Achievement unlocked: New Job

After a week of nothing but torment going between the two options of potential jobs I wanted/needed, I have chosen one. 

You are looking at the new councilor for Corbell Elementary of the YMCA after school program. I. Am. Thrilled. 

For those of you who don't know for the last week or so I had been killing myself over two jobs that were looking to heir me. I did magic upon magic for help with deciding. (Runes, Tarot, etc) I talked it over with I'm not sure how many people either, anyone who would listen really because it was two excellent opportunities & I finally had to sit down to make a pro/con list for both of them next to each other. At last though! I chose the YMCA.

Why the Y instead of Starbucks you may ask? Because my gut told me to, & whenever I was interviewing at Starbucks, both times, I would begin to shake & not be able to control it. Most people were saying it was just nerves because of how badly I wanted to get the job, but that wasn't it at all. I still can't tell you want put me off about that job but my gut told me the YMCA on more the one occasion so I listened finally. 

I should be going in to feel paper work out & what not next week, there are a few training I need to do before starting at the site & then I will be with the kids changing youngsters lives. 

Thrilled. I have no other word to describe what I am feeling right now other then, Thrilled.

It's something different, something new & opens up a whole list of jobs to me that wasn't open to me before. Not only does it do that but it also gives me a set schedule from Monday - Friday to go off of then, I am off all major Christina Holidays (which I know doesn't matter to me personally but it's nice to have the time off.) weekends for me to do whatever with & benefits. In the summer I will be working full-time for sure also. 

I think out of all of it though I am most excited to work with any of the handicapped kids that will be on that site with me. I never realized how much I missed that from my childhood. Working with them or helping someone else take care of them. It changes your world. It really, really does.

This also means I will have more time for my photography! I can go to more lectures, set up more photo-shots, see more shows, enter more shows! This excites the hell out of me after the conversation that Girlfriend & I had not to long ago. The end result of the conversation was me going through to see if anyone has ever said they didn't like I photo's or that I wouldn't make it. Oddly enough the answer came out to me no. It happened when Girlfriend started going on about how the art world is going to criticizer you no matter what & all I could think was..."But it's never been that way to me before." For Ra's sake I am a internationally published photographer, I have been in (at least) 5 shows & companies have hired me on for work before, other's have bought my work, & others just simply praise my work. So why the hell have I been so scared to pick up a camera? 

Money.

Due to my life situations I had to sit down & think about what I wanted out of life. Where I wanted to get when & what would get me there, etc. When I did that I realized how much photography was how weighed it out to if I would actually make it or not. I opted out because the likely hood was low in my head. I would never be able to support myself off of it & that's what broke it all. Because of Photoshop or because of this that or the other. It really came down to money, & that my life can't be based off of passion & dreams. I still feel like the second part is true honestly, that my life can't run off passion & dreams, but I can put it more into my life while I do other things also, a hobby can turn into something. Anything can turn into something actually, because ideas are bulletproof. 

Because of all of this though I did realize that failing at it was holding me back, because now that I am on my own (paying my own way & what not) failing is not an option, I can't afford it mentally, emotionally, financially to fail. So though I am going to be getting back into photography more to get somewhere with it I still have to only keep it as a hobby until it actually shows more promise then anything.

This brings me to my next point.

In my 2012 New Years resolutions I said that I was going to think about myself in a more positive manor what better place to start by shooting out to the world that for 6 months in February I have successfully supported myself. I think this is something to be super proud of & happy with myself for. I understand that alot of people are going to read that, roll there eyes, & comment about how I should be proud of doing it once I have done it for x number of my life. You are more then welcome to do that. To me, though, after watching my mother for so many years fail, I thought I could never do it & was thrown into it more then willing decided & I came out on top. I afford all my bills with the jobs I had with a bit extra. It was pretty tight at times but somehow I have done it. There's alot of people I couldn't of done it without of course but I'm the one who got the money to pay the bills & what not. 

I am patting myself on the back for that, along with never getting a truly bad review on my photography. 

