The Good, The Bad, & The In-between.

Since you heard from me last I have been up on stage at The Open Stage, gone to A-Kon handing out about 200+ business cards, gone to a new Egyptian based circle that I plan on attending again in the future, have began cooking more at home to eat out less, on my 4th week of summer camp, & have learned so much more about the world then I can begin to explain. 

Getting up on Open Stage was quite a whim but, as you all know, I have been wanting to do that for quite a while now. There was a small audience due to other happenings in the area so I took my chance when I could. It. Felt. Great. The best part is that I want to do it again but with something much more light hearted. I originally wanted to read off the poem I had written not to long ago I Have Died but I'm not too comfortable  getting up in front of people & reading something I haven't memorized due to my Dyslexia. I would rather not make an ass out of myself my first time on stage at a place I would like to be respected for who & what I am. So I went up & talked about something that was much closer to my heart. The good times & how we need to remember them more then the bad because they will get you through no matter what. Because the reason I am a photographer is because of the good times. Because of this one photo that I always remember seeing that has been burned into my mind now of a photograph of my mother & I at our first house front yard smiling like nothing else matter. It's the best memory I have sometimes. Of my mother & I. seeing how we don't exactly get along now. 

I guess you could say it's my personal creation story to my business, if that makes sense.

When I go up on stage next I think I am going to get everyone to do a summer camp song. Should be fun!

A-Kon...every year I saw after the passing weekend that it takes place I say that next year that "I'm not going next year!" but when time comes...there I am. Standing there wondering what the fuck is wrong with me to keep me coming back. This year it was all business though. 

I handed out 200+ business cards this convention to everyone that I took a photo of in Cosplay & since A-Kon my business' Facebook page has 17 more so likes then it did before & it's still counting! I'm I have a bit of the photos I have edited up from A-kon but I'm no where near done with them all. I actually have about 200+ photos to still edit after three different files dumps. We will see what happens when I get them all done. I am hoping to have 100+ likes by the end of it & have a big client base in the Cosplay world. The other exciting thing about A-kon was that I was on press staff! One of the people that volunteered got sick & wasn't able to make it, so I was given the spot. The lighting arrangement in the Sheraton was a challenge with no other light source, I know I did my best with what I had though & I will get the best results that I can out of them. Next year will be better for sure in that area!

I will be doing the same thing at A-fest with my business cards as well! Anytime I take someone's photo I hand them a card. Then more people will come to me for their photo needs! It would be even more amazing to be invited to a con as a photographer. That is a long ways off though. 

The last day of Kon however, was not so pleasant. 

Saturday night Girlfriend & I were getting ready to go to the rave when I received a text from a mutual friend of my ex-roommate & I saying that she needed to talk to me ASAP, she had something on her chest she needed to get off about ex-roommate that impacted Girlfriend & I in a big way. Girlfriend finished getting ready after we both kinda rolled our eyes at it thinking that it was the ex-roommate pulling shit again & strutted our way down to meet Mutual friend. 

Needless to say, when we got there, it wasn't the ex-roommate pulling crap. Mutual friend told us that she had stolen 300+ dollars from the dealers & that she had been barging about the things that she had stolen from me along with purposefully over charging me on rent because "I don't like her." Needless to say I was not okay. I CAN NOT wrap my mind around that. Doing something like that to someone because you simply "don't like them"... You know what? I don't fucking like you either but I would never over charge you on things that you couldn't afford to begin with. I would never go into your personal space & take things that didn't belong to me because I wanted to "get back at you" or what every. The only reason I can that that she doesn't like me is because I didn't do exactly what she wanted me to at one point & pushed away from her. I had other things in my life besides her & she didn't fucking like that. 

Needless to say I am still fairly angry & upset by this because I just don't understand it. I don't understand the though process, or the actions of it. I don't understand how you can live with yourself knowing what you can you have that isn't fair, or right to others. 

We tried to make something happen that night to get her booted out, but we had to wait until the next morning. By the end of it all, from what I know, she is now black listed from A-kon AND Ikki-con. We are also going to take actions at AnimeFest when we go this year to make sure this doesn't happen again. 

After all of this though I will say that I have gotten a much large back bone. I don't put up with much of anything unless I HAVE TO for some reason. I've even stopped putting up with things from Girlfriend. 

Sunday was also the day that Girlfriend's ex decided to cause whatever drama she wanted. It has finally gotten Girlfriend to agree not to talk to her at all anymore which makes me more then beyond happy, but that's another story for another day. 

The summer camp job is going over swimmingly! I love being with the kids & having such a strong influence on their life. I love walking into the buildings in the morning & have 5-10 different kids run up to me screaming my name while telling me how much they missed me. Even the camp songs are pretty awesome! It's all a joy, though the main boss is still a pain (the one above my site director.) but I only have to deal with her once in a while, so it's not so bad.

My most recent holiday was Midsummer in which Bitfrost is celebrating today, but last night I went to a circle that I had been trying to go to for MONTHS now & it finally all lined up. I loved it. I made some new friends & it was Egyptian based. They also do full moon circles with I am excited to attend in the next months. Today I am actually acting as High Priest of Bitfrost & calling down the sun energy then giving it to the circle. One BIG step for me. Here's to having the faith that I don't fuck it up. 

