We stopped our writings due to your husband's antics about it. Having small heart attacks because he felt inferior to me as I was your first, & in my opinion still the best. But we are both past that, haha.
Do you remember what your last writing to me was dear? About making you lay in bed all day in your naked glory? I hope you do as you said it was one of the best days in all of your lives.
You were always so shy back then, always so timid with your body. Even when we were making love you did not want my eyes on all of you at once. You had to have something covered. Always. It had always bothered me, but I continued to let you do what was most comfortable to you because I know if I was uncomfortable with something I would dislike someone a great deal for breaking my comfort zone without my permission. I did, however, want to do this for you. I wanted to show you the part of you you had so wonderfully locked away from yourself at that time.
I waited patiently for the day when I felt it best to do this & then my father was suddenly gone for a time. At that time my sybilings were either dead, or had "gone missing" (been ran off from the palace to save their lives.), I gave everyone else a very hushed day off in order for you to do this. On top of that I wanted to show you the library we had as it had many more books then the public library ever could, at least back then because of my father's way's of spreading the countries money around.
I remember you waking to see me, & I remember that look of awe in you eyes. I was quite flattered even though I knew I looked good back then. It was a splendid complement. I remember each & ever action you mentioned in your memory of it, & what was I thinking? I was thinking that by the end of the day, you would see what I saw.
A women with so much more potention then what she was giving herself credit for. A women with a mind worth more then any amount of gold someone could offer. Something beautiful that no one else could be.
I think my mission was a success too. You wondered around all day nude as a had so smugly "ordered" you to, & you smiled through the whole thing, you never shuttered once, you never took a second look at the covers or your cloths. You seemed free in some odd aspect that day.
Of course, once the time limit was over you put some cloths back on but afterwards you never wore as many in my presence. Like you were finally free of something that had been holding you back since you were young.
That's what I remember of it. You may never see this but I hope I answered your question. The fact that it's out there makes me feel a bit better because it had bothered me all these years I never got to answer you. As if you were still waiting for it or some silly thing like that, but for the portability that you were...
Before I get to the gut of things I wanted to let everyone know that my mother is somewhere safe for the time being & has not actually done what she was planning to (thank the asnestors.) I appreciate all of your concerns & well wishes, along with any of you who payed for her. It means the world.
*~*~*~*~*
It's the new year for me. Samhain has come & gone & both of the ritual's that I was a part of were great. The private one again was more for my girlfriend then I but I took advantage of it none the less. Why let a good thing go to waist, ey? I wrote what I needed to down & burn what I felt I needed but over all, I had a very hard time finding anything to write down. It's not because I am content with what I have but none of it seemed like it needed burned away, or disposed of. Perhaps am not ready to get rid of what I truly need to yet, or I have not realized that I need to get rid of it yet. But I did find somethings, & they were things that needed to be gone though I don't believe they truly are "gone". The fates like to throw me curve balls just when I think I am over something, lets just wait & see.
The ritual I did with my kindred was nice but awkward for me. As many of you know I am adopted so I do not know my blood kin well, nor do I know my adopted kin, nor do I have many that I know have died before me or that I was close to. So being part of an ancestor ritual for heathen faith is always...a bit hard for me. It does not give me warm fuzzys like it does everyone else. It gives me a sense of displacement & out of the loop-ness. (It's not something I truly enjoy feeling either but it's not something I can complain about.) The kindred mother did suggest that ancestors did not have to be dead relatives but pets too & to bring Sage's collar along to put on the alter. (For those of you who don't/didn't know Sage, he was my very loved Ferret who died not too long ago.) So I did because it was the only thing I had & who would have known that his energy was still so strongly on that collar. He lived so much that is' hard for me still to believe he is just gone. I almost broke down while have to put it on the alter seeing how my girlfriend carried it there before that for me. (Ra I love that girl)
Though Sage's collar was a shock I think the blessings is what is going to get me through this next year, what I will hold close to me to see what I get next go around with my ancestors. I do not know if our Horn Maiden had a hard time with me or not (It seemed like she did from the pause) she blessed me with what joys that my ancestors will be bringing me this next year. I also wondered if she was tapping into my adopted family, or my blood family...either way to know joy is coming to me is a bit of a relief at the moment.
Before I say my final good-byes to the last year I would like to do a recap of it, for myself more then you readers.
I was cut out of a dear friends life.
I found a new friend that helped me through alot.
I had the best birthday of my life yet.
Because of new friend I was reconnected with the girl that I couldn't let go of.