Moving on to less muggle things, I am changing elements. 

For as long as I can remember I have been a Fire element, but as of late I feel like I am moving farther & farther away from the inferno & into the swooshing of Wind. I have been a mix of both for a while now & the fire is still there for sure but it not the angry Fire it once was. It's the hottest part of the flame, the blue. Th part that stays at the bottom, calm, collected & full of passion. I do still feel that strongly, but much more as a secondary element rather then a first. Communication is something I have needed strongly in my life for sometime now & seeing how I am going through so much change that is leading me to have to be more & more competent in this area I understand why Wind is moving up in the world. I am enjoying to cool breeze as well & most of all the when it fuels my blue passionate flame.

After this week I am done with the creation row in my Rune study! That means I have done a week study from Fehu (Cattle) to Wunjo (Joy) to an extent. After I go through all of them I will be going back to work with them in spells & what not along with doing the guided meditation for each one.

Within the next month or so I will be starting to take a loar class along with a Tarot class with my kindred & I have a stake of books I still need to read/study on the Egyptian path. 

I feel like I am coming along well in 2012. Please let me keep up the good work. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

So Much In Such Little Time

Since the new year started it doesn't feel like I've head a day off at all, which most would consider bad but I like the feeling of being busy. How every I hate the feeling that I'm not getting everything I need to get done done, thankfully things are slowing down now. Part of the reason I'm finally getting to update. 

About a week about I did nothing but gather applications & apply to this place or that all along Preston rd, I did 5 Starbucks applications before that. I was immediately interviewed someplace but let things flop with them at first then Wendsday or so I got a call from the YMCA after school program offering me a position & not 2 minutes (or maybe not even that) later the person I interviewed with called me back for a second interview. 

I was so happy I cried. 

Most of you might think that's odd because you have moved jobs so much & understand that eventually someone will hire you if you keep looking. For me though, after watching my mother fail at this over & over again for a good chunk on my life & still watch her now fail at this made me so scared that I was going to end up like her. Then hearing everyone talk about the economy & how crappy it is & how you will never get hired if you have Tat's piercings & are gay. All of the odds seemed against me. From the words I was hearing. It scared me. I do not feel I'm good at interviewing anyways so to get not only a job offer but a second interview for places I actually want to work is a HUGE thing for me. I now know I am worth it & can do it unlike my mother. I'm doing something right after all.

So I got a job offer for YMCA after school program & the job offer for Starbucks isn't on the table yet but to be interviewed by one manager then get interviewed by a store manager I find this to be a big deal. I've pretty much have the job there too & over all I have no idea which one I am going to pick. I have done some magic on it but I do not want to say what advice I was given because I don't want to jinx anything just yet. Every time I go over the pros & cons of both jobs I always find something to make up for the con I find. It's going to be a super hard choice & if I could I would take them both but Starbucks wants my schedule to be open for anything which makes sense since they want me for a full time position. Really the only thing that makes the Y job tricky is the drive out there. There isn't alot of bus lines to go out there on & if I can't get a ride then it's may not be worth taking. The other thing that may be a deciding factor is that the Y is only 20 or so hours a week & I may start at 9 dollars but even at 7.25 with Starbucks I would be making more money with the extra hours. Those are the only things I can find to be deciding factors between the job offers. 

My second interview for Starbucks is Monday & I will be so excited I will post another blog to let the world know what happened. Wish me luck!

I was thinking not to long ago that I have not introduced the newest member of our family yet for everyone to see. 

Everyone welcome ZORT as I called him in the video. I know alot of you are most likely wondering what the hell kind of name is Zort. We combined Zeus & Thor because of the white lightening strip on his head there. (I'm just not enough of a harry potter fan to subject him to that.) I honestly wanted to name him Thor but my roommate has one named Thor so yeah. Zort it was! Is...yeah. Haha! I love him. He's great except when he wakes you up by biting your toes in the morning under the blankets. Though it's still cute, just annoying. Katniss & him get along famously. In fact, when he had to stay in the emergency vet place the other night after an accident happened to him she was running around mewing for him. Broke my & Grilfriend heart honestly. 