Over all I am well~ish..I am taking some me time out of life to get some of my personal internal issues settled after A-kon's drama. (You can never get away from it free.) I may post up a story or too soon once I get a clear vision of what I want in my head. It will be a Kradonous story because his thoughts just don't sound good written like a journal. 

Hats to you until then.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Relic Photography, Memories Fade, but Photos are Forever.

Busy busy busy, what is what I have been really. I honestly shouldn't be taking my time out to write this but I feel like some me time now & again is a good thing. 

Business is good but not as good as I want it to be. Mainly my friends are the one's paying for photoshoots, which I beyond appreciate but I want to get gigs from people that look at my stuff & just think that it's that good that they would be willing to pay my price for it. I honestly think the price I am telling people it's bad at all for what they are getting. 75 dollars for a shoot, they usually last 1 hour or an hour & a half depending, I usually come out with about 300+ photos. I go through them pic out what shots would be best to edit, I usually get about 40-50 depending, then I spend about 5 hours editing (sometimes more). This bundle also comes with a free CD of any photos that I have edited with no watermarks. If someone is a close friend I drop the price for them or we work out something that is in their price range. If the customer wants prints it does cost extra due to having to resize the image, order it then drive to pic them up. I'm still working out price ranges for print packages though. 

I feel as though my work is quality even if I don't have all of those fancy things other people have. I just don't have the money for them right now & when I do I will be buying everything I need as I can afford but getting there is the hard part. The thing that I am looking at most right now is the Nikon D5100. It's a beautiful camera & something I need to upgrade to. It has a 100-6400 ISO & either 16-20 megapixels, there are a lot of other functions to it as well but those are the main ones I look at when I look at camera sections. I have found it as cheap as 700 right now & after my first check from working at summer camp (if things go my way) I will be the owner of it. This doesn't mean my D40 is going to just sit on a shelf. It will take me a while to get used to all the new functions for the new D5100 so I will still have my D40 out & about for a while until I get a chance to play with my new one until I am comfortable with it. 

If anyone reading this blog would like to check out my work then see my page at Relic Photography. This is as professional as I can afford right now but it has served me well so far, I look forward to it serving me for a bit longer until I get a stand alone site up. I kinda want to go out & hawk my camera abilities on a street corner like they do at the ren fairs, "Come come & see a magic trick of me freezing a moment in time for your viewing pleasure for the rest of eternity. Know that while you buy a shot or any photo from me then you are helping me towards making the moments I capture of you better & better." Who knows if it would sell anything or not. I'm sure I can come up with much wittier lines if I truly wanted to but that was the first thing off of my head. 

Lets see...this week I have to finish up a shot of my friend from Friday, then start on the photos from Scarbi on Saturday, & then I may have a shoot today for a friends mom with the kids & then tomorrow is Open Stage. I feel like I have to have all of this done by then end of the week too. My life will be much less crazy when I get caught up in all of my editing. It's happening slowly but surely but I need it to happen a bit faster. I want to get all of this done by the end of the week because next weekend is A-Kon 23. It's going to be nothing but three days of shooting (4 if you include Thursday.) but I know I will be better come out then going in. This is going to help me build up my portfolio for cosplay, get my name out there more in a world that always needs photographers, & lets me work on my indoor lighting skills along with doing things without having a real set up to it all. I will be grabbing people as the walk by & asking them if I can take there picture then handing them a card afterwards. I may take 4 hours out of the day to really look around & shop but for the most part this is a networking thing now not a pleasure thing. That's how I see it anyways. 

My summer job starts on the 4th of June & I am more then excited for this. I look forward to getting to know all the kids & spending lots of time with them, but I am always looking forward to the pay. Though it is a pay cut I will be working 40 hours, or at least should be. I think I'm going to love it. We go swimming every week one day & then every week we have a field trip that we go on. I'm sad that I won't be able to take my camera on these trips but I am excited to go & enjoy them just to enjoy them. I am freaked out about having to handle 10 kids every time I go in places like the Zoo, or Six Flags but this is just another learning opportunity & test on how well I will do with what situations. Besides watching the kids though I am in charge of working out crafts every week, or skits which I am excited for. I'll be working with another counsler on it & I know I can do crafts but the skits I am glad she will be there for. 

Over all the job is going swimmingly besides my direct boss being an ass. Apparently even though you are are not a christian you have to attend a service at training because it is mandatory for the "experience." I wanted to tell her that if I wanted the experience of god shoved down my throat I would willingly go down the road every Sunday. Sometimes I don't know how I keep my mouth shut. Then on Monday when I went to the main office to do somethings she called me out in front of everyone (which they train us not to do to the kids so I'm not really sure why it's okay for them to do it to us.) about how I didn't take out my lips rings at training. At that time I was still rather tired from the actually over night training so I just let it slid, but I wanted to go off on her more then anything in the world. 

Another big news about my job is that I am in charge of my site for the next week until schools out. I was in charge of it last week too. My site director found another, better paying job which she took. I feel I have handled the kids very well since she has been gone, though I can't say that about the other consuler there. I can't stand her honestly. She's useless unless when it comes to doing her job. The best part is when she tells me how to do my job. I kinda want to look at her & say "I think I can handle it seeing how I have only been here 3 months & trust me as site director when you have been here longer. Just sayin." Or I want to yell at her about not flirting with her boyfriend that works at the program next door, or yelling at the kids like that are dogs, or telling me what the hell is wrong with her when she doesn't run it by me before she does something with the kids. For example, we have a kid that likes to help around the school with her teachers & things. So she comes in & then leaves a bit later (after snake) well she told the other counsler & not me so I ran around looking for her for a good 10 minutes. I could have killed my Co-worker. 