I got the friend I had lost back.
I decide to move out of my house/got evicted.
I have gotten back into photography.
I got back with the girl who broke my heart 3 years ago.
I have a kin.
I will be a Rune's Master of my kindred.
My cat of 15 years died.
My ferret of less that one year died.
My grandmother died.
I moved into my first apt.
I worked at a haunted house.
I feel like this year has been very eventful for me. I think all in all it has turned out good for me with hiccups of bad but I think it's time to leave this behind & learn from all of these things. Take in what I can while I can & then chug along.
So goodbye old year, hello new!
Now for the agenda for this brand new year. I want to put expectations on it like I never have before. I want to grow more then I ever have & it's going to start right now.
Lately I have honestly felt like a bump on a log. There's not real point for me to be there other then to give the log "character." Well, I'm getting pretty bored of that & it's time for me to grow into a log myself. (Worst metaphor in the world I know.)
The first change I will be making is my thought process. I don't know when it started but I went from thinking that I can to I THINK I can which is ridiculous in my book. I know I can do anything I set me mind to now it's just over coming the challenges in my way & half of those aren't challenges that other people have put there it's challenges I am putting there because of my personal insecurities. I do have the opinion that the insecurities are brought upon by others but that's still no reason to let them get in my way.
I used to say: I am a bundle of insecurities brought about by the happenings of others to this individual.
Now it will be: I am the one who has concored that bundle of insecurities that others have happened onto me.
That's is how I am trying to look at this year. Last year was a year of change & this year will be too but in a very different way. Last year was more inner change now it's time I change my surroundings.
My job has cut my hours to next to nothing. People who have been there way less time them be are getting more hours then I am when I have all my bills to play & they have mommy & daddy to help them out. So one of the first things on my agenda is to get a new job...or two. If I have to I may end up with three depending on how my luck goes. I'm hoping like hell I get get I good paying job that works me 40 hours a week from 9-5 or something like that. I'm getting really tired of not knowing when I will work until that week comes up to be honest. I'm at a point in my life where nothing has been stable for me so I don't see it unreasonable to ask for a but of stability in one part of my life at least, because I doubt I will have it in my home life for quite a long time.
But change is the only stable thing int he world so we will see what I can get myself & where life wants me honestly.
In February I will not only be turning 21 (W00T W00T ONLY 4 MONTHS) I will also be moving again much to my not wanting to, but it doesn't seem I get a say in the matter. My other two roommates are already looking into places with one of the roommate S.O. (significant other) without even telling me. I have two options open to me so far depending on how things go. Maybe even three if I get this one job I REALLY REALLY want for the reasons I posted above.
One option I have is my & Girlfriend moving in with each other, which I know alot of you will probably be like "SO SOON?!" Yes. So soon we are already talking about it. I think we both wanted to wait a bit longer but honestly, with how much I am here now I might as well be living with her already. We work well together under the same roof & have a system worked out already. We enjoy each other a great deal & home life together I don't think would be do bad if we continue how we are. So this is an option.
A second option is moving in with my good friend Olivia (Or Tarot Girl. I think I like that name for her better actually.) We have lived together before & can put up with each other's crap as much as I think we hate to admit it. She also gets along with my girlfriend so it wouldn't matter how much she was over. (Like it shouldn't matter) We work well together, apart, & in alot of other ways. We get along great & if we have problems with each other we just yell at each other & get over them. It's a nice system. So really like this option & glad to say it is one for the time being.
The third & last option I have at the moment is only if I get the call center job out in Lewisville. I could maybe move in with two people that will most likely be looking for a new roommate anytime now (or just one of them if I can get away with it.) I don't know her well but seeing how all I have to do is survive it I don't think this will be to big of an issue. Again, it all depends on how things go job wise.
A part of me is relived about having to move out from the roommates that I have right now just because of the idiotic complications that have come up (or expert lack of communication) & the other part is dreading it just because of the mad scramble I will have to do once again. I also find it stressful that I am the one being left out. I can understand why to a certain extent but on the other hand it royoaly pisses me off. They both have places to go if things don't work out for them somehow. No, it's not ideal for either of them but it's a roof over your head until something else comes along. I don't & I'm not saying that is their problem, but I feel it should be taken into consideration. The other part of this that is beyond annoying is that with them ganging up together it makes me feel like I was the one who did everything wrong when it takes two to tango. That may be those nasty insecurities barging back in but I find it to be a valid point especially when when everyone but me knows that they are looking for new places. Anyways.