Over all I am stratified with this year. So much is going on, & going right. It really looks like I am getting my stuff together this time. New job, new studies, new actions, new me. If you don't like me then please see yourself out. I don't have time for you. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Goodbye 2011- Hello 2012!

It's funny how time flies huh? It feel like just yesterday that it was last year. Mainly because it was, haha!

Last night we all said goodbye to 2011 & hello to 2012 in our own little ways. For me? I spent it laying in bed with Girlfriend ending & starting things with a loving passionent kiss. I don't think either of us would of had it any other way. It was wonderful, & I think the best FUCK YOU to 2011 because I made it out with something much better then I ever lost in 2011...Love. That's something to be more the proud of. 

Enough of that though, for those of you who have read my blog most of the way through, or kept up with it, you all know that 2011 was a pretty hard year for me but I have a good feeling about 2012. It's going to be my year to shine! Now to tell you how, because like the rest of you I have goals I want to make a reality this year as well!

1) Think more positively of myself.

I have come along way & though I am not where I would like to be there's plenty to be proud of already. I need to make sure I start seeing that part of me along with the parts I do not like about myself. 

2) Start working out on my days off. 

I really have let myself go & I honestly miss working out. It helps me with my moods & stress along with keeping my muscles from being to tense. So on my days that I have free I am going to start taking advantage of the work out area of my girlfriends apt since I will be here so much. No point not to use what is in front of me. 

3) Start looking for community activities to do. 

I've noticed how much of a home body I have become besides work, mainly because I work two jobs right now & other then that just because of life complications. So I am going to change that by adding a few more commitments into my life. 1- Toast Masters. This is an organization to help you train in leadership, & can help me boost my self confidence immensely. As soon as I have the free time I will be looking for a group to personally join within the next weeks or so. 2- Al-anon. For those of you who don't know, my mother became severely depressed & an alcoholic after Rick left her when I was eight. Unforenatly, I took most of the abuse from that. I did not do such great things either, but I was also too young to have been really taught certain things. Al-Anon are sister groups for AA people's families. The people who have been abused. This will give me a chance to help myself, help others, & make new friends. 3- Coaching Soccer. This last one I think I am looking forward to the most. I miss soccer with all of my heart & at this age it's very hard to find a team unless you are on a college team or playing professionally. I don't see me doing either of those at this point because of how my life has played out until now, but I can start a team. I plan on going to an association within the next few weeks or so to see what all I need to do for this activity & if I can get in by next season i will be thrilled. I will be a proud coach of a girls soccer team. I my be a role model to someone that doesn't have one right now. I can make a difference not only in their life, but mine. I can't wait. 

4) Starting up an Etsy shop for my photography & other misc skills I have to pull in extra cash. 

I really have let myself fall out of the photography loop & I think this is the best way to get back in. I need something to continue to keep my confidence up besides my own belief in myself, so if I get one of these going & people start buying from me I will be right where I want to be for now. I am going to continue to take picture's of my friends cosplays, & I will be offering pictures for anyone, or anything else. Then there will be my fine art work which I am going to see if I can get hung up in a cafe around town. (Dallas, Garland, Richardson, anywhere actually) 

5) Become the Runes Master of my Kindred

Runes are the divination that I have been wanting to learn for several years now, but was looking for a teach. I have one now (Whom I have spoken of before) & I am well on my way to not only learning them, but become a Rune Master of my Kindred.

6) Get back in school to continue my ASL studies. 

I miss school. It makes me feel like I'm going somewhere if I am there working towards something. Like I am getting the first part of my journey over with so I can get to the next part. I have people all around me to help me with any & every subject now I just have to use that & work my ass of to get to the next part so that I don't feel like I'm stuck anymore.