Thankfully I only have to deal with her another week, then I'm done until next year & hopefully she won't be coming back. -Crosses fingers-

In other news Girlfriend & I are doing well now after our rough patch. Things are getting much better. We finally had a long talk with her like I said for months I was going to have with her. After that we are getting better. We now do this thing where very night before bed we say one positive thing about each other & one negative thing. The negative is more of something that is a constructive criticism thing then just bashing on each other. I think it gives us both a reality check after the day is done & keeps us on leveled ground because then we are both working on something together & have a general idea of how the other one is feeling in that time. 

This past week we went to get our ferrets checked up & the rest of their shots so & Ember is doing wonderfully from what I first took her in. That enlarged kidney is much, much better. She is eating ferret food now instead of cat food, & is gaining weight! She plays more & will follow me around. She comes out when I get home to say hi & get some lovin. Apollo & her are glued together I swear, unless one is sleeping. Over all this is a great thing & it makes me over joyed to hear it all & see it all. 

I think to wrap this whole thing up I'll just go over quickly what I am planning on doing other then job & photography wise. I picked up the guitar. It hurts my wrist a lot at the moment & I'm hoping that it hurt less the most I practice. I am still working on juggling, once I get two down it's on to three I'm getting there. Soccer is back in my life though I haven't gotten to truly go & play yet but I just found the keys to my storage unit so I can get my cleats out & head they way some Tuesday, Thursday or Sunday. I'm am starting to cast Runes slowly. I'm thinking about taking a Sunday & going up to a Starbucks or something & just sitting down & playing with them until people come up & ask for a reading. This sounds like a good way of practicing because that is honestly how I am going to learn them past what I have done right now. A friend of mine, who will be called Jeweler, have decided to take a leather working class. As long as you buy a kit the class for it is free which I'm more then excited for. I've wanted to work with leather for a while now so getting the chance to be thought is big in my book. Girlfriend & I have found a reasonable belly dance place that we are considering joining. It's 50 a month for a class a week & 6 moths for beginners, you end with a choreographer dance. I've wanted to do belly dance for a while now too & Girlfriend wanting to do it with me is even better. Jeweler is always going to teach me how to make jewelry too. 

I think that is it for now, there are other things I am looking at for later dates when I get more serious about them I will start informing you of what I am doing. 

I'm in the stage of my life where I am in the business of acquiring skills. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Reality TV Can Come From Your Head Too.

1. Welcome to the House! Introduce the OC's and what their luxury item would be.

[1] Krade Derick Cullen, acoustic guitar        [2] Carolina Marie Sterling Ashmore, crossbow

[3] Isaiah Codwell, props for pranks       [4] Liberty Walgrave, Mombo - her snake

[5] Alexander Dalton, first aid kit & cooking stuff       [6] Eleanor Rucket, acting gear.

2. There are 3 bedrooms, 1 with 2 double beds, 1 with 2 single beds and 1 with only 2 matresses on the floor. Who pairs up with whom, is there an argument over who should get the better room, and how is this resolved?

Krade & Zander have some class so they allow the ladies to chose first oppose to Isaiah who immediately runs to the bedroom with the double beds hopping on the one closets to the door. (It makes sneaking people in & out easier if they have a shorter walk to the door.)

Eleanor would be too distracted by everything to go right to a room so Cali would happily take the second double bed while laying down the law to the young prince that hopefully would learn some manners while they lived together. Eleanor would happily take the single bed as she doesn't need much room. Liberty takes a bed on the floor far away from any doors or windows, she's the parinod type after all.

Zander has been taught to respect his elders, so Krade happily saunters into the open mattered on the floor making Liberty a bit less up tight about the whole thing leaving Zander with a ADHA actor in a single bed.

3. Now they've decided where they're sleeping, they make their way to the living room but find that it is empty expect for a few large and heavy boxes which hold the furniture which [1] and [4] have been told to put together within a time limit, how well do they do?

Krade moved stuff for a living for years & Liberty would most likely just try to make weapons or shelter out of everything so Krade is stuck doing everything besides asking Liberty to bring him this or that. The whole time he is doing it though he is most likely making inappropriate jokes every time he gets the chance making him not stay within the time limit but at least it looks livable. 

4. The furniture's together, now for dinner and a rest! [2] and [5] are designated for cooking first. What do they cook? Do they work well together? Does their cooking go down well?

Cali has had too many children to count anymore & was a mother to her sisters when she was younger so cooking is something she has learned how to do over the years. Zander has been rasied with a house mom & cooking was how they would spend time together most of the time so he has been taught by more then a master. 

Everyone loves the meal but maybe Liberty but for a barbarian that is to be expected. 

5. A few days pass and a relationship is growing between [3] and [6], is it a good one or is it a bad one? What measures are made to make their relationship blossom, or stop them from attacking each other on sight?