I'm not sure what I will do with school this year. I want to go back to desparetly because the longer I am out the more I feel like I am falling behind in something. (In what I'm really not sure but I;m falling behind.) I at east want to take one simple class, one class of my core may be all I can do for a while but I'm trying to make myself believe it's better then nothing. It makes me feel like I am getting somewhere, but I still have to go talk to someone about it & figure out what I have left compared to everything else. I really haven't gone & talked to an adviser for long periods of time like the reccomend. But alot of them are rather rude or don't seem to care about helping the student what they need at all. Or they plan out tell you they have no idea about something which makes me have so much confidences in them. None-the-less though, I plan on going up there sometime to spend a good amount of time to try & figure out what all I need to do still & in how much time. I need to know these things so I can plan everything else accordingly.
Photography is...well I have a photo shoot of a friend's cosplay Friday sometime after 4:30 & the last time we did this his came out the best from the two or three people I did a shoot for. I enjoy his company a great deal as well. We get along great & have alot in common. Our personalities are really similar in a very different way too. It's nice. Over all my goal for photography is to actually get out there & start taking picture on a regular basis again. At least once a week, of anything. I may even take a walk around where ever I am just for the hell of it to get me back in the swing of things. I've been out of it for so long now that I have been forgetting my camera at time when I need it the most. I was quite disappointed in myself at that time. I have found my stepping stone though, I want to start a business with it at first! My kindred Mother mentioned it to me & it's still a while down the road but it's something to work for, I am going to get together a local portrait studio that is LGBT friendly! This not only allows me to do something I love but also allows me to get to know the people a community I am a part of more. The other stepping stone is to do cosplay photography at conventions where Girlfriend will take it into photoshop to "paint it" for them before printing it to give them! It makes me feel good to have a goal for this part of my life after feeling like I had lost all the passion for it!
I plan on getting more into the magical part of my life because I have just been going with what I feel I know of it. I want to learn more of the ritual side of it. I believe in magic after all & I should be using it to aid me in life instead of assuming I can do it all myself with no help. There is no point for me to do things by myself if I don't have to & the more reinforcement I have the better at this point. I have felt the closet to the gods & goddess more then I ever have in the past. When it comes to my Heathen path I tend to ask Odin for help, or protection a great deal & his pets happen to be Raven's. Two of them if you wish to get specific I don't know how many days in a row it has been now but every day there has been one or two raven's that come by me at once. It's comforting to know I can rely on something like that to answer me & make me feel safe when nothing else does. I know Ra (My patron god) has been waiting for this time as well & that he could not be the one to whip what little doubts I had in me away. I needed more then just him to reinforce my beliefs.
This next year I will complete becoming a Rune master for my kindred. I will find a circle that has the Egyptian deities as their patron's mainly, because I want to get more into those traditions. Candle magic has been calling me more then anything right after runes. (I am a fire element after all) Over all I want to become a physical high priest to Ra. I have been there spiritually but not mentally or physically. This has been what I have wanted for quite sometime now so it's about time I start actually seeking it out. I'm done waiting for things to happen like I have done for some long. I'm going to make them happen finally. The other two things I want to do with the spiritual part of my life is actually learn new age stone work, & how to master all the elements. These last two things I feel are more of something I will do personally rather then with a teacher.
I actually started all of this spiritual journey off today when I took two runes into my life by reading about them to prep a class I am teaching on them next Wendsday. Nervous is putting it lightly as to how I am feeling about this. I hate getting up in front of groups of people & talking about... intelligent things because I don't find myself intelligent enough to do so because of things in my past. So I will fix this problem by doing exactly what I don't want to do. In order to overcome something you must face it after all. The other big part of this is that I hate being judged, which is why I do my best not to do it to anyone else I see/know/knew. Everyone has their reasons for doing what they do & I have no right to judge them for it. I do have a right to form my own opinion about things, but to me that isn't a judgement to me.
Over all, I have alot planned for this year & by golly I will get it all done if it kills me! It will be the year of learning or making my brain grow, & environmental change around me.
It's time for another new people. If you don't like it then I don't need you here.
It's unsual for me to post twice in one day but this needs to be gotten out. Not for a pity party but because I'm not sure what else to do with it. I need to write about it but as I have mentioned before written journals just don't work for me. It feels like I go no where with them & that I'm not really writing for a perpous.
Today, 10/27/2011. I spent my evening trying to figure out how to keep my mother alive. She called me close to tears & left me a message about what had happened & that as soon as she got the pills the doctors prescribed her she would be leaving. She couldn't stay here anymore.