7) Get away from Taco Delite

For those of you who don't know I have had this job since I was 16. I will have been there for 5 years in April. As soon as I can though I am finding a replacement job for this though. They have been very good to me money wise but a few months ago I took a major pay cut while other people who have not been there as long & have mommy & daddy paying for everything still are getting the hours they need when I am having trouble making rent. Needless to say, it's time to move on. Today I am already going to apply for a few jobs & a few more tomorrow. Anywhere I can find besides Taco D. It's too far out of the way now anyhow seeing how I am mostly in Plano now-a-days. 

8) Forgive & Let go.

My other entries have explained this. 

9) Learn as much as I can about my own religious path. 

We know alot about how the old pagan people celebrated their holidays but it's mostly Celtic, or Nordic traditions. It's time for me to start doing things for my Egyptian gods. I also am going to start doing things on a more daily practice so that I can start perfecting certain things that I lightly know how to do.

10) Give 2012 your best.

I know this one seems a bit silly to put down but looking back on my life It's really not. I think I have TRIED to give my best all the time every year but I haven't. I have always hidden things not because I wanted to hide them but because I was worried that I would get made fun of if I showed them off, or that people wouldn't like me, or that it wasn't good enough. I'm done with that. If you don't like what you see or what you get from me you came in through the door you can leave from. I'm not changing, I'm not going to put on a false face anymore, & I'm going to let it all hang out. Tidily so though. Haha.

SO WATCH OUT 2012 HERE I COME. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

P.S. Here's some songs for me to start of the new year with. 

Her

You know, after yesterday I have come to realize a few things that I haven't been doing that I should be. All of them revolve around Girlfriend, & one of the main things I haven't been doing is showing her off as much as I think, now, that I should. So I will start by telling you lot about her, because she is mentioned here but never for really more then an "I love her" with a reasoning before the statement or after. 

I guess I should explain how I finally came to this conclusion besides my amazing powers of observations.

Yesterday Girlfriend had surgery on her sinuses because the were super small & causing her a mass of medical problems that she didn't need/want. She asked me to come with her because it would make her feel better & what not, I agreed. As the days counted down to this event I felt a knot in my stomach due to her mother's presence there. But I pushed it down knowing that Girlfriend needed/wanted me there & I was going to do everything I could to make this day better/easier for her.

Low & behold, her mother didn't fail to cause more problems then help with things. 

We woke up, got everything together, & went off to the place we were supposed to go, got everything in order, then me & her mother waited until it was time to go see her. 

After she was in recovery the doctor came out to talk to her mother then noticed me & asked if I was a sister, cousin, & what have you. I promptly responded with "I'm her girlfriend." In which he smiled & explained everything to me directly this time instead of her mother & I could feel the heat of her mother's glare on my back. 

When we finally got to go back to see Girlfriend to take her home her mother was none too pleased that she kept looking at me & that I held her hand to let her know that she was okay & that I was there. (Which is what she wanted me to do & I obliged.) 

Her mother pretty much treated me like crap the whole way home, snapping at me & giving me dirty looks in the mirror. She was even annoyed that I helped her go to the bathroom when she needed it because you know...THAT'S WHY I WAS THERE.

Anyways, we get back to Girlfriend's parents house in Rockwall & Girlfriend wanted me to lay with her until she feel asleep. Of course I oblige because I know how I don't want to feel alone when I feel like crap & have just gone through something like that so why would I denied someone that didn't want to feel that way? We get to a bed & I go to slip in after her & her mother losses it. "No!" She exclaimed. "Come on she need to rest alone." She so lovingly coxed me off the bed. 

"She asked me to." I responded & again her mother gave me the negative.

Girlfriend finally said it was fine so I reluctantly got up & left the room to finish unloading the car & what have you with more then rage about to come out of me. I got things out of the car & took them to the room upstairs where we stay when coming here. When I brought her her favoret stuffed animal & the blanket she brought her mother gave me a look that if they could kill I would already be buried in the field in the back.

We were both quite upset by her mother yesterday for not only treating me that way, but her own daughter. She made Girlfriend feel worse then she already did. The only reason I didn't scream at her was to make Girlfriend's day go smoothly so there was as little trouble for her as possible so she could recover. 