El is more of a monogamous type of person & tends not to pick up on clues, or hints, when people drop them so Isaiah's attempts at sleeping with her fail with no consequence until Cali lets her in on what was going on which makes that light bulb go off in her head. She shrugs if off though & continues to entertain everyone with her antics. 

6. A week has passed and it's time for an eviction! Someone hasn't put in their penny's worth and needs to be gotten rid of. Choose one OC, and have them say their weepy, or exuberant, goodbyes.

Cali's the mom who can be a scary bitch so no one would want to get rid of her, Krade is the clown & everyone likes to laugh, Isaiah is the slut causing all the drama, Zander is the peacekeeping-momma's boy, & El is just to darn entertaining. Though liberty is unique in her own way (hunting her own food in the yard & scaring the neighbors, she must go.

Liberty would just grab Mombo & leave to go back to her forest without saying a word. Krade would most likely be more upset not to be shearing a room anymore.

7. There's a siren in the middle of the night! [1] has tried to escape with [3] as accomplice, however they are both caught, who blames whom, and what is their punishment? Do the other house-mates suffer for it?

Krade would say that it was Isaiah idea because he had some condoms & noticed the nice looking fella's next door that had some nice looking drinks too. Isaiah would be flabergaster int he most dramatic why a Codwell could be & tell everyone why it was Krade's fault in an extravagant way. NO body knows who's fault it truly is so Cali would put them on chore duty for at least a week in which they both mumble & complain until she gives them "they look."  

8. The next task appointed for them arrives in the form of a letter and a pack of bendy wires. They pick up the letter and read that housemates [2] and [4] must make a cube using the fewest number of wires possible within 30 minutes of time. Do they manage it?

Liberty was effect for not being entertainer enough so Carolina goes to work rather quickly getting it all done in a nice timely manor using 4-6 wires. 

9. That evening, they find alcohol in the refridgerator and a karaoke machine in the living room. However, it is incredibly hard to set up and it's instructions are in Japanese. [5] and [6] are bullied into geting it sorted. How do they get on?

Zander pulls out everything laying it down nice & neat while looking over the pictures to try to figure out how it goes. El, being the fangirl that she is, has picked up enough Japaneses to get it all working in just enough time for everyone to have a good time while drinking & watching El dance about & sing in a drunkin state. Kadre would get up & dance to male people laugh as well as sing badly into the mic. Cali would stand back & watch the fun then would be on clean up duty afterwards.

10. Eviction time! Eviction this time is based upon house-mates behaviour and performance in the last week, and sadly, [1] and [3]'s escape attempt has not impressed the higher hand.

[1] or [3] must go, choose, and have them say goodbye.

Krade would begin complaining about how he didn't understand how it was such a bad thing to go mingle with other people then the house mates & Isaiah would begin to ramble on about how if there was more attractive people in the house he might now have been swayed to go so easily. Eventually they play rock, paper scissors by the Queen Bee's command where Isaiah cheats sending Krade packing.

Krade: Even though he cheated, I will be the adult & walk away from the situation so that no one else will get punished & then thank me later. However, I will say I am happy to be free from this place so that I can do what I want again. Later suckers!

11. Confessions Time! Having been together for two weeks, how do the house-mates feel about the others? How do they feel about the evictions? Let's listen to them now.

Cali doesn't mind this at all, it's actually not much different then home besides not having her lover there. Zander shrugs about it all, he tends to keep to himself & doesn't really have much of an opinion about the rest. El REALLY likes Cali as a role model because she's never really had a real mom like that before, & Isaiah finds all of this rather dumb & hates that he is in a room with the "mom" of the house but Zander is looking pretty good. 

12. [1] and [4] have become very close, and [6] is jealous and decides to confront [4] about it, what happens?

Krade & Liberty have both been evicted so El really doesn't have a reason to be jealous. 

13. Their next task is to simply tidy the house, however, they have to do it blindfold, [5] cheats and [2] does nothing, such disobedience so late in the game earns them a time-out and their luxury item is taken away, how do they cope?

Cali wasn't about to hurt herself cleaning blindfolded but her Crossbow wasn't all that useful anyways. Zander didn't even realize he was cheating by being able to see through the blindfold so he apologizes & starts to look through the kitchen to see what he can still cook without his supplies.

14. Due to the cheating in the previous task, the electricity in the building is cut, and the living room is locked off from them. [4] suggests a game of hide-and-seek, does anyone get injured in the dark? Does anyone take this moment to be naughty with another housemate?

Liberty has been evicted but El LOVES games in the dark & begins to count. Isaiah takes the opportunity to convince Zander to go to his room with him & Cali indulges El as a mother would.

15. The living room is open to them again and inside is a television, an XBOX and four Guitar Hero guitars, a not stuck on the television let's them know that it is a play-off between [3] and [6]. Who wins, and did they realise the loser would be evicted?!

El is a nerd so of course she won in which she does her happy dance around Isaiah to taunt him which just makes him raise his eye brow & begin to pack his things after wards. He got want he wanted out of one of his house mates, now to move on to the next good looking person he feels like perusing. 

16. With only three house-mates left, tension starts to rise, [1] becomes super-competitive and starts taking over any tasks given to them. [1] accepts a task before even hearing it, and it's challenging them to sit in a bath of maggots for half an hour. How does [1] react and  do they complete the task?

Krade has been evicted to & even if her was there he is terrified of bugs & would run away screaming like a little girl.