Instant panic attack.
I lost it after the message, went to get my girlfriend from school so I had a clear headed person with me as I obviously wasn't at that point. We called her back, got directions to her place, the address & what not so that I could arrange to get family photos (since it's all I have left of my childhood) & whatever else that I could, or needed to. Also, to call the cops.
We did what we needed & called the cops. In this whole time I could only think about everyone but me. I know I am strong & can get through anything I set me mind to with help from all the people around me that love me. I have the support of my world & I have no idea where I would be without them.
The cops came, went, & my mother text me pretty much telling me how she told the cops that I would do nothing for her because I told them that she was drunk (Which I didn't) & that she was going to kill herself (which she did tell me.)
At that point I had gotten over the shock & just wanted her to be okay. I want to help her the best I can seeing how she is my mother & has taken care of me all my life. She is certainly not the best mother in the world but she is not the worst either. She did the best that she knew how & that might not of been what most have done but it's what she thought was good. I have made my mistakes too & have not been the best daughter to er in the world but I did the best that I knew how with raising myself. No, I did not pay bills under her roof, nor did she make me. She did a hell of alot of things for me that other parents wouldn't & I could have been much better to her. I was young & stupid though. I feel partly responsible for the state of mind she is in now & tonight was some what of a wake up call as to what I need to do to try & help.
I have been desparetly praying to whomever may listen, as my deity is not hers, to guide her. To show her the way so that I would not have to because I feel like I shouldn't have to. I am the child of her after all, shouldn't I be learning from her? But it is obvious I have just been avoiding the inevitable. She is no longer in tune with her spirituality unlike so many in the world. She needs something real, something she can see, something she can feel. I have been strong for her & I for so long it's natural now. It's tiring but natural.
Should I have to be the one doing this? No, probably not. But I am the closest thing to real she has in her mind I feel. I am the thing that has been there the longest. I still call her for advice when I need to. I still call & talk to her when I can about my life so she feels like she is welcomed & needed somewhere but I need to step it up. I am the only family she really has now. Her mother & father are gone. The rest of the family has cast her out, done away with her. Not just her, but me as well. Where I have found something better though she has been left to rot by people she loved & knew her whole life. I can't imagen my family doing that to me. How that must feel, how that must hurt.
To know you are utterly alone & have no way of knowing how to fix it. The black that she must feel, see is unbearable in her eyes. I can be the t light though. I have felt that I was meant to save people since I was young. Not like a doctor does, or a therapist but with one touch at a time. I was handed to her last time she felt this way & now I will be handed to her again. In a very different sense though. I will talk to her, not as a child desparetly wanting a mother in there life still for selfish reasons (which is somewhat how it feels right now.) but as an adult to another adult. I will be the light for her once more.
I will not think of it as a burden, but an opportunity to do everything I can to help another human soul. As all humans should. To give her something to smile about, to give her something to be proud of. To get her back on her feet.
No. It is not my job. But she held me through so many nightmares as a kid that I can't count. She held my hand when crossing so many streets. When I was down in my heart I always knew I had a place to come home to. To have the comfort of a loving mother. Cause no matter what she has always loved me. I was her pride & joy no matter what I did.
It is my turn to help her & be the better person.
This is the next step in my way of life & I will learn something from it if I let myself. I must be strong. I must be positive. I must be the light once more.
I have been called to duty.
I just ask for the support of my friends, my family, & hope none turn their back on me for this.
This is large holiday for me. My favorite one actually. The muggles may know it as Halloween. It has changed alot from what it used to be & it's different every where, all over the world, but I won't get into those nitty gritty details. (Go here if you would like them. Samhain)
I will tell you my plans for it though. I do not normally follow the Celtic year seeing how I am in a kindred, which is Heathen in origin. My personal Deity is Ra the Egyptian God Of the Sun & my personal Goddess is Nut (N-oo-T) Egyptian Goddess of the Sky but for some reason this is one of the Celtic holidays I adore but this one is very special to me.
Last year, the person I was dating & I did an open ritual for people to come see how it went & I believe we did a bang up job. It was the first time I had done a true ritual for my religion to celebrate it with my friends was a grand experience. This year I am taking it to a more personal level.
