came...

& the next person I talked to was Justice. I still have the log where he told me what had happened. How he explained to me that Katie wanted to kill herself & was now with Dillion, not only seemed to betray me but his wife's dear sister Carolina. I can see the man I had put so much faith & love in beaming over how he was hurting me at the time & it still somewhat makes me sick but I try not to think about it. As far as I know doesn't remember doing this either, which I'm not sure weather it's better or worse. 

I'm not sure what was worse, losing Katie & being blamed for all her problems or the man that had always promised to be there. That my foundess memory as a child was dressing in women's clothing & putting on make. Going up to him & telling him I was going to be his wife when I got older. I was silly, young, & foolish but the memory is cute & held truth at the time. 

I've never been one to do emotions half ass after all. You either have my heart or you don't. 

Sear, Nick, & Spider never contacted me besides by the picture that was sent to us of me & Katie with many angry writings on it from most everyone about what I did to her. 

Garrick was another one that was hard though somewhat more expected. "I do not consider you a student of mine anymore." After doing so much to get where I wanted to be. I righted that though. So it's not as be as a let down as it could have been through the years. 

After so many nights of them all gone I hear that it is my fault that Katie had HIV. 

I think this was the last straw for me. I just finally stopped caring. I considered our "friendship" gone & nothing left to be salvaged from anything we had before. How does one blame someone for giving them something they don't have?

I just stopped.

I left it all behind though it was still with me to some extent. I don't think I stopped loving her until recently to be honest. But I don't have the time to waist on the thoughts anymore. It's over & done. 

End of story. 

I will never forget it but I don't have to keep a constant reminder of it around in my thoughts.

This is my good bye to it. 

To the anger, to the pain, & to the constant memory.

Let go.

~Krade D. Cullen~

Know How Long

Recently I have been thinking quite a lot. Probably more then I ever should think but it's something that has been meaning to happen with everything that has been going on in my life. Honestly, I have been going through it just as I needed to at the time. Putting just the minimum amount of thought into the procces as I can because it seemed to taxing to do anything else then that. I know I have been lacking here though. I think it all started when I was blind sided by the eviction from my house that I had been in since I was 13. 

I had been expecting the notice for god knows how long just because the shape the house was in & how my mother always seemed to be behind, but when it stared me in the face it was a whole knew story. Suddenly my world was not so simple anymore. It wasn't just "go to school, work, & survive when you got home." it turned it to just "survive" because that day when my mother screamed at me how she just "couldn't do it anymore" trying to blame it on my again was a major wake up call for me. "Get out."

I knew it was time I did this right. I couldn't handle taking care of her anymore. She is my mother after all not my child. As I have been saying for the last, Ra knows how long, "If I wanted a kid I would have had one damnit." But I haven't. I've wanted nothing more then to live & have fun in my youth. I've never wanted kids as I grew up. I would still like a younger sibling but it seems that I have obtained that over the past few months & man do I love that girl, she called me sissy too which just made my heart weak. Over all though that is what this move has been about.

When I was 18 I believe that I made a long term agenda goal chart & I think I still have it somewhere though I would have to hunt for it. I do remember that the first one was "Have my own place by 20." I am starting to think that that list was more magic then I had thought it would be. I am overly glad though. It is time for me to get out of there after all. I am 20. Have had a stable job for 4 years, going on 5. Have gone to college with my own money working my way through the system by myself because my mother has no idea how. I have made my own way with little of her help though I can't say that for others. She has been an emotional inhibitory for me for years & you have no idea how good it feels to be free of that. To know that I don't have to come home because someone is holding something over my head to make me but because I want to. Cause it is home for me. Not something I have to do just be okay. I will be on my own with nothing holding me back. 

I've never felt more free. 

But at the same time it has taken another toll on me that I can't help but be mad at her for. I'm not going to be able to go to school this semester. I do know that this is my choice & shouldn't have animosity towards her but I can't help it. If she had her shit together for the last god knows how long then maybe I would be where everyone else is, or what it seems most are. Off at a big college where I have a full ride scholarship in soccer studying photography as my major, going to England next semester. I would have an Ipod, or nook, or new laptop, or all the gaming systems that I want along with the games. You have no idea how much it bothers me to know that if she just had her shit together then I could be somewhere else in the world right now. If she would have followed the agreement to take care of me when she signed my papers when adopting me then I could be somewhere different. But I'm not. 

I know it is not all her fault, cause it takes two to tango...but it still doesn't mean it doesn't hurt or bother me to no end. I can explain to no one how angry it makes me when they are like "LOOK LOOK LOOK" & I'm like. "That's nice. Now if you excuse me I have to go work my ass off to live. You mind?" It makes me want to scream. I have had to change my major because of my mother because Photography will not pay the bills until much later in life & I just can't afford it right now. I need something quick & easy to get me going to get to my dream. But I have to ask why? Why is it that so many others are blessed with so much when it always feels like I'm doing good if I can keep my head above water? I will never understand what I did wrong.

On the other side of this I will use all of this rage to fuel me to get where she never will be. As if to prove that though she has lost I can still win & maybe give her some joy in the process to know she has not completely fucked me up. I will go about life the best I can with nothing holding me back. I will take it one step at a time & live every moment like I don't have another. I will do everything I can to get what I can out of this life & hope I have learned what I needed to to get to the next one. 

I am strong.

I am powerful.

I have a roar that will knock you over & I plan on using it for the first time in a very, very long time.

Which brings me to the next part of this little rant...since when was it okay for people to try & manipulate others to get what they thought was right out of a situation?

If it's not your situation the stay the hell out of it. Be there if someone needs you to be to listen but only give advice if asked, in my opinion. I don't rant to people to get advice cause I most likely have already thought of that advice myself, I go to people so they can see that I am frustrated with something & make me laugh about it. I will ask for your advice if I am desparet enough but others wise I just need to get things off my chest so that I don't explode. I mainly talk to get my emotions out, not to be met with "Well do this this & this." That just tells me you want me to shut the hell up. IT's frustrating.

Also, if you don't like something that someone is doing then you are more then welcome to tell them but honestly I don't believe it is your place to try & maneuver the situation so that it boils down to what you want. I am a capable dacision maker so why the hell did people go behind my back to try & get someone else to stop what they were doing to make me "chose." Pardon the rudeness but...YOU FUCKING DON'T. I don't need any help from anyone else & neither do the people I am involved with. If I want to have sex with one person while dating another then there is nothing wrong with that & if you have a moral problem with it then you can sure let me know, just know that it doesn't matter to me.

My morals & everyone else morals are very different but they are mine & seeing how it didn't involve anyone who was interfering then they should keep their noses out of it. I'm not going to go behind your back to fuck with your life so why would you do that to me. If you are making a mistake like I think you are you will either learn from it or not without my help. Everyone grows at their own rate. I also know that people will have a moral problem with the stance I am taking right now. BUt it causes so much less drama to stay out of the middle of shit that does not involve you then in the middle of it. Getting in the middle of things causes many many problems & that I just don't need. If people need me or want me to get in the middle of it they are more then welcome to ask me to other wise I am out of it. 

I know what is mine & what is yours & this is where I will stand. 

~Cyran J. Harrington.~