17. Another Confession. Poor [2] is starting to suffer from cabin fever and is sure the others are out to get them. Let's listen to their ranting.

Cali: I'm not sure exactly why Zander spends so much time in the kitchen looking at the food over & over again as if the options are going to change but it does worry me that he is actually trying to think of a way to get rid of me & El quicker for the game to be over. He does seem like he is getting bored after all. El on the other hand seems to be getting bored after having to much energy early on in the game which makes me wonder what she is up to...

18. The house-mates realise they are quite quickly running out of food, and find three unlabelled tins in a cupboard, with blindfolds next to them and a letter explaining that two tins are sliced peaches, one is dog-food, they must each choose a tin with their blindfolds on. Who gets the dog-food, and evicted?

Zander would hesitate before grabbing one of the cans. Cali would wait for the young ones to go first & get whatever was left. El though would grab any of them not realizing that it was a challenge before Zander could tell her & in her hast would grab the dog food. Mooping the whole time she would pack her things & leave.

19. The final task denotes the winner of the entire game, the final two house-mates are given an envelope, inside is the instrutions of their last task, they simply are.

"Choose."

Does this shock them? Do they choose themselves as the winner or the other? Do they give their own victory up, or are they selfish?

Carolina would look at Zander with a smile giving him a kiss on the forehead before congratulating him & bowing out. Zander though would try his hardest to give the winning title to her until she gave him this "look" which he knew so well from his own mother that he would take the title as winner.

20. Now it's (quite abruptly) over, tag someone!

THE END

~Cyran J. Harrington~

The Little Things

These are sometimes so hard to remember when in hard times, I do my best though because the little things are what get me by. 

I have been crazy busy with my photography, mostly editing & getting things better organized from my past self along with editing new things to get up for the viewing pleasure of many. I honestly forgot how good it felt to be behind the lens of a camera again. To capture that one moment that is happening then so that others can remember it forever. Oh man, oh man... But there is something I have noticed behind my lens, I only have two real talents, kicking a ball really far (Because I have 13 years of experience with that) & taking a hell of a good photo. This displeases me more then you know. I watch everyone else do all the crazy things up on Open Stage while all I feel I can do is take a good shot of what is happening.

It just doesn't feel right. 

I want to do more then be in the back ground. I want to KNOW more then that. I want to speak a word that moves someone. i want to dance to music & show the world a different kind of reality even if it is just for 3 short minutes. I want out of this shell I have so comfortably put myself because I know I am better then this & it's about damn time I showed the world that I am. 

In the past couple months I have done some serious evaluating of my life. Going over what I want, what I don't want, what I would like to work on, how to go about it, etc. Over all I have found that I am displeased with a lot of things. I'm not really liking where I am because I feel so...small. Is the best way to put it. I have changed so much over the year & where there is a huge part of me that is better for it, there is a whole part of me that most don't get to see anymore that, I feel, is the better part of me. There are friendship in my life that just need to not be there anymore. As much as I care about the people I feel like these relationships are unhealthy for me & over all pulling me down.

A bird can't fly if it's weighted down.

So what actions am I taking to fix this new found problem, you may ask? Simple, I am branching out. 

First & for most I am learning (with the help of some friends) how to move my body in the way I watch in owe of other's moving their's. I am learning how to make simple moments look extravagant with that help of simple tools. I am learning how to hula hoop. I am learning how to flag. I am learning poi. After that I will perfect my juggling, along with contact juggling. I am going to get Girlfriend to teach me guitar when she decides that she has time. I am also going to read (or reread, depending) some books to get together a monologue to perform to work on the different sides of myself. (I'm really learning towards doing something from Fight Club right now because I am already so familiar with it.) There is a store from high school I wish to go over to make it longer, more detailed. A bit of a short story actually.

Once I feel like I am good enough for these things I will get my happy ass up on stage & blow people away along with myself. 

Before that though I will stay to the shadows, & watch, catching moments that will never come again for that person so that the photo I take may always bring a smile to their faces. I love making people smile after all.

I am not going to be quitting photography again though, just adding more skills to my set that is lacking them. In fact my photography is going swimmingly. In the past 2 months I have most likely made a good 200 off my photography & plan to continue this trend for years to come, increasing as I go along of course. I am getting business cards this Sat, I have an official Facebook page along with an Etsy shop. I have even been keeping up with things on my deviantART. Then there is also a tumblr page just for my art. It all seems like it's slowly but surely coming to together. I am making connections, getting my name out there & have amazing people willing to support me. Hopefully I won't go crazy with my own thoughts of doubt & worry. 

Money is still pretty tight for me, even with the extra cash from my dream job. I know it's because I am doing a lot of saving for the week long cruise in October but it's still rather killing me emotionally more then anything. I have panic attacks again, I tend to be rather touchy when it comes to anything, I'm getting more & more anxious & angry over small things (small things that are big in my world but not anyone else's but still...). I do my best every day to keep myself in check which, I feel, is also taking a toll on me. Since the Girlfriend has been rather out of it lately I have kept it all kind of tucked away because I needed to hold her up, because I am a rock. I just hope I can keep doing it on my own. Monday nights make me smile & that helps me through the weeks a lot more then I think anyone knows. I also think a lot of it has to do with how busy I have been with my photography too. I literally wake up editing & go to sleep editing with little to no time for much else. Now that I am getting caught up in in though (getting everything I want up on Etsy while reediting most of everything) I feel like I will have more time for everything else after that.