As most know I am dating someone & we have been at it for 4-5 months now. We are taking another step forward by doing a peraonl ritual for ourselves to tie us a bit closer together. It's no engagement, & most likely no promise of it but it's something for us. It's more for her then it is for me though. She will be taking a huge step forward in her life (at least this is how I feel about) something I wish she would have done a long time ago, but late is better then never.I am very proud of her for this & I will support her in every step of the way while she does it.
There was another big step she took this week, she stood up to her mom for me.
She got her mother to give me a chance & put her foot down. It meant the world to me. Going from being a figment of her mother's imagination to an important person in her life is a wonderful feeling. I can't tell you how many times I have dreamed of this & it's finally coming to life, but that's not the only thing I have dreamed of for us. I used to dream of going to the fair with her. We did that right before the Fair shut down til next year. I've taken her to do cute couple pictures at Super H mart. Shared my fave things with her, worked the Thrillvania with her. It's like we just picked up where we left off. There was some pain, hurt, tension we had to work through but we did. We are a couple so we still fight once in a while just like any couple. Not everything is rainbows & butterflies. I know inside thought, while we are fighting, we are doing out of kindness from our hearts. I can feel the warmth behind it. If that warmth ever goes away I will know we are done, but if it doesn't I won't complain either.
My friends approve of her more now then they did when we first started just because of past reasons but I still don't think they understand why I did it. I don't think anyone could, hell I have trouble understanding it from time to time. But I think I have some good examples.
Have you ever had someone cross your mind & make you smile even when they hurt you so bad you couldn't help but cry after the thought? Have you ever been in a moment that no matter what you look back on it & a spark lights somewhere inside of you that you had no idea was there? Have you ever had someone make you so happy before you cried because you had no other way to express what you were feeling? I can't say all of this is true at the moment, but these were the things I thought of. I don't know what it is about her that keeps a smile in me somewhere even after everything. I should still hate her & call her a lair, cheater, worthless, manipulative, fool...but instead I find her to be wonderful, loving, giving, beautiful, caring, smart & other such things. I'm not going to say it's love (because god knows I don't believe in that) but it all has to count for something right? Maybe a sort of new passion she is showing me I never had in me but for her? What ever it is I can't complain, Ra knows I know it won't last forever & if it does then we are doing something right I suppose.
I do know that for know she makes me happy & that's all I can really ask for, when it is time for us to fall apart we will, but I hope the friendship we have besides the relationship part of it will stay alive. She is my best friend after all. I know I can go & tell her anything & she will give it to me like it is or do whatever it is she feels she needs to do to help, if she can. I can only hope she feels the same for me.
I do not believe in soul mates, nor do I believe in forever...but I believe in her, for the time being.
I posted something up on facebook last night that I probably should of kept to myself but I posted it anyways. I was tired, upset a bit & annoyed at the game I was playing. It was never the less true though. Depression is an every day struggle for me. As many of you know already that have depression someday are better then others. It's hard to describe it to people who don't have it. To tell them what is going on with you. I could be in the best mood I have ever been in & then I'm suddenly staring at a wall with no expression, lost in the nothingness of my mind. It happens just like that for me with no warning signs.
One minute I'm there.
The next minute & extremely tired or just...not mentally there anymore.
There are no real triggers for it. It just happens. I can take a moments notice or be a gradual thing. It really depends. As soon as I start noticing signs for it though I do whatever I can to counter it. I will smile to myself & tell it to fuck off. Or give myself tiny motivational speeches, even going outside helps sometimes. I do whatever I can. Lately though it has been harder to counter then normal. I'm not really sure why.
Once I got to thinking about it though I figured it out.
1) I have not properly dealt with things that happened this summer. (Sage, Tigger, moving, my mother, grandma.)
2) It's coming up to my least favored holidays of the year. The "family" holidays.
I remember when I was small how much I loved these holidays cause it meant gifts were coming, cause in the mind of a child that's all you can really see. As I got older though I realized how much more it was & everything I wasn't getting from it due to my lack of family.
My mother adopted me as a single parent & then got married to a man so I would have a father when I was three or five can't remember. He left her when I was 8 a week before Christmas. The years that followed I only had a Christmas because my friends involved me in theirs & their families took me in for that one time period. Which I'm more then greatfull for to them. They went out of their way to do it & It meant the world to me, but as more time went on with me spending time with them I could tell I was still the "outcast" in the group. I didn't know how the family worked & I was not part of the "inner" workings of the family even though I did my best to fit in.
There is something about family that you have grown up in that has a close nit relationship that one can not obtain through one holiday with them. Try as you might you will still not be where you need to be to feel "like one of them." At least that is the case for me. In my world "blood is thicker then water" is not true cause there are people that I have accepted in my life that I consider family but have no blood relations to. I do think growing up around each other every holiday though creates a bound that can not be obtained in one holiday visit.