I don't think I will ever forget how horrible I felt though. Because the only reason her mother was doing that to me was because I am Biologically a women. Because she has been taught to disapprove of the LGBT community. Because she would rather see a man, who is more likely to abuse her daughter, with her daughter...then a women...& there was Nothing. I. Could. Do. About. It. 

Any other day, I would have gone off & made valid logical points to her & made her feel bad for how she was making her daughter feel. I wanted to ask her how it made her feel doing this to her daughter when I have done nothing but good things for her. How would she feel if she went in for surgery & someone kept her husband away from her after words because a fictional book that has been re-translated for Ra knows how long has has told them that it is "wrong" for them to love each other? I wanted to her to make me understand how she couldn't be happy about her daughter finding someone who was more then willing to take care of her in her time of need? I wanted her to show me how she was more right for hating then we were for loving. 

Something tells me I never will though. Because love should over rule hate, in my min any how. 

After all of this is how I came to realize so much about her. About how much I actually care about her. About how much I would like this to be long term & that I think I am willing to trust it to be. About everything she has done for me without me noticing just how much it has done for me. 

I love her. 

I love her so much I don't know if there are words to explain it. But I know I do in my actions. 

Ultamintly I know she knows, which is all that really matters but I feel like the world needs to know that I love her, & that she loves me.

We love each other. Even when we fight, I never have to worry about her not loving me, because we fight because we love each other, & we want to work things out. Everything we do for each other is not to show one another up, or prove we are better then the other, or to show who cares more, we do it out of love & caring with no guilt attached. 

We are very different people after all. In very different worlds but yet oddly similar in our own respects & exactly the same in our love.

~Cyran J. Harrington~

I Flash People

As i woke up this morning at Grilfriend's parents house I got to watch the most beautiful thing happen...I got to watch the sun rise. All I saw at first was the deep purple's & the light shade's of yellow pushing back the harsh shades of dark that the night was trying to let linger. Breath taking is to common of a thing to say for it but will work none the less.

That is the moment though. The moment I felt it tug at my heart, the sadness that my Nikon was no where near me. That by the time I could get it the sun rise would be over & my efforts wasted. I was...disappointed at me. 

So I started things about WHY I put it down to begin with. Why I decided that I didn't have the passion to do it anymore. To carry it around my shoulder for easy access when ever something occurred...

I told everyone that it was because it's such a flaky thing to depend on becoming. A photographer in the digital age wasn't likely to get very far. Which is very true, but not the reason I stopped seeing the world through the lens. It is very wise to have a back up plan & go with that first, so I will be continuing to study ASL in this next year or school that I attend so I know that I have something to keep me on my feet in the mean time. 

The reason I put down the camera, the reason it is sitting at home right now, the reason I can't remember the last time I actually used it, is because of the people I called my friends telling me repeatedly that they were tired of me living behind the lens. That I wasn't living life. That I should do what they wanted & not what I wanted, & I was weak enough to give in. I didn't want to but as our country is set up this way, majority vote wins. It's how we have been shaped since babies.

I'm done being shaped by someone else though.

When coming to the conclusion I became angry, disappointed, upset, hurt, & over all of that I felt weak. I will change that though this year. More of me is about to change then it did last year & I'm not sure where I will be at the end of it, but it won't be here. 

This next year my camera will be glued to my hand again. To my eye more times then nit & I will watch the world from behind a lens. Capturing moments in time that I will never get back, that I may forgot with old age. But the prof from that device that will be an extension of myself will remind me that it did. Other people write to express themselves where I take a photograph, it's worth a thousand words after all. With all different meanings to different people.

Not only will it be an extension of my body but I have new dreams in mind to get me where I want to be. I will be frequenting craigslist for photography jobs, I will be putting up things on craigslist that offer my services to the LGBT community, I will be starting an Etsy, & I will be entering as many shows as I am allowed along with learning more then I ever thought I could about all the lens I can along with every type of paper there is, & to top that off I want to learn all the ways to print as well. There is lighting to be learned & what not. By the end of the year I will be an expert in the technical aspect of photography, because you will never be an expert of the vision of photography. It will always be changing as your life changes. 