Baby steps. Breathing is the number one priority, while everything else follows. It is nice to see a light at the end of the tunnel though. 

This weekend I have Scarbi on Sat, then a family shoot on Sunday, a friend wants me to do a shoot with her Monday & then Open Stage is on Monday. This next week will be beyond interesting when it comes to my photography work.

In the less good news of my personal work, my Nikon D40, that I have had since Sophomore year of high school, is finally biting it. The series of camera is no longer made anyhow so either way it is bound to happen sooner or later. (Just wish it had been later) On top of that my computer that I have had since my 17th birthday is finally biting it as well. Sometime next week I plan on looking around more intensely on prices of these two along with quality. If I am lucky I will find a computer with a payment plan I can get on & a DSLR camera that is used but not out of my price range. Before I consider what camera I get though i will be looking at all of the specs & going around to local stores along with researching online about what is what to make sure i am getting EXACTLY what I want. When it comes to me tool of trade I will not fuck around. I'm hoping by the end of the year (if I keep saving like I am) I will be back on track with everything I need for my trade (Even some pretty new lenses.)

I do have some very exciting news besides my Photography happenings, I got the summer camp counlser job for the YMCA. This has me thrilled. I will be working full time all summer long with kids. (You have no idea how much those kids brighten my day but that doesn't mean I want one) Also, my site director has just put in her weeks notice after finding another job. By next year I may actually be the Site Director at Allen Elementary in Frisco making a good portion more then what I am making right now. 

I. Am. So. Excited. 

We will see though. If it does happen there is going to be a lot of changes at the site & some of the kids may not like it & act out about it but we will be sure to have fun because that's what they should be having. 

Another exciting news is that I may have found a soccer team for my age group to play on. It's a little pricey but over all, I think it will be well worth is. I am still waiting for more details on the tryouts & all that jazz but once I know I am sure to post something. This was the high light of my day today when i got this email for a meetup group. I am crossing my fingers & if things go my way I will be picking up where I left off by June 8th.

A-kon is just around the river bend as well, I'm hoping to pull together SOMETHING cosplay wise at the sorta last minute. One of the I already have & the other I want to do shouldn't be to hard to scramble together if AT&T doesn't take all my money away. Ugh I'm getting tired of them. I have not gotten a bill yet that I haven't had to call them about. Annoying. As. Hell.

In June & July I will be writing more forgiveness letters as much as i don't actually want to but I need to. It's going to get me to the next step in life. If I have the time I may actually do one on Mother's Day, depending on how busy I am with everything else. 

Over all, I am doing my best to remember that the little things are the things that matter the most. My loyalty, my honestly, the little furriers in my life, the roof over my head, the job I love, the girl I wake up next to everyday & come home to, the camera that's getting me started & the friends that I helping me through it all while walking with me. 

The little things will get me by. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

I Have Died

I have died.

I have died so many times.

Not in the physical sense though.

Much more in the metaphorically kind.

The first place I died was in middle school when my mother blamed me for her husband leaving, but she was too drunk & high to retain that this happened.

The second time was when I had to quite soccer in high school.

Thirteen years of passion gone down the drain because I didn't fit into their little box.
I was put on JV for the third year in a row when I was good enough for varsity.

It came down to choosing between my self esteem being repeatedly punched at & kicked down for shits & giggles, or money.

The third time I died was when I lost my first love.

Most have been through it, and most have been devastated by it. 
What killed me though was that I was so beaten and broken that I didn't fight to win it back.

You know what they say though, if it was yours it will come back and if it doesn't come back it was never really yours.

The forth time was when my best friend of a few years walked out on me because of something over Facebook that wasn't about her at all.

You know what they say about assuming.

The worst part about this though, I let them back in with almost no conscience and all I have gotten in return was how I make them feel like shit all the time.
One more fuck up in my book when all I did was do my best to satisfy.

The 5th time I died was when I put down my camera after letting some hard realities hit me.

20-15 years to get any where close to known and then maybe still not be known, and I wanted a more stable life then what my mother had given me.

And that meant having money.
Which meant not living a life of chance.

The 6th time however...I lived.

I made decisions on my own.
 I did what was best for me, for once, and I rose so far from the ashes people mistook me for the sun.

I thrived for the first time in the 20 years of my life and Here I Am.

21 and still thriving now.

I've proven to myself that I am worth something.
I'm so glad I found that duck tape so I could put the broken pieces back together again.

I have learned, even though people may be saying negative things behind my back, that they are making me famous and the people that matter out of those are the one's that learn the truth for themselves.

I have learned that my time is mine alone and I shouldn't be handing it out like a door prize.

With my camera back in my hand, & my first love back in my arms.

I strive on.
I won't let anyone stop me this time.

Mostly not me.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Them & Them Again

1A: Hi! What's your real name and nickname?

1) Alexander Dalton, most call me Xander though.

2) Savannah

3) Sable Cullen Walgrave

4) Eleanor, my boyfriend calls me El. 

5) Chloe Cullen

6) Keth. It's pronounced Keith for you information.

1B: What's your gender?

Alexander: Male.

Savannah: I have boobs.