Anyways, as I got older & watch as the somewhat "outcast" of these groups of family durring this really special holiday time it has bother me more & more. I have wanted nothing more then to look for my own blood roots & have this special time with them. Find my two half brothers, my birth mother, my birth aunt & whom ever else I could what is related to me by blood & get them in a room to try & form these bounds because I would like what others have. I want to come back to work with happy stories about how my brothers & I did this. Or how my aunt is crazy. Or how my mother can make the best Turkey or whatever food. At this rate though that will never happen. I will never have the experience that others have had their whole life & there is no one to blame for it. It's no one's fault really, it's just how my life has worked out for me.
This year will be different though.
I have a family that I actually feel like family in. It's my kindred Bitfrost. My best friends are a part of it & the person who host it every week for us has been called my mother on more then one occasion. Her little girl calls me sissy which makes my heart melt. I'm part of a family there. We all have are stupid fights & we beat up each other like family would. Or like I see family do.
I used to have a long list of angry things to say that would make you crumble where you stand & give me shut satisfaction with the thought of doing it to, & watching you fall was one of the things I looked forward to most. How I relished in that day to come.
But that was three years ago.
Something about you still ticks me off to no point & end but as time goes on wounds heal. What you did to her bothers me more then what you did to me but that's always been the kind of person I have been. If you hurt me I will blame myself for doing something stupid & rescued into a little ball but hurt my friends & I will make sure you are miserable. Out of respect for her I left you alone. There was no need for me to step in to cause more problems when you were doing a grand job of it yourself. On top of that it wasn't my place, that was her battle to do what she wished with so I stood aside & clinched my teeth the whole time. Trusting, in my heart, that she would do the thing that made it okay for her. She is a big girl after all & can take care of herself...to some extent anyways. Haha.
Anyhow, that long list. I still have it. It's just not as held close to me anymore. It's not worth it's value as it used to be.
In three years I have changed alot.
I'm not as angry anymore.
I have gone through the real world & know what is & is not important.
I no longer aspire to be the hero.
I'm not nearly as nice as I used to be.
I fear committed relationships because I never want to feel trapped again.
I don't find that the world is ending with every step I take.
& I love like I never have before.
But instead of you trying to learn this, or try & find out why she has come back to me you hurt her. You abandon three years of life with her with no grace, may I add. The part I don't understand is why. Why would you hurt someone that badly because they are happy with someone else? Why would you be so upset about their happiness? This does not make sense to me. On top of that I don't understand what I did that was so wrong to you to make you say what you do about me. To make you hurt her.
In the time that her & I were apart I never wished ill will on her, because I loved her. I never wanted her to fail, because I loved her. I literally wished on something for her to be happy, because I loved her.
I just don't understand this thought of revenge for the person you supposedly loved so much. This thought of pain should upset you, not make you feel good. When did two wrongs ever make a right?
That list, I go through it & debate while I write this weather or not to express it here, to leave it to the masses to see & then leave it for the gods/goddess for you to see, but that would make me as low as you & the one thing I promised myself after that day last year is that I would never stoop to my rivals level.
So I won't.
I have sympathy for your pain & will give you a sorry for that, but I will not forgive you for the past however I will move to the future. You are not worth my time as you have been before, you are not worth my anger, my rage. These simple things are mine, not yours, & I will not give you the pleasure of having them anymore. Life is to little to be troubled by one silly you. There are a million other things to be done that do not involve you. So after this you could consider yourself dead in my life if you want.
So here it is. A goodbye, something I never had honestly done before because I couldn't see past the muddle that had been created before me. You gave me mine three years ago but my loyalties take a lot longer to break then that, so here I am three year later, finally saying what I should have said so long ago.
Goodbye to you.
Goodbye to any loyalties I had left to you. (Like that one A-kon you two were fighting & you texted me, though I hated you, I still was willing to help best I could even though it hurt to consider it. I also had someone check on you the next day.)
Goodbye to your any drama you created in my life. (Tag teaming me just the two of you when I was weak & having the last thing I need be the two most important people in my life tell me I was doing everything wrong.)
Goodbye to your inconsideration. (Like how you preach about how people should consider how you feel when you don't do the same, or if you do then you do it anyways because you know it will cause them harm.)
Goodbye to anything else that I have missed, you are no longer welcome here.