After all the only stable thing in life is change. 

That's just one of the things I will be doing this year. One of the things I will be changing. 

Something else that I feel was taken from me by other's was soccer. It's something I have missed more then anything in the world. It was one thing I was just good at without trying, until the coaches in high school decided that I wasn't good enough for the varsity team because I didn't fit their perfect box. 

I should of kept playing, I should have practiced harder. I should have been on varsity. I was good enough for it. I know I was just like everyone else. But I was bi, a "goth" kid, had piercings, was in a troubling home life, & didn't drink myself stupid each week end. 

So now I am here. I don't believe there are teams for my age now unless you are in school fulltime which I can't do with how much I work but I can start coaching a girl team somewhere. to get a bit back into it. To help someone else achieve there dream like I couldn't achieve mine because of people not liking me. I can be the support for kids that may need someone like me in their life. I figured this is a better place for me anyhow. For their sake.

Those are just two things that I'm bring back into my life that should of never left. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Yuletide 2011

Over all I have nothing truly to complain about this Yuletide, other then my main job treating me...well...like they have always treated me. I will say though I did go through a hard bought of depression not too long ago though. Girlfriend was there to help me out of it. She let me get my worries out when I hit the lowest of it & helped me get back to me feet. It's a wonderful feeling knowing she will be there to hold me up no matter what.

In other news...

As some of you know I send out a morning text every morning with a little quote of that day that I retrieve from offline, & todays is something I plan on writing on a white bored somewhere where I can look at it every day this next year:

"Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names." - John F. Kennedy (1917 - 1963)

It's like someone knew I needed to find it so it showed up this morning on the site I go to for the quotes to send out. (Quote Page)

As I have said before this upcoming year will be the year of forgiveness for me. I have told the Lady of our Kindred this & she has discussed it with me a bit, at least enough to have given me something to think about, & I am well on my way to already for filling this task. 

The one individual that I felt I would have the hardest time with...has actually been the easiest. I'm practiacly done with their's already. I still plan on writing a letter & ending it with a meditation to finish the job. Then there will be sage & cleansing of all the crystal's I will have been wearing while I did this. The meditations I believe will be the hardest part of this one. Cutting that last spiritual bond because they were such a large reason of who I am today. Though it will be done when I finish. I think the reason it has been so easy for me to go about the first part of it is because of the quote, & the more I do it the more I grow confidence that I can & that's it's okay to let go of it. I dislike pain so why would I want to hold it close to me anymore? 

The other thing that got me kick started on this was one particular thing the Lady of our Kindred said to me that night...

"It also give's her the chance to let the feelings come up & her to tell them no." 

I know this wasn't something that was supposed to make me think on my behalf but it did. It has made me understand how to do this a bit better. When I feel those feeling of pain, hurt, or any sort of suffering I have to tell it "No, I will not let you have a part of my time any longer." & then move on with whatever I am doing. For me it's very different then just looking them in a box so I can wear a mask over them almost every day more then it should of been. This way I must acknowledge the feeling & actually DO something with it then hide it away, which was honestly making it worse.

The the first part of my year is coming along so nicely I think it's time I started talking about some other parts of it. Over the horn this past Hussel I oathed that I would have a new job before I moved in to the apt with my next roommates. I have until sometime in June to really get it all together. I am so sick & tired of the way they are treating me at Taco Delite I can't fucking stand it. I told them my nicknames, or what I'm called outside of there, the other day & all I got was made fun of for it. Not in the good way either. I think they meant it in good fun, but it just wasn't funny to me. I get it, I'm the odd ball out up there. I'm the only pagan, I'm the only anime nerd, I'm the only one who goes to conventions, & I'm a space cadet when I work there because I don't want to be there so badly. I feel like I always fuck up, even when it's the customers mistake, over all I'm just done with it all. I never dread going into Hottopic like I do Taco Delite, because there I know I am appreciate & welcomed. They won't make fun of me for what I believe, or what I like outside of work, or my odd talk of zombie plans. They won't give me crap for my piercings, or tattoos. It's just over all a nicer environment to work in. 