Sable: I have a penis is that is what you mean.

Eleanor: Oh this question, by the name I am a female, I the play I am whatever I need to be & by convention I do what the hell I want. 

Chloe: I is a female.

Keth: It really depends on what form I am in at that very moment. I'm mostly a guy though.

2. Interesting... what's your current age?

Alexander: 20

Savannah: Old enough to know better, but still too young to care. 

Sable: I would have to agree with the the women above. In fact I think she stole that from me. 

Eleanor: 22 going on 50 I swear. 

Chloe: Age doesn't matter. It's what's inside that counts. That's what Dad always says, the optimist.

Keth: Though could take a while to calculate, & I'm bad at math. 

3. Uh huh. What's your favorite food?

Alexander: I think I like my Mom's cooking the most. Dad's not bad on a grill though, but Mom is so much better in the kitchen. 

Savannah: The kind that you eat & doesn't give you problems later.

Sable: Oh...this is quite the hard one as I have tried many a flavors...I suppose if I just HAD to chose one it would be...Indian or Italian. I can't stay away from spicy & Italian food just has so much flavor.

Eleanor: I really haven't gotten to try much in my life. I like food though. It's an important part of your diet.

Chloe: Whatever grosses people out the most when I eat it. NOMNOMNOM

Keth: Food is my favorite food. I like wild game alot though.

4. And your favorite drink?

Alexander: My dad owns a bar & I help up keep it once in a while but I still like water the most. I'm kind of a health freak.

Savannah: Something that keeps me hydrated.

Sable: White wines are rather nice, so is a good bottle of scotch. I am a bit of a pansy, as my lady likes to call me, when it comes to these things & would prefer bitch drinks if I could. 

Eleanor: Water & orange juice. I have to set a good example for my little brother & sister.

Chloe: I like coffee a bit more then I should, Mom says I get that from Grandpa. 

Keth: Anything I'm not allergic to. 

5. Confession time! Who's your crush/lover?

Alexander: My boyfriend Jeremy.

Savannah: I have sex, & you are lucky if I keep coming back to you. 

Sable: The one & only Lilly Dalton, though she is a hard headed women of sorts I love her, & I'm still alive. Haha.

Eleanor: My Corbin. <3 He's great compared to the other dickbags I have been with. 

Chloe: Tori tor tor. :)

Keth: It's complected. 

6. Aww! Have you two kissed yet?

Alexander: Kissing is the least of our worries at this point.

Savannah: Are we still in grade school? 

Sable: If we were not past kissing in the first week (maybe couple of days) I wonder if she would be with me now. Good thing I can keep up, haha. 

Eleanor: Yes, oh yes we have.

Chloe: I still remember the first one. Who know lips could be so soft.

Keth: I've kissed alot of people. You don't live this long without that at least.

7. Classic question! What's your favorite color?

Alexander: Umm... burgundy or a deep moron. 

Savannah: My county's colors.

Sable: I could always go with the classic, redmommygay. Haha, oh the stories of memories. 

Eleanor: I actually rather like different shades of blue. It goes well with my skin color. 

Chloe: Purple of pink.

Keth: Color are just pretty things to look at. 

8. Who's your favorite author?

Alexander: Jeremy. 

Savannah: I don't read for fun very often. Most of the time it's books that I have to read for my country. Quite annoying really.

Sable: Oh dear...this is an even harder question then the food one...I like anything hysterical really. I am a historian in training of sorts. 

Eleanor: I really like anyone who rights a good fiction book, reality is for squares after all. 

Chloe: I don't read that often. When I do it's about learning how to pull a good prank on someone. 

Keth: I don't read. It's just not healthy for your eyes. 

9. Now what's your biggest fear?

Alexander: I don't really feel like that's a good thing for me to be publicly talking about.

Savannah: Fear is only a thing to be used against someone, so why the hell would I tell strangers about mine if I had any?

Sable: Probably not having any history left to study or being unable to assist my loved one's in some way.

Eleanor: Feeling like a the dirt under peoples shoes because I have freckles, or because I'm not as "pretty" ad the other actresses. 

Chloe: Huuummm if I HAVE to have one, it would be losing my Mom & Dad even though I give them hell alot they know I love them. But that will never happen because Mom's a BAMF.

Keth: I wouldn't call it this the BIGGEST fear but being in a fight it defiantly up there.

10A: Have an embarrassing experience in your past?

Alexander: Oh man, I'm not sure where to begin there. I tend to be rather clumsy at times. It makes for a few good laughs later though.

Savannah: Probably the time I bit the person I was sleeping with that night...in my & their sleep. Needless to say I haven't heard much since they said it scared. 

Sable: I laugh in the face of embarrassment as I do not get embarrassed by much. My mother says I get that from my father. 

Eleanor: I think it was the first time I ever really got on stage after a friend of my convinced me to do it, I stuttered so much & kept forgetting lines to the monolog I was doing. I eventually just ended it for my own sake. I can't remember if anyone clapped or not.

Chloe: Probably the time I didn't knock before going into my twin's room. Lets just say he was very lonely back then. 

Keth: Anytime I have to ask for permission because of an asshole. What can you do huh?

10B: Any Siblings?

Alexander: Yes, there is one I have never met (& most likely won't), Issac, Lilly (my twin), & the Zane is a half one. Though he doesn't really hang around much. 