This last time I was leaving Taco Delite to go home one of the owners of the store made a comment to Girlfriend, "We help her, no worries." With a giant smile on their face, directly after I only found out I had two days of work this week, when they know I have bills & what not to pay. I could of lost it right there, but I won't because I need the reference & the job until I find something else that will work me more hours. Even if it pays me less the more hours I can get the better.

I am on the second week of my personal runes study & I must say I never new I had it in me to teach myself things. I've never felt...smart enough I suppose. I still feel like I don't get everything I need out of it compared to having someone teach me but that will come with time. Other people have been working on that skill for years where I have just begun with it. I must be proud of me now in order to move forward & be proud of me later. It's the little things that get you by after all. Overall, I am looking forward to doing the rest of the Runes one by one & spending a week on each. It's a good feeling to be doing that on my own. 

For this I have also done my first warding for a ritual! I got a great review on it too. Though the teaching method of it bothered me alot, along with the lack of trust I was given. There was no "trial & error" or "constructive critisiam" for me. There was me asking "What do I need to do?" & they handed me an open book to a warding incantation page.

"Read that." I was told with a grand smile. So I did. 

I processed to ask, "Do I go around the WHOLE apartment, or just the small area we will be doing the spell work at?" 

Another smile with a simple, "Yes."

I finally asked the Lady of the Kindred who gave me a much better answer then the Lord did. After I was done I didn't get feed back right away, which was fine because people had started to arrive. I waited until after though & had to ask how I did, in which all I got were answers like "Good, great, fine." So I suppose that means I didn't do anything wrong, which is good. But I feel like I was never given a straight answer there. On top of that, he did the warding before I had come over already to "reinforce" my ward. I hate not being trusted to get things like this done & feel like I wasn't trusted not because I couldn't do it, but because no one cared to find out if I could or not or really TAUGHT me how to do it. Everybody there knows I am not good a learning from reading a book, but am a visual, audio learner, so why would they just shove a book at me? It makes me feel like I'm not being taken seriously. On the other hand, perhaps this is a new learning way that I need to just breath & get used to. 

I suppose Ra will show me when I need to know. 

Somethings else I will be working on this year will be my confidence. In the last part of 2011 I noticed that I lacked a large amount of this when it comes to talking in public, being put on the spot, or anything else resembling this. I don't tell my opinion because I don't want to be called stupid, or have my opinion shot down, when i have opened my mouth to verbalize how my brain was connecting the dots on something I have been laughed at on multiple occasions, & over all I just don't want to make a fool of myself. I feel like I was told for a good while now that I "stand out too much" so I've stood down, & I can't stand it,but I don't know how to get back up. I feel like there's nothing that great about me, that no one cares about my opinion or what I think. Because of all of this I don't trust myself with anything, or close to nothing anyhow. 

So I will be joining toast masters once January hits so that I work on speaking in public, or being abruptly called on in groups of people. Then there is a meeting that are connected to AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) meetings for people who have been at the receiving ends of the abuse of an alcoholic. I am also going to try & work on my body. I have gain some weight that I am not too happy about with makes me feel like I'm less desirable. Then my hair color will be going back to my trademark blond. I'm done with the brown bull crap. As stupid as it sound I feel like my hair color has alot to do with all of this. People don't recognize me like they used too & don't seem to notice me when I have this color hair. I want to be me again, & brow in defiantly not me. 

I'm nervous for these changes coming up, but I know I can do it. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. I know that more then anything in the world. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~

Make Like A Phoenix

At Samhain the God of the Sun dies & light begin to becoming longer while to day grow shorter, then at Yule the God is reborn from the Goddess so that we can move from winter to spring to star things over again. It's the never ending cycle of life that is sown in every day living & in many other ways. After all, when the sun goes down it has not failed us yet to come up the next day. (I pray that it continues.)

Essentially the year at Samhain ends which is why we burn things away on that holiday. All the thing we no longer wish to take with us to the new year so then at Yule we can be reborn without them, in which we write down the things we wish to do with our new selves to advance to the next level of life. This is how it comes across to me any how without all the story telling involved. 

Since Thanksgiving I have been thinking long & hard about what I wanted to bring into my life at Yule, what new things do i need to do to advance myself to that next level of life. I contemplated writing school in there, but something just feels wrong about that just yet. Then there is my photography, but none of the magic in the world can make me pick up my camera again until i get my confidence back up with it from where I let it fall. I thought about well being, like working out & quitting smoking but, again, I don't feel magic can help me with those things. Those are a bit more personal & not so much something the gods need to help me with but I need to help myself with. The more I kept looking at the obvious the more I was displeased with my thoughts on the matter. 

Last year I had so much i wanted to change & the important things that I wrote down that day for this year...have in one way or another come true to an extent. Some to a very good T. I couldn't be more happy about that. I just wanted to live up to what I lived up to last year & if I dug a little deeper I could get to it. 

It came to me Wednesday in the early part of the day: Forgiveness. 

This is something I have realized that I not only do not know how to do, that I'm not sure I am capable of & there are a few in particulate that it's time to forgive & forget. Mainly two things, because I have accepted them & moved on but I've never truly let them go. This is what is holding me back from alot of things in life. Like living it to the fullest, letting things leave a bitter taste in my mouth isn't something I would want everyday so why am I letting something bitter stay in my mind? It's time for a good washing. 

I will say that I am a bit scared of doing this. It's something huge in anybody's life to forgive the people that you don't really feel need forgiving because of how much they have hurt you, but it's one of the best things you can do for yourself. By Ra it's time I do this for me because it's just not worth it anymore. I know through this I will have my family behind me. People that love me, care for me, & want to help me through whatever I am going through. I know there support is always there for me even if I don't ask. 

There will be alot of other things I am realizing I want to manifest tin this new next year but that is the big one. So in the near-ish future I may be posting a very blunt forgiveness letter to someone here. They do not have access to this site that I know of, but giving them the chance to see it (however slim it is) makes me feel a bit better. I am ultamitally leaving it to the gods to let this person see it or not.

Over all, I am excited for this month more then ever. I have been working two jobs since just before Thanksgiving. (Hottopic finally called me!) Thanksgiving with Girlfriend's family lovely & I got to finally meet her, almost, 6 month old niece who was cute as could be. I even got invited to spend Christmas with them! I already feel like I'm family there. They were all very sweet to me & made me fee like I fit right in. (Well, as well as anyone looking like me would fit in there. Haha) I've got three different Yule celebrations to go to, Girlfriend's & I's personal thing, Christmas with her family, & then we want to do something kinda big on new years! (I have no idea what that is yet though.) Tomorrow is also our 6 month together this time around. Usually this is the worst month of the year for me but so far things are looking up here this year. I couldn't be happier. 

I have figured out living situations for my next apt. I will have two new roommates & moving to a different area, I will also be looking at going to Brookhaven instead of Richland. Once January rolls around & Hottopic keeps me or lets me go I will be looking for another job to replace Taco Delight. In February I will be turning 21 on the 21st (Lucky lucky!), I will also be moving to stay with Girlfriend until June when I get the new Apt with two other roomates. I have three different cosplays to work on for A-kon that are simple & won't break my bank too much. Our room is pretty much settled with 3 other people which will be drama free & good times all around. I still need to work on A-fest. I have set up my personal Rune study starting next week & I should be done by May 7th, 2012. Those are just the things I am looking at to look forward to right now! There are most likely going to be plenty more that just pop right up as I go along with this wonderful, crazy, beautiful life. 

I have alot to look forward to & alot to work on which is helping fight my depression back I never knew I could smile so much this time of the year. 

~Cyran J. Harrington~