Savannah: Just one. Aries. 

Sable: Oh dear lord do NOT get me started. Let me count...Emma, Aidan, Shade, Jace, Xavier, Carolina, Aknta, half Siblings from my father's side. From my mothers I believer I have 10+ half & one sister that is fully related to me. She is the youngest & the cutest darn thing.

Eleanor: I have a younger brother, & a little sister. 

Chloe: Here we go, Arron, Kathleen, Zac (my twin), & then our youngest Audrey. 

Keth: Nope. Just me. I'm a rare bread. 

11. Almost, it's only twenty questions. Who's your hero?

Alexander: Hero huh? As lame as this is I would have to say my mom. She's gone through alot it seems & is on top.

Savannah: I make myself into what I want to be everyday, I don't need someone to look up to if I want to be me. 

Sable: Huuummm, anyone who has made a major change in history. 

Eleanor: Wonder women, Catgirl, Poision Ivy, pardon me is my nerd showing again?

Chloe: I really like Robbin William's!

Keth: Don't have one. Hero's don't last I have learned. 

12. Okay, who is your worst enemy?

Alexander: Anyone who tries to hurt my family. 

Savannah: Darth, it's more of a family thing then a personal thing.

Sable: I don't have one thankfully. Lilly's mother might consider me an enemy if she ever knew a...few things when it come's to our relationship, but I am fairly good at keeping peace with people.

Eleanor: Anyone who tries to hurt my little bro & sis, or are just plan jerks for no reason.

Chloe: The video surveillance at school.

Keth: Time corp.

13. What would you do if your hero and your worst enemy got together?

Alexander: Why would anyone in my family get together with someone trying to hurt them? That is rather silly.

Savannah: Darth & I? I would rather kill myself.

Sable: A zombie & thin air? That is a sound thing to think about would you not say so my good person there? -Eye roll-

Eleanor: They would just try to beat each other up. I have the pop corn.

Chloe: That's a pretty funny image actually. Thanks!

Keth: Oo

14. Interesting... what would you do if you met your creator?

Alexander: Mom & Dad? Love them. God? Ask him a serious of questions that I have written in my bible. 

Savannah: My mother & father? Love them to the fullest & praise them for making such a good looking lady for the world to have.

Sable: I do not have time for religious dealings.

Eleanor: I don't really deal with religion, it's better for my health along with the people around me. If you mean my mom/dad...that's even more complected.

Chloe: I have! He's funny looking. 

Keth: Doesn't matter if you can't die. 

15.Now, what do you want to be when you grow up?

Alexander: I am actually starting medical school this next term.

Savannah: I am grown up & I am hair to the Nauqty thrown.

Sable: A historian. 

Eleanor: The actress that was the ugly duckling. 

Chloe: Maybe a comedian. I like making people laugh. 

Keth: A lazy ass.

16. What's your worst nightmare?

All: See the fear question.

17. What's your lifelong dream?

Alexander: To help people that can't help themselves & make my parents proud of me which I do everyday.

Savannah: I have all my long life to dream, I only have the moment to take do what I want with it.

Sable: To figure out a way to explain this ungodly, never ending cycle in history.

Eleanor: To be remembered for what I can be not as the girl next door.

Chloe: I like to paint...so maybe get paid for painting? I don't really know...?

Keth: It's nothing but a memory now.

18. What would you do if your lifelong dream came true?

Alexander: Be happy.

Savannah: -Chuckles-

Sable: Be proud of myself & rather egotistical about it most likely. With just a side of humble.

Eleanor: Rub it in all those poopheads faces who have told me I was going to go no where.

Chloe: Paint my life away?

Keth: Remember?

19A. Okay, where's your favorite place to relax?

Alexander: In my bed next to Jeremy, or in the club dancing life away to stay in shape.

Savannah: If I told you, you would come there to relax to. Then it would do nothing for me.

Sable: In the library with a map or twenty.

Eleanor: In a bed or a hot bath. There is always a Corbin with nice strong hands to get these knots out of my back. 

Chloe: In my room with music. 

Keth: I'm pretty relaxed anywhere.

19B: Favorite music?

Alexander: Anything I can sing to & that makes me want to move. 

Savannah: My country's music.

Sable: I like a bit of everything. When I am reading I listen to classical.

Eleanor: Music is feelings the soul creates, so all of it. Besides scremo.

Chloe: Crappy hip hop. Haha.

Keth: N'sync.

19C: Do you have any friends?

Alexander: Tons. I'm pretty good at making them. Sable is mostly likely my closest one.

Savannah: I have plenty of "friends."

Sable: Again, I tend to get along with everyone.

Eleanor: My best friend's are Jace & Sam. I have others though.

Chloe: My best friend is my twin though I have others. Like Tori!

Keth: Elaina is my friend & so are other's here oddly enough. I'm a pretty likable person.

20. Last question! What do you spend most of your time doing?

Alexander: Cooking, dancing, singing, spending time with anyone who would like some of it, & studying for school.

Savannah: Being me. 

Sable: Anything I want to honestly. I tend to keep an even balance of things in my life. 

Eleanor: My job. Ugh. 

Chloe: Playing pranks & bothering the hell out of my brother. 

Keth: Being lazy. I've gotten pretty good at it over the years.